What do I do? I am giving my friend anxiety to the point he pops a pill.

[Jade_404]

My friend who has been there for me throughout the last 15 years thru all my ups and downs is getting anxiety now! And I am causing it  He is also my landlord and visits quite often since he lives in another house on the same property. I also do tech work with him and get a lot of my work through his company. I had talked to him about my gender issue and he said he was ok and supported me. He even has a friend that went thru similar thing in the past.  But now if I am wearing something cute he can't handle it unless he took meds... He takes a lorazepam and he takes it because of me now I was not dressed sexy, I just had leggings and a wrap skirt thing I did with a scarf, see Pic. It was comfortable and I liked it and I liked the moccasins too. If I wear it again he will have to pop a pill

Am I too cute?
https://www.dropbox.com/s/vgs474mulyij91l/toocute.jpg?dl=0


He also said today that he thinks I might be bipolar and that I should mention that to the therapist when I go. {Have not made appointment yet  } I never thought of myself as bipolar... kinda shocked he said that. His sister is bipolar and he says I exhibit many of the same behaviors except mine are spaced out further in time. I guess I will have to look into that... Does HRT calm bipolar behavior? Maybe I am bipolar cause I can't be who I am on the inside? I don't know... I don't want bipolar meds.

My cousin is 25 male, lives with me in the same house. I actually gave up my extra room so he would have a place to stay after he had a bad breakup... Well when I first talked to him about my issue he said he understood and supported me, but If I put even just a dab of eyeliner in he freaks out. I can't wear girly stuff when he is here. He has gotten used to my nails being painted, but only black... if I use any other color he says I look like a hooker. Makes me paint over it with black if we are going someplace or if his friends are coming over. If I use ANY face makeup he says I look like a "bitch that just got humped" and he says he can't even look at me. He demands I take it off especially if his friends are coming over, which they do come over a lot. I don't even bother to use any now. I feel like its not fair. I am in my own house and I can't work on finding the real me because it effects others. I am not going out places dressed up yet. I am not hurting anyone and I am very sad now 

My Mother tells me that I am not the one with issues, they are the ones with the issues. She is so sweet  She said that if my cousin don't like it he can move. I don't have the heart to say that to him or follow thru on such a demand. She said that my other friend will get used to it and probably has a thing for me and thats his issue. She has said for years that she thinks he might be secretly gay for me... damn what do I do? She might be right! I am not interested in that kind of relationship with him at all.

I just want to be me; I just want to be free; I don't want to make people uncomfortable, but I have to explore who I am before time runs out. Life is short and time goes faster everyday.

Thanks for reading and if you have any advice I would appreciate it.

Love Jade 

[Lostkitten]

Wait, what? He takes meds because of how someone looks? So he never goes out either? He would go crazy then.

[Jess42]

First, I think your mom is right. Sounds like they are the one with the issues. Sounds like your friend has anxiety issues. Did he come out and say it is because of you? I find it really strange that someone has to take a pill because of the way someone else is dressed. Trans or not. Male clothing or female clothing. He may actually find himself attracted to you which may be causing the anxiety. Just a thought because it may be something else totally different. Sometimes confusion will often lead to anxiety so... Just sayin'. Or, since his sister is bipolar, psychological problems tend to run in families. But really, you can help your friend by being supportive but I seriously doubt the way you dress and so on is at the root of your friend's anxiety issues. It is probably something way deeper than you being trans and the way you dress.

Second though. Your cousin, really? You are giving him shelter in his time of need. In your home. And then he complains when you practice your own self expression in your home. If you are out and he knows it I would sit him down and have a really good heart to heart talk. I would still do what I wanted to do, practice my own self expression and a door always opens both ways. You can go in and out of it. Yes, having compassion is a good thing and you seem to have a lot of it inviting him in, but compassion is a two way street. So he should respect you, your generosity, your home and your self expression. Families tend to joke around crudely, or at least mine does and you would think we all hate each other, so I guess the little remarks he is making can go either way. If they are rude and he means it with a malicious intent it is so wrong on all levels. He may actually just be joking but I would find out how he means theses little snips and then act accordingly. He may really think he is joking around with you. But if he is taking swipes to be mean then his butt can go out the door as fast as you let him in. Jade, you have done your part, now it is up to him to respect you in your home.

[NathanielM]

My advice would be: Listen to your mother. She's right!
Your cousin shouldn't have any say in what you wear, your make-up... Especially not when he's living in your house.
As for your friend, I agree with Jess.  Even if he says it's because of you I would like to refer to responsibility. He as a person is responsible for his own actions and behavior, if the way you dress gives him anxiety that's not your fault. You have a right to dress the way you want, and his reactions to that are his responsibility. Maybe it's time to try and figure out for himself why that is, and perhaps work on it.
I also kind of question him sayong he thinks your bipolar. This is a medical condition, if you feel it's neccesary you could possibly talk to a therapist about it, but I wouldn't put to much weight of him saying you have the same traits as his sister spaced over a longer time.

I think these people have their own issues (everyone has issues) and they (or you) seem to be placing the blame on you. Except on the too cute part, you clearly are very cute

[LizMarie]

Your landlord and your cousin are the ones with issues. I would remind your cousin that you are paying the rent and if he doesn't like it, he can pack up and move. You are being manipulated and guilt tripped by two complete asses. Don't let them get away with it.

[Dee Marshall]

Re: bipolar. BPD is one of several mental illnesses characterized by extreme versions of normal behavior. Unless your cousin is working in the field he hasn't a leg to stand on diagnosing you.

[MelissaAnn]

Jade,

Let me start out by saying you look absolutely adorable in that outfit. You rock it girl...!

As far as your cousin goes, I think he is an ungrateful mean person. It is completely unacceptable for him to be making comments like that. He has no idea what you have gone through all your life, even if you haven't fully come out to him. He has no right to make comments like that to you, especially after you took him in and gave him shelter in my mind that's un-excusable!

As far as your friend goes. The question I would have for you is, does the way you dress directly affect the business? What I mean by that is, are you greeting customers, or going to customers businesses? If so, I can understand his anxiety towards the way you are dressing (like I said, you look great) but as we all know there are a lot of small minded people out there, and it could be affecting his business, which is leading to his anxiety. Just sayin'. Also could be what your mother said he could be attracted to you. Either way, he doesn't have the right to put that on you unless it is affecting his business.

Hugs,

Melissa Ann

[Jade_404]

Wow so many responses, thank you all for the input, it makes me feel a lot better!

Yes, I am "out" to both of them. Also out to my Mom, Stepdad, Aunts, Grandma... My brothers and Dad don't know but they are homophobic/transphobic and treated me like a girl since I was little anyway, and called me ALL the bad names you can think of. I grew thick skin over the years, and when they find out I think they won't be surprised. They still and always have introduced me as their sister , jokingly, but it always made me smile inside and outside.

My cousin does not understand and is not willing to hear about it nor do any research online. I asked him to look up gender dysphoria but he has not done it, any thoughts on a specific place I can have him read about it? If I directed him to some material he would read it. He is not really an A-hole he is a pretty good guy, I just think he can't understand what I am going thru. Thinks I am crazy.

My friend, lets call him Joe. Yes, Joe said his anxiety is directly related to me. Our customers never see me. Well actually occasionally I do have to go to meetings at Hasbro, Fisher Price, Crayola...other toy/game companies. I went in a suit one time  (Guy mode) and the big wig at Hasbro told me to NEVER do that again and to just be myself. Normally I go with hair down (guy mode), nice Trench coat, some cool shirt, jeans... they call me the Wizard. When Joe goes to meetings without me they always ask why he did not bring the Wizard. Also when he goes without me we don't get as many contract jobs, I am the key to closing deals.

I think Joe might actually be attracted to me guy and girl mode... I am non-sexual for 7 years... I am not interested in a relationship, also not going there with him. I don't want to be with anyone until I have found myself. That is not fair to a partner in my opinion. Once I am settled things may change. I also would not compromise our friendship by adding that extra layer... and I love girls.

I still don't think I have bipolar issues, I have to read more on it. Perhaps Joe has issues since he is apparently evaluating me...

Thanks MelissaAnn, I just threw that together to be comfy in the house, I did not expect anyone to stop by. (I love moccasins)

Love,
Jade

[Jess42]

Wow so many responses, thank you all for the input, it makes me feel a lot better!

Yes, I am "out" to both of them. Also out to my Mom, Stepdad, Aunts, Grandma... My brothers and Dad don't know but they are homophobic/transphobic and treated me like a girl since I was little anyway, and called me ALL the bad names you can think of. I grew thick skin over the years, and when they find out I think they won't be surprised. They still and always have introduced me as their sister , jokingly, but it always made me smile inside and outside.

My cousin does not understand and is not willing to hear about it nor do any research online. I asked him to look up gender dysphoria but he has not done it, any thoughts on a specific place I can have him read about it? If I directed him to some material he would read it. He is not really an A-hole he is a pretty good guy, I just think he can't understand what I am going thru. Thinks I am crazy.

My friend, lets call him Joe. Yes, Joe said his anxiety is directly related to me. Our customers never see me. Well actually occasionally I do have to go to meetings at Hasbro, Fisher Price, Crayola...other toy/game companies. I went in a suit one time  (Guy mode) and the big wig at Hasbro told me to NEVER do that again and to just be myself. Normally I go with hair down (guy mode), nice Trench coat, some cool shirt, jeans... they call me the Wizard. When Joe goes to meetings without me they always ask why he did not bring the Wizard. Also when he goes without me we don't get as many contract jobs, I am the key to closing deals.

I think Joe might actually be attracted to me guy and girl mode... I am non-sexual for 7 years... I am not interested in a relationship, also not going there with him. I don't want to be with anyone until I have found myself. That is not fair to a partner in my opinion. Once I am settled things may change. I also would not compromise our friendship by adding that extra layer... and I love girls.

I still don't think I have bipolar issues, I have to read more on it. Perhaps Joe has issues since he is apparently evaluating me...

Thanks MelissaAnn, I just threw that together to be comfy in the house, I did not expect anyone to stop by. (I love moccasins)

Love,
Jade

Ah ha, Jade. About "Joe". That is. It wouldn't surprize me if he is going down his own path of self discovery. Not that he is or isn't but it wouldn't surprize me. I would have asked him why I cause the anxiety in him and if he is attracted then so be it. But yeah sometimes friends are much better than lovers. Has he ever hinted at being transgender himself? It really is a hard thing to face, you know that and I know that and those of us that have accepted it know it. But those that surpress it may not know so well and that could manifest itself as depression and or anxiety.

As for your cousin though. Home is the place that we can let our guard down. Home is our little sanctuary from the world and hon, you are one helluva woman for putting up with that. I wouldn't. I still think you need to have a heart to heart talk and let it be known that he can either stay with his transgender cousin and let you be yourself and he respect that or go to Wal Mart and buy a tent. I mean joking and messing around is one thing, I had a cousin tell me jokingly that I needed to be a pole dancer. It was a joke and I love him like a brother even and give him just as hard a time. But joking is fine, being truly hurtful isn't This is gonna' sound so messed up on so many levels and will sound sort of like a parent and kid type deal but your home, your rules. It's not that you are making him adhere to a curfew or laying down any kind of crazy rules but you just need to be yourself in your own sanctuary. If he can't deal with it, there is the door. I love the people in my family and would give them anything I have but they will at least respect me when I go out of the way. Gay, bi or trans. As a matter of fact I would show him this whole thread because I would not surpress myself in my own home for no one.

Just remember and he needs to remember, in his time of need you took him in and he should be grateful and respectful of you, Jade and who your truly are.

[TSJasmine]

I dealt with this too except from my parents. You know what I did? I didn't give a f**k. I remember my dad would look away in disgust at the sight of me in girls clothes & makeup on & I would literally do it even more to piss him off. I was also 14 & never really got much attention from him in the first place so maybe I only rubbed it in his face so much because it was the only time he would pay attention to me. Not sure. Either way, I didn't care & neither should you. I say you wear just as much or even more makeup when your brothers friends are around & go make food in the kitchen while they're in the living room.

[Jade_404]

Ah ha, Jade. About "Joe". That is. It wouldn't surprize me if he is going down his own path of self discovery. Not that he is or isn't but it wouldn't surprize me. I would have asked him why I cause the anxiety in him and if he is attracted then so be it. But yeah sometimes friends are much better than lovers. Has he ever hinted at being transgender himself? It really is a hard thing to face, you know that and I know that and those of us that have accepted it know it. But those that surpress it may not know so well and that could manifest itself as depression and or anxiety.

As for your cousin though. Home is the place that we can let our guard down. Home is our little sanctuary from the world and hon, you are one helluva woman for putting up with that. I wouldn't. I still think you need to have a heart to heart talk and let it be known that he can either stay with his transgender cousin and let you be yourself and he respect that or go to Wal Mart and buy a tent. I mean joking and messing around is one thing, I had a cousin tell me jokingly that I needed to be a pole dancer. It was a joke and I love him like a brother even and give him just as hard a time. But joking is fine, being truly hurtful isn't This is gonna' sound so messed up on so many levels and will sound sort of like a parent and kid type deal but your home, your rules. It's not that you are making him adhere to a curfew or laying down any kind of crazy rules but you just need to be yourself in your own sanctuary. If he can't deal with it, there is the door. I love the people in my family and would give them anything I have but they will at least respect me when I go out of the way. Gay, bi or trans. As a matter of fact I would show him this whole thread because I would not surpress myself in my own home for no one.

Just remember and he needs to remember, in his time of need you took him in and he should be grateful and respectful of you, Jade and who your truly are.

About "Joe" He is not transgender. He has in the past when drunk hit on me ( I was in total guy mode, except my long hair), and this was before I even admitted to myself who I was. I don't think he remembers he was very drunk, I was drunk too but not as sloshed as he was. So I know he has some feelings for me. When he was sober I talked to him about it. We agreed that going down a path like that would wreck our friendship probably and also mess with the business. We agreed to not go there, and we have not. I think now him seeing me in girl mode is messing with his head. Its weird too because he is handicap and I take care of him. He won't admit to his handicap issue but his hands are all messed up from arthritis to the point he can't hold things. I make him dinner and clean his house and keep my house clean. I feel like the woman of the house around here making sure things are clean and the houses look good. Clean the offices too. Do the shopping and all the things he can't do well. He came over today and I was in girl mode, I was cleaning and made him some dinner. He did not say a thing about my attire, I think he took a chill pill before coming over. He was mellow.

[Jade_404]

Wait, what? He takes meds because of how someone looks? So he never goes out either? He would go crazy then.

Yes he is a bit of a hermit. He is also deformed  real bad arthritis messed him up. I love him but maybe not the way he wants. Am I selfish? I am not attracted to him at all. I don't like guys much. Now he sees me in girl mode and it is making him crazy I guess.

[Jess42]

About "Joe" He is not transgender. He has in the past when drunk hit on me ( I was in total guy mode, except my long hair), and this was before I even admitted to myself who I was. I don't think he remembers he was very drunk, I was drunk too but not as sloshed as he was. So I know he has some feelings for me. When he was sober I talked to him about it. We agreed that going down a path like that would wreck our friendship probably and also mess with the business. We agreed to not go there, and we have not. I think now him seeing me in girl mode is messing with his head. Its weird too because he is handicap and I take care of him. He won't admit to his handicap issue but his hands are all messed up from arthritis to the point he can't hold things. I make him dinner and clean his house and keep my house clean. I feel like the woman of the house around here making sure things are clean and the houses look good. Clean the offices too. Do the shopping and all the things he can't do well. He came over today and I was in girl mode, I was cleaning and made him some dinner. He did not say a thing about my attire, I think he took a chill pill before coming over. He was mellow.

MMM HMMM. Now we are getting the whole story.

My Gawd Jade. I don't exactly know how to put this but you are an angel or at least a saint.

But hon, sometimes things are meant to be. But that is your call because I am definately a hopless and helpless romantic. Business or not. But and a big but, that is totally on you.

Yes he is a bit of a hermit. He is also deformed  real bad arthritis messed him up. I love him but maybe not the way he wants. Am I selfish? I am not attracted to him at all. I don't like guys much. Now he sees me in girl mode and it is making him crazy I guess.

No you are not selfish. A friend, a really good friend somtimes is better than a lover. With your friend and your cousin, never ever think you are selfish. You are about the farthest thing from it. Selfless maybe but never selfish. Jade, you are a really good person and the epitome of human. Give yourself some credit, OK? You are way better than me.

[Jade_404]

MMM HMMM. Now we are getting the whole story.

My Gawd Jade. I don't exactly know how to put this but you are an angel or at least a saint.

But hon, sometimes things are meant to be. But that is your call because I am definately a hopless and helpless romantic. Business or not. But and a big but, that is totally on you.

No you are not selfish. A friend, a really good friend somtimes is better than a lover. With your friend and your cousin, never ever think you are selfish. You are about the farthest thing from it. Selfless maybe but never selfish. Jade, you are a really good person and the epitome of human. Give yourself some credit, OK? You are way better than me.

I don't know about Angel, but I do feel like I let others walk all over me. All I am ever trying to do is help these people. I honestly feel like the woman here. You know like the women in older tv shows that cook, clean, get the mail, shop, etc. I don't know many younger women that do that anymore. I mean if you count microwaving stuff from a frozen box as cooking... I actually cook real meals, and they are damn good.

More importantly I also am brilliant with electronics engineering and programming and I always get "Joes" business out of jams when they can't get anyone to get the toys or prototypes working. They bring it to me and I do my wizardry to it and get it working. I feel like Joe is not paying me fairly, without me MANY toys that you see down every toy isle that involve electronic parts or plug into your computer or smart phone/ tablet I made happen. I am not saying I don't make good money doing this work, I do but I feel like it is way below average for what I am actually having to do. Sometimes I have to learn a new language in a weekend to have a toy/prototype fixed by monday. Impossible odds, but they can't get it working, they come to me. Always when the project is over due! Just that fact alone and that I am the ONLY one they know that makes stuff just work should be worth tons more money. Sometimes I think Joe takes extra, money that I should of got... Is that bad of me to think that? Maybe he is tucking it away for me, afraid I would blow it on crazy stuff? Waiting for the right time to give me all my money? Nah, would be nice tho.

I feel walked on. My Mom always told me I let people walk all over me. I don't want to, they just take advantage of my desire to please others. I don't feel like an equal I feel like a half a person. Like a woman before they burnt their bra's and revolted and left the kitchens.

I put a long skirt on and went into the living room when both Joe and my cousin were in there. I grabbed the vacuum cleaner and said "since you guys won't vacuum but love making a mess I figured we better get the "b1tc₡h maid" to clean up this mess before it ruins the carpet." And I turned it on and vacuumed ... I finished and walked away not saying a word.  So yeah I am fighting back in my own way I guess.

I wore my "hooker " color nail polish tonight, my cousin saw it but he did not say anything, didn't roll his eyes like before. Maybe he will slowly get used to it if I introduce things slowly. Small Steps.

I want to wear jewelry, put feathers in my hair, wear tall moccasins, long flowing clothing, make my face and nails pretty and dance in the forest moonlight. I have been told I am an elf since I was a kid. The other day A Cis friend saw my hair done different that I normally wear it and she immediately said I looked like an elf. I used to hate when people said that I looked like an elf, now that I adorn myself with pretty things and do my hair different and a little makeup I can see what they are talking about. I like being an elf. But I fear elves get walked on and never get the respect or equal opportunities that others get. I freaking make toys! I am an elf! Damn! I play as female elves in World of warcraft... Just writing this has helped me come to terms, I think it is time for the elves to go on strike! Parade around in their elvish attire and demand others stop walking on them and accept them for who they are!

Wow I wrote a novel, sorry. I think it helped me to work some stuff out writing it down, just like reading all your responses. Thanks for giving me a place to talk about this and for you insightful input everyone.

Love,
Jade

[♥︎ SarahD ♥︎]

Are you adorable?  Yes you certainly are!  If I had to work with you, I'd be having panic attacks too, or at least some hot flushes hehe ♥︎*Fans herself*♥︎ ♥︎

In all seriousness, I think your mum and the others are right - he probably does have a crush on you and it's causing him to question his sexuality, especially if he still thinks of you in terms of "a guy in a dress" rather than the woman you really are.  If this is the case, some education may help him come to terms with these feeling he's having for you.  If he can be made to see and accept that you're genuinely female and any feelings he has for you don't compromise his sexuality, and if he can see and accept that homosexuality / bisexuality / pansexuality isn't "evil", then that should help to put him at ease.  Of course, none of this means that you're obliged to reciprocate the feelings, and you should make that clear to him that you don't feel the same way.  It's tricky of course, but speaking from experience, it's totally possible to still be friends even if they have feelings for you and you don't for them.  You just have to be open and honest with each other and talk about things frequently, but at the same time you need to make your own boundaries clear to them.

Some of the others mentioned it might be business-related.  I can understand that and there may be some truth there.  If he's having thoughts of "oh god, what will the customers think?" then once again I think you both need to sit down and really talk about that.  It would be nice if we lived in a world that was completely understanding and accepting of trans*, but unfortunately we don't and the general public can be a bit funny about it.  If there's genuine potential for your presentation to lose the company business then you might have to make some compromises, like agreeing (and assuring him) to only dress when customers aren't around etc, at least until you're at a point where you feel you can go full time and be practically stealth so customers won't even question it.  Again, you both need to talk about this if it's the case.

I'd ignore the bi-polar thing.  If you think there's any weight behind it (here are the symptoms: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Bipolar-disorder/Pages/Symptoms.aspx), then go see your healthcare professional, but of course - GD is known for causing depression so you're likely to have those symptoms anyway, and depression meds may well not fix it.  If you don't get the mania phase, then it's more likely you have regular old depression, which is more than likely as a result of your GD.  I'm no doctor though, so go see your healthcare professional if you feel there's any significance to the idea.

As for your cousin - well frankly (as the others have said), he can put-up or shut-up.  Remember: offence is taken, not given.  It's his choice to be offended by how you're presenting yourself, not yours.  If he doesn't like it then he knows where the damn door is.

In terms of educational resources (for both of them), try printing this out for them and getting them to read it: http://darahoffmanfox.com/gender-transition-how-you-can-help/

Hope that helps hun ♥︎

... they call me the Wizard...

Sorry, I had to! ♥︎