I am worried my psychological progress is reversing

[Jeniikyou]

I am really scared that all the progress I've made is heading in reverse, and I'm not sure why or what could have prompted it.  When I started taking my t-blockers I felt calmer, happier, I felt hopeful for the first time in my life.  As time went by and my dose got increased it just got better and better.  My depression was still present, but felt much fainter and I didn't have suicidal thoughts any more. 

Seeing how well the t-blockers did I couldn't even imagine what the oestrogen was going to be like.  I waiting impatiently for my appointment from which I would be prescribed my hormones (finally!).  The effects seemed lack luster in comparison though.  For the first week and a bit I felt worse, I could feel my depression lingering closer like it was just waiting to come shredding through my life again.  During my second week things seemed to get better, my mood started to veer into a more positive direction.  I was still worried, and I still had moments where I was a little more depressed than usual on my t-blockers.  I attributed that to my body getting used to the oestrogen, and just some mood swings because of the oestrogen.  From the 3rd week to now (middle of my 7th week) I have felt wonderful, I still had some down days, but mostly I felt hopeful and high on life... until this 7th week.

I have been feeling worse, a lot worse during this 7th week.  I've been feeling hopeless again, I've been feeling suicidal again.  I spent last night crying to my friend about how I didn't want to live any more.  On top of this I'm noticing other little things that seem to be reverting back to how it was before I started the t-blockers.  I have been feeling a nagging to keep myself doing things, while I used to be content just messaging with someone for hours, now I feel like I need something to do while I'm messaging.  I'll open up games or videos or just anything for me to keep myself busy with.  I felt like this all the time before taking t-blockers, and starting them helped calm me down.  My sex drive also seems to be increasing again.

I'm really terrified that something is going wrong and my testosterone levels are being increased back up despite the t-blockers.  I've heard that taking too much oestrogen can actually have that effect, but I am still on the minimum dose.  Last time I saw my doctor I told her about my mood swings, and she said that it's probably a sign that I need to be increasing my dose.  I'm just so terrified something is going wrong.

I'm really hoping that someone here has seen this and can reassure me I'm just being paranoid.  I just can't go back to how I was before I started HRT, even for a single day seems like hell to me.

P.S.  It's probably a good idea for me to mention that the past couple weeks have been a rollercoaster of hellish events that would, and have already, taken me an enormous amount of time and energy to post or talk about.   

[Jessica Merriman]

Your medical provider needs to check your blood levels. If you have been really busy without much rest it could just be your body is exhausted as well. Hormones really mess with things until levels are good and you have been on them a while. The depression COULD also be related to the emotional effects of HRT. Please see your medical provider if you do not improve soon and get some rest. 

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. Estrogen will definitely give you heightened emotions, for some it will also result in mood swings so I wouldn't think it's the testosterone at work. Sometimes we get so good at holding down emotions we don't realise the depth of stuff down there until the HRT loosens the foundations and then up it all bubbles. First time I was on HRT I became a mess and let my emotions get the better of me. Finding a way to get perspective and to talk about problems with a mind towards resolving them (rather than spiralling downwards) takes a fair bit of effort and counselling but it was the way I found to get on top of my demons rather than to let them drown me.

[Randi]

If you hear that excess estrogen can convert to testosterone (or any other androgen) you heard wrong.

Testosterone can (and does) convert to estradiol through the action of the enzyme aromatase.

There is no biochemical process by which estrogen can convert to testosterone.  It's a one-way conversion.

I'm really terrified that something is going wrong and my testosterone levels are being increased back up despite the t-blockers.  I've heard that taking too much oestrogen can actually have that effect, but I am still on the minimum dose. 

[KayXo]

Sometimes, not enough estrogen to counter the loss of T can cause depression and other negative symptoms such as insomnia and hot flushes.