I came OUT to my mom today.

[Bimmer Guy]

Hey, guys, so I went and told my mom today about my transition.

She did ok with it.  She knew about my top surgery a year ago, but at that time I didn't know if I was going to transition with T or not (I have always seen myself as more transgender than transsexual), so I just told her at the time that I wasn't a woman, but didn't see myself as male per se.  I was trying to minimize how distressed she was over it.

Anyway, she seemed to have a harder time when I told her about the top surgery, than she did today when I told her I was transitioning. Maybe at least part of it is that I have already had top surgery so she already had to face my gender dysphoria (even though I didn't completely spell it out to her back then) or maybe she is in shock.  Regardless, she did her usual thing about religion, saying that maybe if I prayed, God would help me find peace in this body, similar to what she has always said about me dating women.  She doesn't push the issue in a crazy aggressive way (and she cares for my female partner very much), it is just her belief and thinking when it comes to homosexuality.

Too, maybe she didn't freak out because she really has a hard time formulating all of it in her mind.  She asked me to show her pictures of FTMs online and of course had a hard time envisioning the guys as ever being female.  I need to show her before and after pictures, not just after pictures.

The other thing that makes it tough is that my mother is 72 years old and has never worked outside the home.  Subsequently, her social life has only revolved around people through her church and neighbors (read: conservative heterosexuals), so she has not been exposed to (or experienced), many people who are very different from her.  I think that makes things harder.  If you have never stepped outside your societal, cultural group, you tend to be more uncomfortable with differences and don't have a frame of reference when looking at anything outside of the gender norm (she has never understood me being so masculine, either...it just doesn't "compute" for her).

She loves me and I know she will try, but I know that she will never carry a banner saying that she is proud to have a trans* kid.

Now I need to tell my sister who will most likely languish on about how my transitioning will cause my mother and the whole family distress, implying I am selfish.  She's always fun that way. 

[Bimmer Guy]

Ugh.

Today I talked to my mother and she said that my transition is worse then my father's death because at least time can help that.

Lovely.

[captains]

Jesus, Brett. What a thing to say. I'm so sorry, man.

[Bimmer Guy]

Jesus, Brett. What a thing to say. I'm so sorry, man.

I know.  Especially since she has struggled so terribly with his death over the past 4 years.

Thanks for your note.  I appreciate it.

[aleon515]

Yikes, buddy. {{{Hugs}}}
Though she is quite wrong, that time MIGHT help (and might not). But still....

--Jay

[LittleBoyBear]

So she started out okay and then did a backslide? My mom did the same thing and now she and my sister aren't talking to me. Sorry she used such harsh wording with you, though. They seem to need to take it as a loss, and grieve. Suck since its just a new birth for us....

[adrian]

Sorry, man. I hope she comes around at some point.

[XiaoMei]

The good news is that your mother seems to be some what accepting which is better then nothing at all.


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[PucksWaywardSon]

Harsh. Hope things get better between you guys, that you can find a way to connect and remind your mom you're still the same person. This might be a case where bringing out the "it's a medical condition that can only be fixed by transitioning" line could help, maybe? It's hard to change a person's beliefs though.

[Bimmer Guy]

Thanks, guys.  Yes, a definite backslide Bear, I feel like I should start this thread all over again, as the opening post sure doesn't represent the way it is going.

It would be weird if we had some sort of rupture in our relationship as that has never happened before.  We have never had a yelling match where someone stormed out, a situation where we stopped speaking to each other, etc.  My mother has consistently been in my life.  She is even more in my life as she ages and my father has passed.

I just can't imagine there being a situation where I need to cut her off in someway.  I don't even know what that would look like.

She said to me, "You already live your life like a man, you have no boobs (I got top surgery), you dress like a man, go by yourself and sit at a bar like a man, why do you need to be hairy?  You just aren't realizing the ramifications to your life.  You are too young (huh?) to realize it."

[Ayden]

Hey Brother. I'm sorry you had to hear that. *Hugs*

I certainly know the conservative elder relation problem. My grandmother is 70, always worked in the home and I think of her as my mother. She had struggled with my coming out, though I did it in reverse. She saw hormones as temporary and once I had top surgery, it devastated her. She compared to me my mother, which is an incredibly sore subject. Her (paraphrased) words were "I understand why your mother turned to drugs. She had a hard life. But you a great one. Why are you doing this?" To clarify, this is my mothers mom, so it was an extra blow.

What has helped for me and my grandmother is that I'm still the same. Over the last two months she has realized that Erin and Ayde are the same person. I just have a beard now. Would that possibly help your mother?

I'm glad to hear that she likes your partner regardless of how she feels about a "homosexual" relationship.

If you don't mind my asking, what part of the country are you and your mother from? My family is all southern Kentucky coal folk, so they are closed minded, but not as bad as some places.

Keep your head up, Brother.

*Edit for spelling error*