Messed up

[Lana_]

First of all, I'm a young student (20 years old) who lives in north Europe.

Sry about my English, I just have so many thoughts in my head which makes it really hard to translate in another language....So if you don't understand something, I will correct it...

This is one of the first time that I have about my problem on a forum.

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I don't know what to do

Since I was young (from kindergarten age) I have wanted to be a girl. When I got older that feeling grow stronger it specially the last 9 months.
The last 9 months I have been intensively seeking many information about the transition from MTF.
And I don't know if its real or if its some kind of mess t up stuff in my head - When I intensively think about becoming a girl I get ebullient and after I masturbate, the feeling goes a way for like 5min(In that time im thinking "Omg, what was I just thinking") and then the feeling comes back again....

Also I have a relationships whit my girlfriend for a few years and she doesn't know nothing about me wanting to become a girl....
And I don't know what to do, because I want to say it to her, but I already know what she will answer me and it wont be nothing positive...

And now I'm am on the edge and thinking what to do ;////////

No one of my friend or family don't know about this

[kaye]

Also I have a relationships whit my girlfriend for a few years and she doesn't know nothing about me wanting to become a girl....
And I don't know what to do, because I want to say it to her, but I already know what she will answer me and it wont be nothing positive...

And now I'm am on the edge and thinking what to do ;////////

You need therapy first. Secondly, once you've established that you need to transition then the girlfriend either supports you or you get rid of her. It's as simple as that. This is not something you can compromise on. You can give her some time to come around if she has difficultly at first, but the longer that goes on the more difficult it is going to be for you. It's not worth it in the long run to be held back by ignorance.

[Railgun]

Ah... you could be me 4 years ago. 

The information seeking phase lasted 2 years for me and in the end i still wasn't sure. I knew basically "everything" about every step of transition, possible outcomes and all possible symptoms of gender dysphoria. But i still wasn't sure until i started to read the life stories of other transsexuals. Suddenly i saw all the similarities and long suppressed childhood memories started to come to surface. All the confusion went away and i couldn't imagine how i could've been so blind the entire time.

I also had the problem that after masturbation the "need" to transition vanished for a while and was usually replaced by shame. And what i've read so far others here had that problem too.
What i did to become more sure if i have just a "weird fetish" (no offense here) or am really transsexual was trying to get used to all the thoughts. I stopped pushing them back into a corner of my mind after masturbation. Instead i accepted them and let them stay. With the time the "instant arousal" went away and i could focus more on the real problem: "Do i really want to transition? Why? Why not? Are this real reasons or just excuses, like body size and voice pitch?"

Also these videos might help you:



In regards to your girlfriend: You have to do what is best for you in the long run, even if it hurts at the beginning. Remember that gender dysphoria will not simply go away and leave you and your girlfriend alone. Instead it can become a lot worse over the years. Better to confront it now and find a solution that works for you and you can live with.

[V M]

Hi Lana 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Lana_]

Ah... you could be me 4 years ago. 

The information seeking phase lasted 2 years for me and in the end i still wasn't sure. I knew basically "everything" about every step of transition, possible outcomes and all possible symptoms of gender dysphoria. But i still wasn't sure until i started to read the life stories of other transsexuals. Suddenly i saw all the similarities and long suppressed childhood memories started to come to surface. All the confusion went away and i couldn't imagine how i could've been so blind the entire time.

I also had the problem that after masturbation the "need" to transition vanished for a while and was usually replaced by shame. And what i've read so far others here had that problem too.
What i did to become more sure if i have just a "weird fetish" (no offense here) or am really transsexual was trying to get used to all the thoughts. I stopped pushing them back into a corner of my mind after masturbation. Instead i accepted them and let them stay. With the time the "instant arousal" went away and i could focus more on the real problem: "Do i really want to transition? Why? Why not? Are this real reasons or just excuses, like body size and voice pitch?"

Also these videos might help you:



In regards to your girlfriend: You have to do what is best for you in the long run, even if it hurts at the beginning. Remember that gender dysphoria will not simply go away and leave you and your girlfriend alone. Instead it can become a lot worse over the years. Better to confront it now and find a solution that works for you and you can live with.

Thank you about the information, really helped

Need to take some action

[JulieBlair]

Lana,
You've taken the hardest step to self discovery.  You are talking about who you are, and what you feel.  Dysphoria is all about emotion, intellect doesn't enter into the mix just yet.  The suggestion to seek the counsel of a gender therapist is a good one.  Finding one and getting into the queue for therapy depends on where you live.  The rules vary from country to country.  So remember to breathe, know that what you feel and who you are are right and valuable and get ready to take the next step in exploration.  My experience is that you are feeling equal parts fear, exhilaration, and worry.  If so, that is pretty normal. 

You will have to talk to your girlfriend sooner or later, but hopefully after you've gotten some professional guidance.  The reality is that for her to be attracted to you, she appreciates the feminine piece of you as a positive thing. There are many paths to an authentic life of which transition is only one.  Don't be afraid to explore ways of being across the spectrum of gender identity.  You have the advantage of youth, and if you find the life you were meant to live now, it will be a blessing for you and all who love you.

Peace,

Julie

[JoanneB]

I will second Kaye. You do need to figure out what might or can work for you. Some of us NEED to transition (full time) in order to continue living. Not all of us need to. Plus things change over time. The degree of gender dysphoria tends to also, sometimes lessen, other times worsen.

I think everyone will agree that you cannot live your life exclusively for others, or how others, want you to. It cannot be done without hurting yourself. Only you can decide what is truly important to you to do. You cannot control another persons feelings any more than you can control the future.