Coming out at work...anxiety!!

[jamesdoran]

Okay, guys, so I need some advice.

The only place where I'm still in the closet (still getting called female name, pronouns...yuck) is at work. It's seriously getting to me. I feel like it's the last thing stopping me from being able to be 100% myself...I can't change my name on any social media yet for fear of someone at work finding out, and obviously I can't get a legal name change before informing my work that it's coming.

My workplace doesn't have anything in the discrimination clause about gender identity, but my boss is a really great guy and has gone to bat for me before. I technically am employed by a staffing agency, but I don't expect any problems there.

The thing is, my anxiety is sky high about coming out to my boss, even though I know he's probably going to be cool about it. I've been obsessing over exactly what I need to say. A couple of my friends told me that it might be easiest for me to just tell him that I'll be changing my name soon and ask to start going by that name. The only issue I see with that is...how is it going to be explained to my other supervisors and my coworkers? How are people going to know to call me James? Would there be some sort of email sent out or would I be responsible for telling everyone one by one? The whole thing is just a big panic-inducing matter for me. I know that there isn't a "perfect" way to come out, and that there will undoubtedly be people who have problems with me afterwards, but I just want things to be as painless as possible.

Does anyone have any advice on what approach I should take to coming out? Or what exactly I should say to my boss?

[adrian]

Hi James,

I think to battle the anxiety a little I would try to separate the coming out to my boss issue from the how will the co-workers be informed issue. First things first, and coming out to your boss is the first step to take.

If some of your anxiety is about not knowing for sure how he will react, here's something a friend of mine did: she talked to the equal opportunities/anti-discrimination person (any neutral person would work) first. This person then talked to her boss to test the waters (her name wasn't revealed at this point). The boss was very accepting and they are now discussing her transition at work.

If you want to or have to talk to your boss directly, maybe you could start by telling him something like he may have noticed some changes in you lately (from the t, I'm thinking), and that you're in the process of transitioning to the male gender and will have your name changed soon. You would like to discuss with him how to handle this in the workplace and how to communicate this to your co-workers. Ask him to support you in this process.

Informing others would be the next step, but you should discuss it with your boss and HR. An email from someone higher up in the hierarchy could show that you have their full support. A meeting with closer colleagues where you explain to them in person (again, ideally with the support from your boss) is also something to consider.

[FTMax]

You and I are totally in the same boat. My boss is a huge LGBTQ advocate and absolutely loves the community. I am positive that he will be nothing but understanding and helpful when I finally come out. But I just can't do it! I have had times where we've been working together just the two of us, I've had one-on-one meetings - there just doesn't seem to be a setting where I can get over the anxiety and just come out with it.

My company doesn't have an HR person or department. It's technically me :/ So no help there. I asked about this in another thread and the advice I got was to come up with a transition plan starting from where you are now and moving forward, specifically related to the workplace. Discuss how you want to be addressed, what your expectations are, what they can expect from you, etc. Get it all put together and ask for a meeting.

I'm starting T on 12/5 an am hoping to have top surgery in the spring, so my goal is to have everyone on the same page by new years.

[zero.cool.crash.override]

I'm not yet out at work, but I've been researching the correct process for coming out at my job.  I've been reading various documents on my company's intranet specifically related to transgender workplace transition.  There's a fair chance that none of my local managers are familiar with anything trans, but I work for a very large international company that does have policies in place.

From what I've gathered, the important thing is not to blindside your direct supervisor by showing up for work suddenly one day dressed as your true gender and demand to be addressed appropriately from that day forward.  Give them advanced notice before you legally change your name, or tell your co-workers, or grow a beard, or whatever.  You can inform your manager first, or HR, or your staffing agency, or request a meeting with both/all of them together.  HR will need to know eventually for changing your name and gender marker on all their records.  This ought to be treated as confidential medical information, and your manager ought not spread the word around the company without your permission. 

Then what I was reading suggested that the entire workgroup be informed of the employee's transition in a meeting.  The trans employee may or may not be present for the meeting.  During this meeting, someone (not necessarily you) can explain what transgender is, dispel misconceptions, and lay down expectations of how you will be treated.  This would occur on the "day of transition" or just prior to it.  By this point, the company is responsible to ensure that the trans employee has a new id badge, records are updated, correct uniforms have been issued, etc.