A memory resurfaced (puberty/body parts mentioned)

[Gothic Dandy]

Recently, my therapist told me there exists this stereotype or profile of women who fit the following criteria:
- they're unusually hairy, or have hair in places men are supposed to
- they have a strong aversion to their breasts being touched
- they have an extreme mistrust or hatred of men

I don't know how much truth there is in that, or what the purpose is of fitting people into such a profile...I fit the first two, so that's why she mentioned it to me. (I have an unusual preoccupation with men and manhood, maybe I fit it backwards.)

Well, my husband and I were talking about the middle one, about the aversion to my breasts being touched, because it's been a source of grief for both of us ever since getting married several years ago.

I thought back to puberty, when my breasts were just starting to form.

I was coincidentally suffering from extreme anxiety at the time (without realizing it, since I was a kid, but the teachers noticed). In retrospect, I never knew why, because I have very few memories of my home life during that period of time, and absolutely none that would clue me in to why I was suffering so badly. The amnesia itself is unsettling.

I know that everyone starts on an emotional rollercoaster when puberty hits. But now, I'm wondering if my extreme anxiety was related to a hidden gender dysphoria.

Everyone here seems to talk about how they hated puberty, how they watched themselves form the wrong body parts or just generally felt very unwell by it, like it was all wrong. I would think to myself, if I'm really trans, how come I've never experienced that? Why didn't I hate my body? But I've been thinking of myself at 13, when my sexuality was in overdrive and I was exploring myself. I wasn't thinking about age 11, when it all started.

Everything is so hazy. I remember a time when my dad was drying me with a towel after a bath, and noticed that I had pubic hair. He was pleasantly shocked. I was like, meh, no big deal, that's been there. Duh. He hugged me and said, "My big girl!" I thought he was overreacting. It was nothing special. It was just a thing that was happening.

My breasts were forming, too. I don't remember anything but the vaguest feeling that I didn't want them to grow, or that the fact that they were growing gave me some kind of grief or discomfort. But I knew that I was a girl, and that girls turned into women, and that there was no way to stop it from happening. It was just another thing that was happening to me. Nothing exciting.

I'm trying so hard to remember more because what little I have fills me with a lot of distress. I started connecting dots again and everything makes perfect sense. I'm afraid of forcing things to connect that aren't truly related, but deep within me I have a sense that this isn't what I'm doing. I hope I'm not fooling myself. I'm trying to remain open to all possibilities.

I keep getting moments like this, where I recall something and wonder how it didn't clue me in. I call them "duh" moments.

[adrian]

I have hardly any memories about my childhood and puberty. The few memories I have don't concern "me" -- I always feel like they're someone else's memories. It's weird and bothers me sometimes.

But a while ago a memory resurfaced -- I suddenly went back to that moment when I first noticed my moobs started growing. The emotions were quite unbearable, so I think I suppress a lot of the painful stuff.

Oh, and I have those "duh" moments all the time

[Edge]

Everyone here seems to talk about how they hated puberty, how they watched themselves form the wrong body parts or just generally felt very unwell by it, like it was all wrong. I would think to myself, if I'm really trans, how come I've never experienced that? Why didn't I hate my body? But I've been thinking of myself at 13, when my sexuality was in overdrive and I was exploring myself. I wasn't thinking about age 11, when it all started.

This caused me some confusion when I was first exploring my gender as well. I didn't hate my body. I may have had brief flashes of wishing it was male that I pushed away, but mostly I felt disconnected from it. Like it was a suit I was wearing.
When I was 11 and puberty was starting for me too, I acted impatient for breasts during the day. I can't remember how I really felt. I started feeling kind of numb to things when I was 10 and back then (and for many years) I completely lost myself trying to be who I thought I was supposed to be. At night though, I thought/hoped that somehow I'd end up at least part boy.

[darkblade]

I barely remember anything at all too. I only remember that it took my mom a great deal of effort to get me to go shopping for my first bra. I remember at some point (probably still during puberty or soon after) when I used to like lying down on my back cause then I would seem flat chested. That's pretty much it. I don't have any other recollections of intense discomfort or anything of the sort regarding the changes in my body, but then I barely have any memories of childhood/puberty either. So I don't really know.

I get the whole trying so hard to remember though, I worry it's going to make me invent false memories too. Let's hope that doesn't turn out to be the case. I've been trying so hard to go through my childhood and see if I can find early indicators of any gender issues.