If this is in the wrong place I am sorry - please can you move it to the right place? Thank you. I am also sorry if any of it is inappropriate or offensive in any way. Hello, I am new here. I have had a look around and now I feel I want to post a bit about myself.
I am 19 years old and from the U.K.
Outside I am female but inside I am male. I haven't told anyone yet and it is causing me a lot of pain keeping it inside.
All through my mother's pregnancy with me, my parents believed I was a boy. They just felt I was going to be a boy. They had a name picked out – Daniel - and had kept most of my older brother's things for me.
My mum had gone into labour but I didn't move (apparently we are all female to begin with. I think I wasn't ready yet, I hadn't developed into a full male). I was eventually born (by C-Section) – female. They didn't know what to name me and needed to buy a lot of girl's things.
My 1st memory is about age 3 playing with my brothers Action Men (a toy doll for boys like G.I Joe). I had Barbie dolls and things like that but I always chose my brothers things over my own. I was jealous of the things they had. I don't have any sisters, just brothers.
Growing up I was close to my dad. My mum and me get on but we don't have that mother-daughter bond that most girls seem to have with their mums. I can't name a time we did anything together such as shopping or doing each others hair etc.
I would go anywhere and everywhere with my dad when I was young. I loved watching him do things to the car or making things etc. We would go in the car together for long rides to nowhere, washing the car together, go collecting things like shells or bullets etc, go on our bikes together, go to the river to look for frogs and things like that etc. I would go anywhere with him. When he was working at home I would just sit watching him asking questions, if I could help etc.
My best friend growing up was a boy. I loved going to his house (he lived next door until age 10), because we would play boyish games. He had all the cool toys - Spiderman, Robocop, batman, dinosaurs (my favourite thing when I was young), cars, trains, football, Action Men, all the boyish toys that I wanted. I couldn't understand why my parents bought me girlie things I didn't want instead of buying me the toys he had. We are still good friends now although we see each other much less.
Growing up I had hardly any girl friends and those weren't close and we didn't really have much in common or anything. My friends were mostly boys. I felt more comfy with boys. They didn't mind me being with them either. Until around 10 when boys start to think girls are gross, I wasn't welcome to hang around with most of the boys anymore. Around that age you begin to get put with the girls more than the boys in lessons etc aswell. I tried to fit in with the girls but they would laugh at me, pick on me, leave me out of things they did etc and I couldn't understand why. I didn't realise I had to be a certain way or that I was 'weird', I was just being me. I had nothing against them so why should they against me?
I would go to my cousin's house (2 boys), nearly every day even when we had school. We would collect bugs and things like that, go to the forest etc and they played with boys so I was friends with them too. I loved being with them.
The things girls played didn't interest me and I couldn't understand it, I didn't see the point. I preferred to play Power Rangers etc with boys
I didn't see the point in making daisy chains or playing with Barbie dolls and I found it boring - not fun.
When I could dress myself and decide what I wanted to wear I didn't wear anything Girlie. It didn't interest me and I found it uncomfy and embarrassing. I decided to have my brother's old clothes. Then my mum did begin to buy me my own jeans etc as my brother's clothes were getting worn out but they were usually the girls clothes but they were just plain, no fancy flowers etc. NO pink! My mum used to dress me up in frilly pink dresses with flowers and bows on and everything until I could talk etc and I told her I wouldn't wear them!
I remember being able to be myself at school, playing with boys etc, until I was around 8 when girls started to say things about what I wore and how my hair was done, the games I played, the fact I played with boys etc. Only when they pointed it out to me, I realise I was different. Although from around age 5/6 maybe younger had I felt I was a boy.
At about 5/6 I hated my body; I wanted to have a boy's body. I felt my body was wrong and ugly and that it wasn't mine. It just felt wrong and not who I really was. I felt deformed.
I remember feeling physically attracted to women too but feeling more of a bond, or a closeness to men. And kind of looking up to men, wanting to be like that one day.
At about age 8 I remember watching TV and there was a woman on there and I remember feeling 'funny' down below. And I had an urge to touch myself. I began to feel this way about certain women ever since and began to masturbate (at age 8 - but I didnt know why I did it or what it was). I hated my down below area; I used to imagine I had boy parts.
After I had began masturbating a woman teacher followed me to the bathroom. I was using the toilet and she made me do things I didn't want to do (but didnt understand), but I did also get some good feelings from it. It made me feel bad and guilty and i thought it was wrong but I thought she was just being nice to me.
I developed very early. I was 10 when I had my 1st period and I was very ill with it. I also hated it. I cried for so long wishing it would go away. It wasn't right for me. Before that my breasts had began to develop and I hated them and other kids noticed and made fun of me and asked questions - I hated it and hated myself; I felt like a circus freak. I didn't want to buy a bra. I used to hit myself (still do sometimes). I just wanted it to all stop growing, it wasn't my body so why was it happening? I was hoping it was a bad dream and I would wake up look down and see a penis. I hated to change for P.E lessons around the girls (at that age we all changed together - boys and girls). But then I hated to change around the boys when I had begun to develop. They began to see me as a girl and they didn't want to hang around with me anymore.
At about 9/10 I made a 'friend'. She was female. Looking back I see she was only my friend because our parents were friends and she felt sorry for me. She would make me do things too. I felt it was wrong but again I thought it was just because she liked me. I didn't know what games girls played so I just went a long with it – it didn't really feel bad. She basically used me. At school I wasn't allowed to talk to her unless she spoke to me. Eventually she stopped hanging around with me altogether.
I felt so alone. So lost and confused. Why was this happening to me? I felt I was a bad person, being punished. But I hadn't done anything to be punished for.
I also began to get quite hairy (all over not just my legs), which then led to very hairy (for a female anyway). I hated to expose my legs so even shorts began to be out of the question as girls would laugh at me saying I was Big Foot or that I didn't shave (this was about age 11 or 12).
To make it worse at 11 I started the comprehensive (high school). It was like growing up within a few hours. It was awful. I had no friends for about a year. I used to wander around by myself – reading. I didn't fit in with the girls but I no longer fitted in with the boys. I kept thinking 'why? What's wrong with me? I'm just being me.' I couldn't understand why people couldn't just like me for me.
I was badly bullied all throughout the comprehensive (and I didn't tell ANYONE I was being bullied, I just tried to cope alone). To the point where at 14 I tried to kill myself. At about 12 I had begun to see doctors and counsellors because my parents were worried about my 'odd' behaviour. I didn understand how I felt so I just said I was ok.
I used to get called 'dyke', 'lesbo', u know all those kind of names by the girls. And the guys would call me a '->-bleeped-<-'. So I began to be extra girlie so they would leave me alone. I copied what girls did, what they wore etc. It was so exhausting. It's so hard to be someone your not. Everyday looking in the mirror and putting on make up, growing your hair to be more girlie. Wearing uncomfy clothes. I still do this; I don't know how to say who I really am.
Which brings me to now:
I have depression from things life has thrown at me. Other things such as my granddads death and my dad being ill etc. So I currently am seeing a counsellor (she's new for me). I feel so comfy with her and I am desperate to tell her about my secret hell, trapped in this body but I go to and something pulls me back, stops me from speaking. I don't know how to tell her. I don't know how to tell anyone.
I came out about a year ago to 2 people as being bisexual. One is my cousin who I am very close to and the other is a good friend although we no longer are really friends but we do speak now and again. That was extremely difficult. But they have both been supportive. I want the world to know but something inside me wont let me. The friend who I told I have liked since around a year after meeting her (around 8 years). I still like her (she is straight and in a relationship with a male, I am extremely jealous. So jealous of him, I wish I was him or that she would notice me like she notices him. When we were younger we did a few things together, it meant a lot to me but it was just experimenting for her so it makes me feel a little upset when I think about it. But if she's happy I am).
I say I am bisexual. I physically and mentally am attracted to women. I am attracted to women in every way a man is. I don't want to have sex with them like a lesbian; I want to be able to give a woman what a man would. I can and have had relationships with males but I am not at all physically attracted to men (especially their 'manhood', it puts me off). I haven't had sex with a male and I don't want to. But I have had intimate relationships. I'm not sure if that makes me bisexual but that's who I feel I am. I would like to find a woman who likes me for me.
That's it basically. I'm just unsure of where to go now – do I tell people or not? Do I become male physically or continue as I am? Do I tell my counsellor? Am I just a 'freak'? These are just a few questions, which I ask myself more than once a day. It is taking over my life. It is destroying my life and me. I am suicidal.
Any opinions or experiences would be of great help. Thank you for listening and I am so sorry its long.
It feels so great to get it out at last. I am sorry it's a bit all over the place as well! I had a little cry while writing this and I feel so much better now I have spoken about it.
It feels ok to express myself here as I know you won't judge me and that most of you if not all of you, will be able to relate to me.
Thank you again and thank you for such a wonderful place where I can talk about this.
letmebe_me
Posted on: 13 August 2007, 12:44:35
Also, I forgot to say:
I have been bullied enough before even 'coming out' so I am scared that when I do come out it may be worse. You hear of stories like Brandon Teena and it really scares me :/
