I apologize for this long and disjointed post and any affronts I commit to grammatical structure.
I consider myself very fortunate so far with my transition I know that some people have lost a lot in this process.
I am a 56 years old; I have finally started living after decades of self doubt, fear, and self destructive behavior. I told my wife of thirty years about a year and half ago, she has been very supportive and says she just wants me to be happy. I know she doesn't understand completely, but it took me decades, and even if she never does we still love each other. It was my biggest fear that she would spurn me. She even has helped me with something's like doing my eyebrows and picking out clothes. Our children have been supportive as well.
I am the last in line of six children five boys and one girl I have not told any of my brothers directly, but I did tell my sister about year ago and she is actually very happy for me. I talked with my mother about it a few months ago, she has always been very progressive and she was not fazed at all her first response was "I always wished you were a girl". So my family at least the ones that know are all still in my life so that fear has been abated.
Before I came to accept myself for who I am I was a miserable negative person who thought his family would be better off just collecting on my life insurance.
When I finally pulled my self out of a death spiral of self destructive behavior of binge eating I weighed over 380 lbs. My plan is to lose weight and transition slowly and emerge at the end of this metamorphosis as the woman I am. My hope is that the people around me will transition along with me in a sort of organic manner.
I have so far lost 147 lbs and plan on getting to about 180 I would be happy to get below 200 though. I plan on starting HRT when I get closer to my goal. I did start electrolysis after reaching one of my weight loss goals and have more of those rewards for myself as I reach my weight loss goals. Also starting to see a therapist, something I should have done long before now.
I have gotten rid of all my male clothing at this point in my weight loss. I started wearing my new clothing to work phasing it in slowly at first, now I wear nothing but women's clothes.
I finally told my boss last week after the fire department came in for an inspection and one of the female fire fighters said good afternoon ladies to me and a coworker I was walking with. I have only told my manager, my HR rep already knew a year ago because I chat with her all the time. As I said I am hoping my coworkers will transition with me. So far the only thing any one else I work with has asked me is what I carry in my purse, I told them wallet, keys, and glasses just like anyone else. Currently working for a small company with people that I have known for many years in a small segment of the aerospace industry where almost everyone knows each other so I am not sure how some of the people I have worked with over the years will react when we cross paths again. Most people have noticed that I am much happier and more at ease and attribute it to my weight loss, however that weight loss would of not been possible with out my self acceptance, which is what really has turned my life in a positive direction.
I think I worry too much how people will react when they meet me and so far my fears have been unfounded and hope that continues. It probably has a lot to do with my age making the standards for passing less scrutinizing. Right now I pass about 50% of the time even though I have not started HRT or wear makeup; maybe people are just being polite which is fine with me. Full time without passing well can be hard at times, but I am not ever going back to pretending to be man .I know I feel more at ease and open in social situations than I ever have in the past despite this.
The only other transgender person I know is my son, who I wish I had confided with when they told me they were a boy in the 7th grade. There are so many things I wish I would have done or not done after he came out to us. I told him that I loved him no matter how he is, but I questioned him if it was just a phase or something. I don't know why maybe I hoped to spare him the kind of hell I was living at the time. In hindsight I should have helped him to embrace who he is right then and there. He was already in therapy trying to deal with early symptoms of schizophrenia and my questioning their identity certainly could not have helped. I love my son and he loves me, but I wish I would have done so many things differently, maybe his mental health problems wouldn't be so debilitating. I still feel horrible about this.
Stevie
