Out! And feeling terrible!

[Rachel]

Hi Chrissy,

What you did was very difficult and honest. You deserve to be yourself and gender is not something someone should have to hide.

She is in shock and sometimes what people say in shock or when they are hurt or angry is not how they feel later. My wife and I had a really rocky year then things seamed to get better. I heard all the same things about touching, kissing and sex. I am definitely the more needy of touching and cuddling and it took a while but we can do all those things again. My wife will not touch my breasts which is hurtful but I have hope in time that will change. 

Every situation is different and I hope your marriage can be saved.

[JenniR04]

Hello dear,

I completely understand what your going thru as I have been there with my wife on more than one occasion. I came out, or was outed by her finding my girlie things some 8 years ago. We've went several rounds sparing back and and forth over the years. I accepted myself as trans about 6 years ago thru extensive counseling sessions, it was such a "out body experience" seeing the light and knowing the direction I needed to go. Unfortunately, progress has been slow due to kids who are only 13 & 11 as of right now, I've been trying to save my marriage and be there for my kids in lieu of transitioning. I don't know if that was the right decision, but it's the decision I settled with some time ago. The dysphoria of gender identity only gets worse with time and has placed a severe wedge in our relationship, to the point of constant fighting and my kids hate their "dad"/female to be. A lot of it has to do with my wife placing the kids in the middle of everything and not having a mouth filter when their around, so they hear things that inappropriate for their age or understanding.

Anyways, my point being, like others have said as well, it's good that you came out and said it how it is (I wish I had been that strong years ago). You need to stay firm and constant in your message and not give in to her cries and demands for you to not change. What's said is said and if you do turn back, it will only get worse. Maybe your wife will come around, maybe not, but at least you may have a chance of maintaining a friendship if it does end, lord knows mine has gone beyond salvageable - to my own fault for not being ore honest with myself in the beginning and thinking I could have the best of both worlds - very rarely happens that we get our cake and get to eat it too.

I wish you all the best, keep your head held high and stay strong. It's not easy, and may even get harder before it turns a corner and starts to get better. We are all here for you.

Hugs, Jenni from Minnesota!

[ChrissyChips]

Ty Cynthia, I'm so glad things have improved for you and that you have a base for things to get even better

Jenni, hugs babe, it is so difficult isn't it? especially with kids. My two older ones are amazing (16 and 17) but we haven't told our 10yr old anything yet. What seems the hardest to get across is the fact that it isn't some kind of lifestyle choice, I mean would anyone really choose this?? It's good to try and do the best for everyone, it shows you care, that you're not the selfish creature some people seem to think we are when we transition with families.

I wish you all the best babe and please feel free to IM me any time you want or need a chat, I may not be much help...but I'm a trier, lol

[ChrissyChips]

I hope it's ok for me to keep this post updated here, it helps me and I hope that one day it might help others going through this to see a sort of blow by blow account of a less than ideal coming out.

So last night was really rough, I came as close to suicide as I have ever in my life, I think if I owned a gun I may have used it. But the thought of my children keeps me here thankfully.  What got to me, besides this horrible breakup, is the realization that now I have accepted myself I cannot continue living as I am, that way leads to a bad end. But also I look at my alternative future and just see myself living alone in a grim bedsit, when I find one, spending the rest of my life as this shaved ape in a dress, the object of ridicule and abuse. I can't see that having a good end either.

I'm intimately familiar with depression and suicidal thoughts though, so I know enough to hold tight and wait for it to pass.  My thoughts of the future are the same this morning but I'm handling it better.
Had another conversation with my wife this morning as well, at least we are both a bit calmer now and although I can't make her believe me, I did manage to explain that I really haven't been lying all these years, that I really didn't know the whole truth about myself until I accepted it myself.

There is a difference between thinking 'I wish I'd been born female' and 'I AM female'. I don't care about her opinion of me changing, I just want her to feel better.  I don't deserve her hate but I can accept it.

Anyway, off to the mother in laws tomorrow, with no internet!!!!!!!, so no update for a few days. Hugs to everyone and thank you so much for all your support so far

[Rachel]

Hugs Chrissy,

For me a therapist made the difference helping me to process what I was feeling. My defenses were overwhelmed and I was in severe mental anguish and pain. Therapy helps me to be healthy.

Your transition and you can express any way you want. There is no script or time table. I push the limits slowly so I do not go over a cliff. Every victory is cherished and in time the change is noticeable but I feel good about it.

One day at a time, be yourself at your speed and get help to process your feelings.

[JoanneB]

For decades I tried pretending I was just a CD. For decades I had put behind me my two failed/aborted experiments with transition. For decades my soul slowly rotted away. For decades I had no hopes, wishes, or dreams, bar one given up on long long ago.

For day, weeks, months I agonized over dropping the T-Bomb on my wife. For days, weeks, months I often cried myself to sleep (and got flak from a soggy Teddie Bear the next morning).

For many of the past six years and even some today, I have to remind myself; "I Know What Does Not Work". For decades I tried things one way. It not only did not work, it slowly changed me into a lifeless, soulless being. A machine just going through the motions of surviving simply because "That is what you are supposed to do"

Transition simply means a change. You know you need to change some aspects of how you were running your life, the biggest being denying this one giant aspect of what makes you, you. Perhaps, like me, also change a few aspects of what became you as a result of that denial. There are many things that make me, me. Many things that excite me, that I find joy in. Even actually learning what feeling passionate is. I cannot deny those aspects either. Never could and doubt I ever can. I am learning how to be one whole healthy and happy package and not a highly compartmentalized one out of necessity.

To maintain... hell even find a balance requires compromises. Constantly trying to recenter the scale as the other side of the fulcrum is also constantly shifting. It is just how life is, always changing. What works today may not tomorrow. I found ways to balance myself, to survive living on this knife edge keeping what is important in my life. As I am growing as a person my wife is no longer seeing me through glasses colored by the person I was before. Sure, she is not living the life she has dreamed of. She is also not living the nightmare she was. (Amazing what all comes out with coming out ) Yet, who really does live a life they dreamed about?