Hi, I'm Jessica. You all can call me Jess.
Right now, I'm in a very, very dark place. I came here for support. I apologize now, for the upcoming depressing post. Every other forum I have ever joined, I had a super upbeat introductory post that would draw in so much attention. Sorry for not letting you guys and girls and everything in between experience my super happy intro post.
At the moment, I am slightly shaking, because I am so horribly depressed. My mind feels strange. It feels like it's a burden full of unhappy thoughts. Truth is, that's exactly correct. I'll do my best to introduce myself before diving into why I decided to join this forum. So, here's my story.
I'm 18 years old. I turned 18 less than a month ago. I'm in my Senior year, finishing Catholic high school. I'm biologically male. Mentally.. Female, all the way. My birth name is Daniel. I realized something was unusual about me in fourth grade. A close girl friend would pretend to put her chapstick on me, pretending it was lipstick, which I would run away from. I never wanted to be anything like a girl.. Until further into the year, when I pretended to be scared of the chapstick. I figured, if I pretended to be scared, she would continue to taunt me with it, which I enjoyed. I found that I really wanted her to put lipstick on me. Even further into the year, she started teasing me with the idea of giving me a makeover. At this point, in my head, I was begging that it would happen. I showed her that I was afraid and didn't want it, though. Reverse psychology, I guess. By the end of the year, I couldn't hold it anymore, and I begged her to give me a makeover. She never did. I begged her to do it throughout fifth grade. No luck. Sixth through eighth grade, I just gave up trying. I held in all of my thoughts and feelings. I never expressed myself at all. In eighth grade, the realization that I was transgender dawned on me. I thought, "Okay, no big deal. I'll just become a girl in a few years. Easy!" Obviously, it is never that easy.
I should mention that I was a very, very social butterfly all the way up until fourth grade, where I gradually became shyer as the years went on. Fourth grade was also the year when I became interested in makeovers.. Coincidence..?
The summer between eighth grade and graduation was horrible. I planned suicide. I never expected to make it into high school. I was so afraid.. I didn't want to meet new people. I was afraid of being bullied. I didn't want my life to continue. One night, in August, I was texting my friends goodbye. One told her mother, who then called my house, telling my parents that I was getting ready to kill myself. Was I actually going to do it? I don't know. I doubt I would have succeeded, with the method I was planning to use. I was an idiot.. I always laughed at how stupid I was, planning to kill myself. But as these feelings of hopelessness and depression cloud over me now.. It's not funny anymore. It's an easy way out. The only issue is.. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.. Right? That's what I keep hearing.. That's what I keep telling myself.. Not many things are holding me together anymore. I am basically crawling on my last legs here, begging for support. Begging for some way to feel like I have hope. Begging for some way to have the confidence to be who I want to be, and not hold myself in. Please, there's got to be some way to stop holding my feelings in. I can't keep suppressing myself anymore. It worked throughout the years, but the side effects are coming into view now.
This week, on Monday, I talked to a girl who I never talked to before in my class at school. This whole conversation was through texting. She thought it was so cool that I was trans, and wanted to have me over for a sleepover with her and her friends, who just so happen to be the most popular and attractive girls in my class. I was so hype for this. I told her I was very interested in the sleepover. Today, I asked her if she had any news on it, and she said she doubts it will ever happen, since everyone is so busy. My happiness.. My excitement.. All down the drain. I thought that for once, I could release myself and BE myself. I was so happy this whole week.. But tonight.. I feel horrible. I got my hopes up for nothing.. It's all my fault. I'm stupid for thinking that I'd be happy for once. I'm stupid. That's what I am.. I'm stupid for holding my true self, my Jessica, in for so long. I'm stupid for not doing the obvious thing and being who I want to be! I was accepted into my first choice college and received a hefty scholarship along with. Most people would be excited, right? I'm not. I couldn't care less. I don't even care about school anymore. The past three years, I've been an honor student with no grade ever below 85 out of 100. Most grades were in the 90s. Now, I have three out of six classes in the 70s, two in the mid 80s, and one in the 90s. I just don't have the motivation to try anymore. I don't care anymore. I feel horrible in school.
I feel horrible in public. I feel horrible at home. I feel horrible lying to people on the internet, claiming that I'm an 18 year old girl when I'm really an 18 year old guy. I hate myself!
I don't really feel like writing anymore.. This post is already far too long, and it probably is a waste of time.. Sorry everyone. Maybe I'll see you all around on these forums.. Maybe not.. I don't really know. I've left out so many details.. But I just don't have the motivation to write anymore. I don't really have motivation to do anything at all. I'm not even going to proofread my post. Sorry in advance for grammatical errors or confusing statements.
