I am a survivor of a seemingly hopeless condition of mind, body and spirit. I have been on the edge of death more than once, and while it is less likely to be my fate than it once was, I may be again one day. A very wonderful transgender and gender fluid man is in the hospital connected to machines monitoring brain activity so that physicians might determine what medications can be provided to help with some brain function issues. I spent the night in a chair next to them last night and will do so again tonight. Doing so is a choice, and I spent much of the night thinking about choices made and choices yet to be envisioned.
When I first found Susan's , I came to the forums frightened, confused, and convinced that I was either insane or a fake and a freak. Up to that time I had felt lonely, angry, different and afraid every day of my life. I wanted to die, and death was a comforter who would steal nothing but unwanted breath. Here I found hope and acceptance. When I say that we through our stories save lives, I am one of those who discovered life in the words and empathetic responses contained in the stories of the men and women here. There is power on these pages. There is hope in these posts. There is wisdom in the eyes of those who come and stay. I am grateful to you for life and breath. Over the last two years I have been reading and year or so I have been writing I have chosen to become involved in many lives both on and off the forums. My family is here, my friends are here.
Twelve years ago I left a marriage, moved from Alaska to Maryland and began to try to rebuild my life. I was still denying the obvious and very much alone. I did however, have woodlands very near my apartment – and would run or walk the trails every day after I left work. One evening I wrote the following:
Yesterday I saw fireflies! To those more traveled this may seem a bit passé, but I do not remember ever seeing them before. I have been a bit sluggish of late, and last evening it was either take a nap or get some exercise. For me, taking a nap after 6:30 in the evening usually ends up lasting until two or three in the morning at which time I wake up wondering why on earth I went to bed knowing that I would be awake at two or three and wondering why on earth I went to bed ...
With unusual perspicacity I chose exercise. It is my great good fortune to live only a couple of blocks from Rock Creek Park. Here smack dab on the boarder of Maryland and DC is an oasis of hiking paths, bicycle trails, wildlife and quiet. Within fifteen minutes or so, I can be out of the sound of traffic, observing a heron, or being regarded watchfully by a white tailed deer. This was the case yesterday evening. I was in the woods as evening deepened into dusk when a deer startled nearby. In the place where the animal bolted from, I saw sparks. Fireflies! Now I was looking for them, and was rewarded by dancing lights, near the ground, and in the hollows. Tinkerbelle with six legs - Enchanting.
It seems to me that the choice to seek and relish the ephemeral beauty of a magical beetle is not that far removed from the revelation of authenticity and the transformation from despair to freedom. A firefly brings beauty to life without judgment and without rancor. There is no correct way to be, it is enough to merely exist for a brief time and then pass on.
For this recovering alcoholic and transgender person, the people here were my magic. You allowed me to explore who I am and how I might be without challenge. I discovered that I was more complex than I had given myself permission to be or even consider; more in love with people than I could imagine, to the point that I now spend most of my free time talking or corresponding with friends and family who have adopted me spiritually. I, for the first time in my life, openly allowed myself to be vulnerable and in so doing found acceptance. At its best Susan's is transformative. At your best you are physicians of the soul.
All this is predicated on making choices. To be accepting rather than confrontational. To recognize the limits of knowledge and to respect the absolute necessity of allowing everyone to seek their own path and to find their own way. When choice is denied., when authenticity is challenged, it doesn't work and the magic is lost. I have been guilty of impatience and melancholy of late, to the point where cherished friends and fellow travelers have become concerned. I have felt judgmental and self righteous. I have not been the woman, friend, student, or teacher that I want and need to be. I cannot chose between being loving and being correct. When it becomes more important that I am right, then I have lost my way and am in danger of becoming righteous. Righteousness is death to an authentic life. I must have an authentic life or I will perish!
A couple of days ago I posted an apology for behavior stemming from a descent into righteous attitudes. I am grateful for the acceptance and love I felt in the responses, but for now, my path needs to diverge, and I will walk a road where I feel I can continue to grow and serve. I have often described Susan's as a weigh station, or a whistle stop on the path to personal growth. Well, my train is preparing to pull away from the station, (Can you hear the whistle?) and I must be on it. I hope to meet you all one day, and look forward joyfully to that reunion. I may drop by again, and hope I have new stories and new energy to share. I love you all.
I Pray That Fair Winds and Calm Seas Follow You Forever,
Julie
