Feel like crying.

[Raelynn]

I am really sad-ish right now.  I am not out to anyone but a few (4) VERY close friends and I am starting the HRT journey in 8 days.  I am NOT going to come out to the world, that is just not me.  I will come out if asked, but the way that I see it is that it is MY personal life and people that need not know (like facebook friends or people I went to school 30 years ago) can just figure it out themselves.  The only people that matter are my mother and my kids.  I am going to talk to my mother, eventually.  But I had a chance to talk to my son this weekend (he was in from college) and I took the chicken snot route and didn't do it.  I want my kids to know before my mother.  I don't know why.  Maybe it is because I feel like it is something that they need to hear from their dad first and not from a freaked out (*if she does) grandmother over the telephone.  I second guessed myself and my son on how he would react.  Not for any reason.  There wasn't an 'uh-oh' moment or anything, just not a moment that he wasn't doing something or talking to friends online about school.  My daughter lives with her mom, so it is going to be the three of us telling her.  No, my ex doesn't know, but she she suspects.  She point blank asked me if I had ever given oral and I said yes and she said she 'knew it' (that I was at least bi).  They are both adults, but out of respect the ex needs to know since the daughter lives in her house.  She (ex) may have to explain things my daughter isn't comfortable asking me.  Anyhow, I am down that I didn't take the time to tell my son this weekend.  He won't be back from college until maybe after Christmas...  The only other time I get to talk to him is via Skype, but I don't think that is the right way to drop this kind of bomb.

Oh and to make myself clear... I am not going to even MENTION HRT.  I want to ease into the whole gay thing easy.  I don't want to go from straight Dad to trans Mom in one conversation.  Same with my mother.  No Son to Daughter conversation yet.  That will come after I have started (IF I get to start.  Next Monday, I may get the dreaded "You don't qualify due to existing health issues" statement.  <~~~ Not a pessimist, I am a realist!

Rae

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It's OK to cry, this journey isn't easy. I'm sure you'll find a time and place to break the news to everyone.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Raelynn]

I just wish it was just accepted.  There would be more happy people in this world if they could just be who they really are... and not just gender.

[Mark3]

I hope everything ends up okay for you and your family..
So sorry to see your sad...

hugs.

[StraightInLoveMTF]

Hope things go well when you come out to your Mother and Children. Don't feel bad when you cry. It's good to process the feelings. We are here for you! Glad you have some close friends that you can fall back on. Wish you the best

[Raelynn]

Thanks everyone for the positive vibes!

I know it will all come out good.  It is just the angst of telling people you have known all your life or their lives, that I am really a different person down inside and I am letting her out.

[Rachel]

You are doing a very difficult thing, being honest about your gender, which has been hidden for a very long time.

Tell your son when it feels right. I recommend envisioning the conversation and picture where you are and what you are wearing. Anticipate some surprise but envision a welcoming son. The envision some questions he will have. If you must also include some preparation if the disclosure does not go well. I would focus on just the first person.

If you have a therapist then definitely review your plans with the therapist. If not consider getting a therapist soon.

[Raelynn]

Hanazono:  Thanks hun.

Cynthia:  I have been going to therapy for 3+ years now.  I just got switched to a new therapist because of 'personnel changes' (they fired my old therapist for a really crappy reason and he was good) and my new therapist is a young female and not real sure of what to think of me.  I am kind of out of her area of practice and she knows it.  There are other therapists in the group and I am going to try to get in to see one of them after the new year.  I have HORRIBLE PTSD, GD and PAD and I have been going every week for the last 3 years and working on getting out and being more social and it has worked a LOT.  Before I started therapy, I wouldn't leave my house for anything.  I had someone do my grocery shopping, buy stuff online or just do without. You wouldn't catch me in a Walmart for anything!  If I HAD to go, I would run in, get what I needed and check out in about 5 minutes total.  By the end of the ordeal, I would have to sit in my car for 10-15 minutes with the A/C on high and blowing in my face.  My old therapist was a Godsend to me.  He walked me through my episodes (he encouraged me to write down everything... a panic diary if you will) and then we would go over them and see what the trigger was and how I could have or should change things to prevent it from happening again.  Well, it has been 2 months and this new therapist told me in the last session that she only wants to see me once a month... I better start an online blog and have her keep up so she won't be lost in the 1 hour she is going to give me.   

[MelissaAnn]

Realynn,

Please don't ever feel bad about crying after all, it is part of womanhood. Coming out to your mother and your children is going to be one of the toughest things you have to do. There really is no reason to rush yourself when the time is right and it feels right you'll do it. Everything does come in its own time. It is a major stepping stone for all of us, and I'm sure you will handle it well. I wish nothing but the best of luck to you on your journey, sweetie and may the Angels always look upon you and help guide you on your path.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann