Hi! I'm trying to figure myself out, I don't know if this is the right way to do it. My gut tells me that getting feedback from queer/trans folk is good step so here goes.
I've been out as non-binary for a few months now (use they/them), I'm male bodied and present male (but as feminine as I feel like I can get away with which isn't much), I don't "feel" male, never got it, I understand it intellectually, but have no desire to associate with or interact with it. I am still full of self doubt, questions, and the eternal cycle of introspection and self-analysis.
So here's my story, I guess I'm looking for thoughts, reactions, critical responses (and maybe selfish validation).
When I was very young, before elementary school, I always played with the girls, no interest in boys. I was forced to be around boys because my teachers thought I was weird for only choosing to be with the girls. I was at the same time scared of being perceived as a girl, but not for the usual reasons. I was born with disabilities which are very obvious and visible, they impact my life to this day. As a result when I was a kid I got the message that being seen as different brings about pain and suffering, and being seen as a girl, or as gay, would get the same treatment that I was already very aware of. Now I'm seeing this from the lens of today, maybe I'm connecting dots that don't really mean anything?
In elementary school I was anti-social (disability stuff, bullied constantly for it), and there was a period, maybe a year or more it's hard to remember that far back now, where I really wished I was born a girl, I can remember thinking "this would be so much easier if I was born a girl". I know kids sometimes have phases like this, and it cuold have been an escapist thing rather than a gender identity thing. I was also very not into sports, competition, I was the one trying to get my (male) friends to play co-op games, and among my family I only associated with my female cousins, they seemed easier to relate to.
As I got older and sexuality became a concept I was aware of I also learned that "gay" was a slur and was to be avoided at all cost. The resulting homophobia was a hard thing to shake and lasted into my early 20s when I realized that I am in fact bisexual, and that's totally ok.
In highschool I gravitated again to female friends, my parents told me they were worried I would become a girl if I didn't start having more male friends. By this point I knew I felt awkward with "the guys", I could pretend the bit, say the expected guy lines, make the requisite grunts to blend in (it really isn't hard to blend into the guy world, you don't really need to understand it). By this point I was also aware of what body I have, and how I'm previewed, so I figured being "one of" the girls was not an option either, so I better chin-up and do this guy thing, all of my attempts at this have been very halfhearted and lackluster.
In college I discovered that I'm bi, cool. I ended up married to a cis-woman (amazing human being who despite our divorce continues to be a shining light in my life). I didn't think about gender, instead I thought about work, career, the white-picket-fence stuff. I was content. If this is what it's really all about, is that so bad (ugh, back of my head is screaming yes it is so bad)?
Then I got involved with a new friend group with a lot of queer people of all colors, and I saw what some of the other options were and started to wonder what a feminine experience would be like. It started as a deeply concealed curiosity that over a period of a year or so morphed into a burning curiosity. I hadn't known any trans people in my life until this time, and now I was having mixed feelings. I didn't want to be a "poser", I felt like if I tried to explore any of those things it would belittle the experiences of real trans people with my presence. I still feel this way any time I tell people I prefer they/them pronouns, even though most of my friends are queer and completely accepting.
Undeterred I decided to put the weird vague feelings to a test, when no one else was home I locked every door and window in the house, made sure no one could see, and took some of my (female) roommates clothes and tried them on. I didn't know what to expect, and I certainly didn't expect the deeply profound sense of correctness that I felt seeing myself in loose black slacks and a tight fitting top with a bra on underneath. I think for the first time in my life I *liked* the clothes I was wearing. I did this a second time to confirm, and felt the same reaction.
Since then I've done little things, grew out my hair, recently started doing my eyebrows, shaved all my body hair below my neck, and all of if felt strange and awkward at first, kindof alien, but then over time it all grew on me and felt much more correct than before. I've been looking at buying some actual girls clothes for the first time, I have so much fear and shame wrapped up around it that I can't quite bring myself to do it, even though I know my bra size and picked one out online.
I don't think I want to wear dresses, of be a housewife, or any of those stereotypical woman things, but I do want to be cute, I want to be feminine. I don't want SRS, though something to put a bra around would be really great. I have a love hate relationship with facial hair, it softens my jaw line and makes me look less intense, but it's so manly and I don't like that about it. When I feel calm and relaxed my self image is a woman, when I'm at the gym in my own zone, that's what I see in my minds eye on the treadmill. Once I had a dream I casually just was a woman like no big deal, that was nice.
Flip side, I've always thought "there's no way I'd transition to anything", I've thought that because I don't have crippling depression from gender dysphoria that I must not be trans, that I'm a cis-male with some weird fantasy encroaching on someplace I don't belong. Yet other times when I think about it in isolation from outside forces, it might be nice.
So I don't know who I am, where I fit. I'm looking for perspective here. Who do I sound like I am?
If you read that whole thing, props, I ramble; and thanks, it means a lot to me.