How To Come Out To Friends

[SpaceMutie]

Sooo... yeah. I've been having an awkward conundrum recently involving coming out to my friends about my FTM realization this past year. Considering that, compared to my previous appearance before coming out, there's been major changes. My hair's short, I wear the male uniform, I work out and play pretty rigorous sports now. It's a large difference from last year, and I think some of them might have sort of a clue. Not to mention I'm just exhausted of having to hide the fact that feminine pronouns nearly give me hives at this point in time, especially from the people who care about me.

The problem is my school setting. It's Episcopalian religion-wise, so it's not the strictest religious school, but there are multiple different kinds of religious wing-nuts, of which one of my dearest friends relates with due to the fact that her mother is the main preacher. I feel like I'm rambling, apologies. All I want to know is how I can tell my group of friends without having to go through a very angry discussion with a preacher and have to deal with backlash.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[adrian]

That's a difficult situation. I think having one without the other may not be possible.

If you decide to come out -- try to make allies. Speak about your worries with this particular friend. Do you think they will be accepting?

My situation is somewhat different, but I have come out only to a few friends and not to others. I have particularly not come out to ones that I think will spread the "news". The ones who know don't share the info. I have not asked them to switch pronouns, but they're making an effort not to use overly gendered language. This is my compromise for the time being.

[darkblade]

I can't say I've "come out" to myself even, but I'm getting there. However, I've told my closer, more liberal friends that I know would be supportive, of what I'm thinking about. All are supportive at this point. I plan on telling others that I'm not so close to as soon as I know I have things figured out, so then it would probably be more of a coming out conversation than the "I don't know who I am" conversation I've been having lately.

What I would say is come out to people you know would be accepting, and trust won't tell others, and then depending on how things go you can gauge how the others you're more apprehensive about coming out to would react. Since you already act very differently than you used to and they don't seem to have a problem with that, you're probably safe coming out to them I think.

[pianoforte]

You could always do what I did, and make a whole new group of friends by joining a LGBTQ club. If there is one available in your school/region, anyway.

It was easier for me to come out to a group of friends that is part of that community. But it might not be the same for you.

You can also come out to just one or two friends that you really trust first. Practice makes it easier.

As for pronouns - when you are out to some people and not others, it can get tricky. I have one friend who deals with this by using his preferred pronouns at school, but not on Facebook or other places online where he could be outed.

Overall, I find it way easier to come out to friends than family, at least, so that was nice.

[PucksWaywardSon]

getting a couple of allies on side to avoid gendered language is a very helpful step, as is talking to a trusted friend first. Only one person knew for almost a year before I started telling other people - the last 2-3 months I've been gathering speed on that and eventually am coming out to my classes this week.

Basically I've found that as the need to tell people starts to outweigh the fear of how they'll take it, it just... comes out, as it were Take your time, and listen to yourself. I've had a lot of people encouraging me to just jump in and do it, but you're always going to feel better doing things in your own time, where you can feel in control.