I'm having a rough day and I could use some advice.

[accidentallyhipster]

Hey..

So I'm know I'm pretty new here but I feel really lost at the moment and I need a place to vent, cry get advice - just be heard really.

So starting off with the good news. I've been on Hormones for a little over a week. While I don't feel a ton different, I'm at least able to get that judgemental voice in the back of my head to shut up because I am in fact "doing something about it."

Here's where things are getting rocky. I need a job - I need a job I can feel safe and I can be out at. On HRT they are going to notice, plus I don't think my psyche can handle being in the closet any more. I'm already a wreck when I get the wrong pronouns from family.

Not only do I need a job for rent, gas, food, cat food - those types of things but I'd also like to have kids one day. I'm totally open minded to adopting, but I'd like to save sperm (while I can) just in case I want to go that route. I don't want my future self to be angry with my past self for not having her crap together.

I've been playing phone tag all afternoon and I'm: No closer to having a job, still needing to pay rent and gas, but also now I'm looking at what will end up being a $400-$600 expense to try to bank things. So now my monthly expense is over a grand, and as I said I don't have a job.

All of that aside, I'm terrified my Doctor is going to tell me to stop taking hormones until I can bank stuff, and it took me over 15 years to find the courage to start - I really don't want to stop. ...oh and sorry for the rant but thus far my insurance hasn't covered anything. I still owe about $250 from my original Endocrinologist appointment.

*sigh, and cries under the table*

Thank you for listening, and I'm defiantly open eared to suggestions.
-Erin

[mrs izzy]

Erin,

Wow a plate full.

Being in that middle of the road place is not fun.

I would set priorities and then try and work them.

Job i already see and banking.

Hrt will kill the little swimmers so not a good idea to spend good money if your no longer viable.

Its hard, take things a step and day at a time.

Hugs

[suzifrommd]

Hugs Erin. Looking for a job is one of the hardest challenges people face, regardless of their gender identity.

The good news is that I don't think HRT is going to affect your chances of employment. Changes in face and skin are subtle, and even if they become noticeable many months from now, I doubt people are going to look at you and say, "Look at the shape of that person's face. They must be trans."

True, you may end up with noticeable breast development, though that will also take a long time. If/when that happens, you may need to explore the part of the forums to pick up tips on how to hide your breasts. Both the FTM and MTF areas have a lot of threads on the subject.

Most important, don't get discouraged. If you're intelligent and willing to work hard, there are many employers who will be happy (and lucky) to have you work for them. The key is to be persistent and never assume they wouldn't want you.

Good luck, dear. This journey is hard, but you are strong.

[Seras]

Whats more important to you? Being yourself or risking not being able to have biological children?
A number of people have been able to come off of spiro and maybe other AAs and been able to get it workin again. It might work, of course it also might not and you might lose the ability.

Good luck either way.

[MelissaAnn]

ErHere's a great big hug for you sweetie(((HUG))). You do have your plateful what what you're worrying about. As somebody who has hired people in the past. One of the things that was always very important to me and what I have noticed from other employers is confidence that you can do the job that you're seeking confidence seems to be the key factor here, along with being knowledgeable and willing to work. The fact that your in the early stages of your transition, you really shouldn't have any problems getting the job no matter what gender you identify with. Try to take a deep breath and relax a little bit everything will turn out okay in the sun will rise tomorrow, so keep your head up and good luck finding a job. I really do hope you find all the joy and happiness you so deserve.

Much love,

Melissa Ann

[accidentallyhipster]

Thanks for the responses everybody. It's nice to just know people care and read things
I feel like I'm in an emotional catch 22. If I stop (I'm on blockers and E) my Endo just told me that since it's only been a week by the time I have the meeting for the banking (Dec 15th) everything should still 'work.' I think that the me of the future would/will be really appreciative of the option. The me of today can't fathom stopping. I didn't 'come out' to anyone until last year when one of my first/oldest friends died. But this - all of this I've known since I was a kid, and finally being able to become the person that I've known I am has been amazing. I've been happier this week - than... ever really. I know I'd only have to stop for 25 days, and logically that is nothing but a drop of the bucket in my lifespan. But emotionally it feels like the end of the world.

As for the job front I want a job I can be out at. Even if I'm not 'passing...' (I don't really like that term, but I can't think of a better synonym) I'm so tired at working at uber homophobic and racist places. I've learned that shoots my blood pressure up and triggers me like no other. So I don't want to have to hide. If I could put up with it finding a seasonal job this time of year wouldn't be difficult, but I just can't bring myself to do it (Again). I finally came out, I'm afraid if I go back in the closet (At work or wherever) I won't have the strength to come out again.. 

I'm sorry for the emotional fest. I just feel like I was holding the hands of the me of my dreams, and as soon as she got here I have to let her go again.

[stephaniec]

you should be  able to find work for the  holidays to get some cash

[accidentallyhipster]

you should be  able to find work for the  holidays to get some cash

I can, but I really don't want to work at a place that I can't be out at. I've walked out of jobs because I have been so uncomfortable. So I want people know about "me" when they hire me. If then they still choose to hire me I'd rather they keep me for longer than just the holidays as I know they already accept me (although, I *would* still take a seasonal job if they accepted me). I'm 25, and I've probably had that many jobs. I just want some steadiness if that makes sense.

[Lostkitten]

I am sorry you got so much ->-bleeped-<- happening in so little time =/.

Looking for a job myself and about to start with HRT but it being so clearly visible I am trans as soon as I start talking especially, it sounds very familiar.. Now I am way too honest in interviews and feel like I screwed up with honesty a few times now. But getting an interview on its own should be less of a problem now.

Have you seen the article of a man called Jose written in a turkish way, and he removed the s putting his name just as Joe. Just this simple change gave him much more interviews. The same you can do by not being afraid for showing who you are, but the opposite. People are often curious so make them curious in who you are as a person and I can speak out of experience that you will be invited over just because people get curious in you.

(before that sounds as if you need to tell someone your life story, I simply put a photo on my resume big sized, half my face where people did not know wither I was a guy or a girl)

Am happy to help you with your resume if that would help you. Unemployed Designer at the moment anyway so just as well make others happy in the spare time .

Cheer up ^^. All the ->-bleeped-<- always happens at once but you will get out of it and will be only the happier. Same for me, and then we can shake hands !

[accidentallyhipster]

Thank you so much, I will take you up on your offer as why turn down the help if it's offered.
PM me your email or something?

Also I know it's sad an whiney, I'll admit that but I fancy myself a bit of poet/songwriter at times. At the very least it helps get the anxiety out of my head. I won't say I feel totally better, but I wrote this since I posted the original comment.

They gave me my truth, they came in pills.
Working on my identity, I hope it fulfils.
Slipping and falling on this icy path.
Heart pounding so, but I can't do the math!

I fall to the ground, my head hits the wall,
Fear, anxiety and money inspiring this fall.
I've been waiting - looking forward this time.
Going back to the old - being forced to rewind.

It is just for a month; or so they say.
Put the bottle on the shelf, be a boy today.
Not hungry or tired, I stare into infinity,
Trying to hold the whispers of feeling like me.

How will I explain this pause, to my child?
Mom is a boy, "those parts" still required.
Will they see me as she, or logically a he?
Will they get the woman I'm supposed to be?

It is cold outside, the winter breath;
the wind's choke-hold on my chest.
I shiver through the falling snow,
time waiting for this month to go.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hey Erin

Firstly, woah there.  Slow down girl.  Breathe.  Stop and have a decent cup of tea or coffee and some cookies and be nice to yourself.  OK, you need a job.  This is solvable.  As a student it may not be ideal, but it's perfectly possible.  Also, you're a student... you're on your way to a decent job in a few years in any event, which is so very lucky!  Yeah, you've got a little debt right now, perhaps if you work on it you can kill it in a few months.

Now to HRT.  It's not a miracle GrowGirl potion.  Changes come slowly and most people won't even notice them. I absolutely know what it means psychologically, hell, I ran home to put on my first patch!!   But HRT is really not going to make any difference to your working environment. 

What is the issue about being out or not at work?  You need to help us a bit here, 'cause your avatar shows a girl, really it does.

Freezing your sperm.  This is cool, you're clearly thinking about your options; many girls don't.  But try not to get wound up if you need to come off HRT for some days.  Remember if you go for SRS you'll be off HRT for several months, aaaargh!  But it won't make you any less of a woman. 

Also, I want you to ask yourself this:  have you become materially more of a woman since you started HRT a week ago?  Of course not, because the woman already exists; she's right there between your ears.  I understand that it took guts to start, but hey, you'll get your genes frozen, and wow, what a gift your present self is giving to your future self!  You'll thank her for her generosity, even as you wonder how the student airhead was ever sharp enough back then to anticipate a future need.

So, you're being misgendered by your family.  It drives me nuts too, but I know that they don't mean any harm (hopefully neither do yours) - they're just having difficulty breaking a habit of 25 years.  A little exercise I did soon after I came out:  I imagined how my mother, father and sister must individually feel.  The person they thought they knew is someone totally different. And now he, sorry, she wants us to flick a switch so that everything changes.  Cut us some slack girl - we need time, and sorry for getting your gender wrong, we've got our own battle going on here.

And when you feel overwhelmed, stop.  Tea. Cookie.  There is time, really there is.

hugs
Julia

[accidentallyhipster]

Julia,

First off thank you. Secondly I'm crying in the middle of my schools cafeteria, so thank you for that.

You're right stopping my hormones for a little while isn't going to make a difference in work or to my femininity. But you're right, it's totally psychological. I guess I'm dumb enough to think that if I stop I won't be able to start again, but smart enough to post here for you tell me I'm being silly.

As for work, I live in St. Louis, and I don't care if the HRC calls us %100 LGBT friendly - that has so not been my experiences. Maybe it's because I'm starting to live as I've felt my whole life. But being out my armour just isn't as good as it used to be. Maybe one day I'll get it back, but for now the idea of working at a place that is filled with middle school and high school bullies yelling "->-bleeped-<-" just sounds like I'd be setting myself up for a lot of misery. I was trying to say I just wanted to "out myself" during the interview. This way they'd know and either wouldn't hire me if they are bigots, or would be cool with it (And I'd know) and could be out at work.

The fact you say there is a girl in my avatar makes me unbelievably happy. But believe it or not I've never been able to be "in girl mode" at work, and I'm ready for it. ...and I feel if I had to go back to the old ways it would cause more dysphoria.

I like your idea about the tea and cookies. I wanna go home. I think I'm going to add cat cuddles to that as well.
You all are amazing, thank you for putting up with me.

[Seras]

They gave me my truth, they came in pills.
Working on my identity, I hope it fulfils.
Slipping and falling on this icy path.
Heart pounding so, but I can't do the math!

...

It is cold outside, the winter breath;
the wind's choke-hold on my chest.
I shiver through the falling snow,
time waiting for this month to go.

But in the end, the fear that showed,
all of my anxieties, untold.
Slip'd away like hot butter from a knife,
as finally I could enjoy my life.


---

Sorry but I thought it needed a happier ending

[accidentallyhipster]

Haha What is this "Happy ending" you speak of?
I'm a punk kid, we're angry or sad about everything

[Seras]

lol I am just in a good mood
I am normally a sceptical pessimist so I gotta make the most of it!

Plus I suck at writing although I enjoy it so I thought I would just hijack your poem instead

[accidentallyhipster]

Well have at it xD
There are more where that one came from.
Although, they are normally al pretty sad. :/

[Seras]

That's cool though, writing can be pretty cathartic, and sometimes the strong emotions can make it onto the page for some good stuff! Although I am generally more prone to sprawling prose than poetry.

Btw Julia wasn't lying about your avatar you look nice, way cute. I think you will  look good in a few months, really. Then you will be forced to admit that at least not everything is bad and that my final verse was prophetic!

[accidentallyhipster]

i agree about the writing, and aww! I can't wait for that to be true