Two weeks ago, I re-started my gender counseling journey after taking a break for some 5 years. This is a new therapist from the one I had seen previously, as my prior pasted away a few years back. My new therapist, only seen her twice now, is absolutely fabulous and has a great desire to work with GLBT clients. I am her 1st official transgender client, although she's had several teenage'ish to early twenties gay and lesbian clients and she does have a good friend who is going through transition currently.
Our 1st visit last week was merely your typical in-take session and get to know one another. It was a good session and I was very excited to see her again at our next session. Last night (Monday, 11/17), I had my second therapy appointment in as many weeks and it was really, really good. As a new therapist to me being her 1st Transgender client, she did he homework and got herself upto speed on the DSM and critical information. Between session we exchanged an email each, and she asked me to put together my thoughts on goals for our therapy. I did so and it consisted of stuff like; 1) re-confirming/2nd opinion my previous G.I.D. diagnosis; 2) help thru my impending divorce & separation; 3) integration into living full-time as my preferred female gender; 4) assist in further coming out to my extended family/friends/etc.; 5) HRT; and 6) Evaluation on how far I need to transition from simply taking low-dose HRT to full SRS.
My therapist was thoroughly pleased with the goals listing (typed out by the way). I worded things in more detail than I just provided above, which caught her eye as being very descriptive and point on in my persistent gender dsyphoria. Thru our conversation and session, we talked about many things (far more than can be described here and of which I'm sure many of you have previously discussed in your own therapy sessions). through one of our conversation, she touch my heart so that it brought tears to my eyes, she made me emotional and she noticed it. It was a very special exchange. We were talking about looking in the mirror and seeing that person you've envisioned yourself to be for so long staring back you and even though your current shell of a body doesn't match that image, you see it in yourself. Just how special that image makes one feel and the hope it gives you each and everyday to achieve your own proper alignment with body, mind and spirit. I never got this type of emotional response from myself in the many years of previous counseling I had gone thru (started in 2003 and went through about 2009). There were really only two validation points I had from these previous years of counseling with another therapist: 1) was that I was diagnosis with G.I.D. and a candidate for HRT although I never pursued the referral letter and; 2) In 2008 while driving home from an appointment, I accepted myself as a MtF transgendered woman. Outside of these two points, of which I think I would have eventually came to these realizations myself, our counseling & therapy sessions really didn't do much and had stalled out by the time I finally stopped going.
Choosing to go back to therapy now finds me in a much different state of mind and direction with which I need to head. Before, I wasn't sure I could proceed due to unsupportive & unaccepting spouse and some young daughters in the picture. I wanted to try and save my marriage and be with my kids, so I tried putting my gender dsyphoria on-hold until at least my kids were on their way to college or beyond. Needless to say, we all know all to well how that typically works out, and I'm no different ...... it's back, it's been back almost since the day I tried putting it away, but it's grown stronger and stronger over time. I hear the phrase all to often from my spouse that I am being selfish and putting my own needs ahead of the family, which I've also seen through many other forum entries. I don't know what to say other than, yes it is selfish but I have no choice. My marriage is going to end and I am now okay with that as well as separating from my kids - I will fight for joint custody as much as the courts allow, but in the county I live in Minnesota, it's very anti-dad/pro-mom and probably even worse being a trans. But I am okay with whatever comes from that.
I am at a point in my life where I need to move from a standstill to moving forward to become my true-self, as the woman I know I am to be. I know there will hardship along the way and that it won't always be easy, but then again some of the best things in life aren't necessarily easy to obtain.
Thank you for taking the time to read and listen to some of my story. There is much more that hasn't been included simply because of time and space. I will fill in more as I can and if there is anything you want to know, just please ask.
Hugs to all, Jenni
