Coming Out? [To a friend]

[CapnKye]

Despite all of my changes (my haircut, my male clothes, my male shampoo/conditioner/body wash, boxers in the laundry, etc.), I still have not said the words "I am transgender" to anyone in my "real world." All of my friends online know, but in person, I am still "in the closet."

I am too nervous to tell my family yet. I have a gay uncle, and a grandma who is very supportive of things LGBT, but I am not very close to either of them. Besides, it would probably hurt my mom a lot if I told them first. I just...don't know how to tell her, and I don't know how well she'll take it. She is nice enough to my uncle about his sexuality (until they get into an argument), although she does think it's a sin and she is really weird and uncomfortable with it. So how do I tell her she has a pansexual son?

As for my dad (who lives in another state), I'm his only *daughter.* How do I tell him I'm not? That he really has another son? His family is extremely religious, but he's atheist. I don't know if that'll mean anything though.
I'm more worried about my mom's reaction than his though because I'm with my mom a lot more.

All in all, I'm terrified to tell my family, but I'm also getting really frustrated with keeping this a secret. I need to tell someone in person. I need someone to know. It doesn't seem real, otherwise. I think if someone else knows I can finally stop trying to tell myself it's not real because it is.

So I made a promise to tell my friend, Danny, over break. (Now.) he's gay and he was very accepting of another guy (ftm) at our school when he came out, so I feel like this is a safe bet, yet I'm still terrified. I don't know how.


So does anyone have any good tips for coming out to friends? (And thank you for reading this terribly long thing, if you did.) have a great day everyone.

Kye.

[Kaydee]

I don't know that I have any great advice.  I have come out to most of my family (excluding my adult children) and maybe a half-dozen friends.  I have been very happy with the positive way most have reacted.    With the exception of my wife - which I knew would go badly- everyone has been, at least initially, supportive.   And no one - not even my wife - has treated me with other than respectfully.   Now, I will admit to choosing to come out to those I thought most likely to be supportive - but, really, I have been I bit overwhelmed by the support of my friends.

I usually give them a bit of background (struggling with depression in my case..) and then tell them about what I learned about myself (I am transgender..)and my (short) history of how I am continuing to discover who I am and where I am heading. 

Usually I don't get all the way through before they begin letting me know how they feel or want to ask questions.

I know things don't always go that well.  I wish you the best of luck (and friends.)

[adrian]

Hi Kye,

I also haven't managed to come out to my family [emoji13]. But most of my friends know, I must say that was the easy part. I knew they'd be relaxed about this and will support me -- and haven't been disappointed. I have had a pretty rough two years, so I started telling them how I thought I'd figured out what was "wrong" with me and what caused the problems I had (I didn't figure out I'm trans until this summer).

If you think your friends will be supportive, I'd say start with them and get some practice coming out. It does get a little easier with time . You could start by alluding to your changed appearance etc. "you may have noticed...". You could tell them about how you felt growing up and what lead to your realization.

By the way, there's also a "coming out" forum here -- maybe you'll find some inspiration there

[CapnKye]

I don't know that I have any great advice.  I have come out to most of my family (excluding my adult children) and maybe a half-dozen friends.  I have been very happy with the positive way most have reacted.    With the exception of my wife - which I knew would go badly- everyone has been, at least initially, supportive.   And no one - not even my wife - has treated me with other than respectfully.   Now, I will admit to choosing to come out to those I thought most likely to be supportive - but, really, I have been I bit overwhelmed by the support of my friends.

I usually give them a bit of background (struggling with depression in my case..) and then tell them about what I learned about myself (I am transgender..)and my (short) history of how I am continuing to discover who I am and where I am heading. 

Usually I don't get all the way through before they begin letting me know how they feel or want to ask questions.

I know things don't always go that well.  I wish you the best of luck (and friends.)

I'm glad to hear that you've gotten so many positive responses! And that the ones who weren't necessarily supportive were still respectful. That's what I'm hoping for.

Thank you for sharing how you've come out in the past; it really helps to have an idea of what has worked! I'll definitely try to use it.

Thanks again.
Kye.

[CapnKye]

Hi Kye,

I also haven't managed to come out to my family [emoji13]. But most of my friends know, I must say that was the easy part. I knew they'd be relaxed about this and will support me -- and haven't been disappointed. I have had a pretty rough two years, so I started telling them how I thought I'd figured out what was "wrong" with me and what caused the problems I had (I didn't figure out I'm trans until this summer).

If you think your friends will be supportive, I'd say start with them and get some practice coming out. It does get a little easier with time . You could start by alluding to your changed appearance etc. "you may have noticed...". You could tell them about how you felt growing up and what lead to your realization.

By the way, there's also a "coming out" forum here -- maybe you'll find some inspiration there

The only thing that makes me nervous about coming out to friends first is that, although I am 18 and of legal age to do what I want in terms of my gender identity, I still live with my mom as I am finishing high school this year. I really don't want her (or my younger sisters who attend the same school as me) to find out from someone else.

Anyways, I think I will start it out like that and hopefully the rest comes to me. I actually have alluded to it before with this particularly friend. Maybe I'll point out those times to help him see that this isn't just a split second decision.


Woah, I didn't realize there was a forum just for that! I'll head over there. thanks for the advice. I hope things go well with your family (when and if you decide to tell them).

Thanks again.
Kye.

[Lostkitten]

Don't worry too much who you will hurt the most when you will come out. You are making it all seem worse than it might be. It sounds awesome you got supportive people in the family ^^. I think you should tell them first. First tell the people who you are almost sure of, won't be upset. It gets easier to come out when you got more supportive people behind you.

Of course your parents would want to hear it first, but you got a place and time for everything. You are an adult and parents probably learned over time you tell something different to each person. It is more common to talk to your mother with relationship problems, as an example .

It will be fine ^^. Don't go worrying too much about 'what ifs'

[CapnKye]

Don't worry too much who you will hurt the most when you will come out. You are making it all seem worse than it might be. It sounds awesome you got supportive people in the family ^^. I think you should tell them first. First tell the people who you are almost sure of, won't be upset. It gets easier to come out when you got more supportive people behind you.

Of course your parents would want to hear it first, but you got a place and time for everything. You are an adult and parents probably learned over time you tell something different to each person. It is more common to talk to your mother with relationship problems, as an example .

It will be fine ^^. Don't go worrying too much about 'what ifs'

I wouldn't be so torn about who in the family to tell if I didn't think they would run to my parents. The supportive ones, unfortunately, also cannot keep secrets well. :/

But thank you for the encouragement! I really appreciate it.

[FTMax]

At the end of the day, you've gotta do what's best for you. Would someone's opinion of your identity stop you from transitioning, or cause you to hesitate? For me, the answer was such a resounding no that I went ahead and pre-emptively removed quite a few people from my life to keep drama to a minimum and I made it clear post coming out that I'd just as soon get rid of anyone else that wasn't supportive.

Is it manipulative and maybe a bit slimy? You bet. But I've found that people who want to be in your life will quickly fall into line when you make it clear that they don't have a choice but to behave a certain way.

Good luck

[CapnKye]

At the end of the day, you've gotta do what's best for you. Would someone's opinion of your identity stop you from transitioning, or cause you to hesitate? For me, the answer was such a resounding no that I went ahead and pre-emptively removed quite a few people from my life to keep drama to a minimum and I made it clear post coming out that I'd just as soon get rid of anyone else that wasn't supportive.

Is it manipulative and maybe a bit slimy? You bet. But I've found that people who want to be in your life will quickly fall into line when you make it clear that they don't have a choice but to behave a certain way.

Good luck

Ruling with an iron fist, eh?

That sounds great, and I only wish that I could be that strict. I have a hard time letting go of people, which is more than mildly annoying...but I also feel like if it came down to it, that's how it would have to be.

[FTMax]

Ruling with an iron fist, eh?

That sounds great, and I only wish that I could be that strict. I have a hard time letting go of people, which is more than mildly annoying...but I also feel like if it came down to it, that's how it would have to be.

Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do

[CapnKye]

Touché [emoji5]️

I have a strong urge to tell my mom tonight, actually. I just don't know how to bring this up. Or if now is the best time to do something like that.

[CapnKye]

Hey man, you gotta do what you gotta do

[Ms Grace]

I need someone to know. It doesn't seem real, otherwise.

That is a really good point. Something I haven't considered before but there is a lot of truth to it.

It gets easier telling people as you move along and care less about what they think. By the time I was getting close to full time transition I would just say "so, I'm trans". While that was sinking in I'd tell them a bit (not a lot) about how I never felt right in the gender I was assigned to, a bit about what I was doing to correct that and where I was going with transition. I also showed them pics of me in girl mode so they had some sense of the person I was about to become. You're not at that stage yet I'm guessing, but Danny sounds like a really nice supportive guy - so just start with, "hey Danny, I'm trans!" And see where that takes you!

As for whether you will hurt your mother (or anyone) by coming out as trans, just remember that you being honest about living as the person you know you are is what matters, if they choose to feel "hurt" that is totally on them not you. The only one that will be hurting them will be themselves, they could just as easily be supportive but chose not to.

Good luck with Danny!

[CapnKye]

That is a really good point. Something I haven't considered before but there is a lot of truth to it.

It gets easier telling people as you move along and care less about what they think. By the time I was getting close to full time transition I would just say "so, I'm trans". While that was sinking in I'd tell them a bit (not a lot) about how I never felt right in the gender I was assigned to, a bit about what I was doing to correct that and where I was going with transition. I also showed them pics of me in girl mode so they had some sense of the person I was about to become. You're not at that stage yet I'm guessing, but Danny sounds like a really nice supportive guy - so just start with, "hey Danny, I'm trans!" And see where that takes you!

As for whether you will hurt your mother (or anyone) by coming out as trans, just remember that you being honest about living who you know you are is what matters, if they choose to feel "hurt" that is totally on them not you. The only one that will be hurting them will be themselves, they could just as easily be supportive but chose not to.

Good luck with Danny!

I already have my "guy mode" that I'm in pretty often, actually. Hah. I think that everyone "knows," but I haven't explicitly said it, and they haven't asked. Know what I mean? It's time to fill the awkward silences and just tell them. (And they can stop assuming I'm a lesbian... [emoji19])

Thank you! I'm confident that Danny will take it well, and maybe he will introduce me to the one other trans* kid at our school (who also happens to be ftm xD just my luck)

[emoji5]️