Writing is a hard exercise.Writing about one's own self is harder than one finger pushups...or putting on liquid eyeliner,it seems.I thought I should be brief.But probably I will fail.
Who I am?
Have you seen a pretty girl on public transport.She is so obviously pretty that everybody is looking at her.Guys staring at mouth agape.Girls frowning but still staring.She is the center of attention.I am the dude standing right behind her.Story of my life.
Hardly noticeable.
I am currently 29 years old ,going on 30.I live in India and English Is not my first language(so,you can ignore the jumbled thoughts,spelling mistakes and broken sentences). My journey is a bit different than most of you here.Let me elaborate.
When I was born astrology predicted I would be
girl.My mother's faith was turned upside down when a big-ass boy was born(Mum's friend actually commented on that particular aspect of my physique).I was happy until my Aunt named
me.My name is actually
funny.My first name is girl's name.I add middle name to sound manly.But when i use my first name people go "huh?" .Advantage me.I actually don't need to change name if I ever live as a girl.
While growing up I can distinctly remember my first sexual thought.A pic in a newspaper showed a popular actress wearing white tee and boy shorts.Nothing sexual.But to my 10 year old mind that was hot as hell.I don't know but every time I saw that picture my blood raced.Later I graduated to J-Lo's boob show.I was pretty happy.When I was 12 I developed a small lump behind my left nipple.Nobody told me what is
that.It went away with
medication.Now I wonder.
My adolescent life was pretty uneventful.Only aberration was a Greek sculpture.I had no idea why it turned me on so much.A grand statue of Zeus.I kept that very disturbing fact hidden till college.We as men are very good as compartmentalizing and forgetting.
In school I fell in love with a girl.Proposed her and she told me she wants me as her "best friend".F***.I was heartbroken.I was miserable and went to study Law.I figured that was the only subject where I could pass without actually studying much.Turns out my hunch was true.I passed with good marks but ended up feeling terrible as a lawyer when I started to work.On second year I distinctly remember one incident.I was laughing my heart out as someone was joking about putting on panties.Someone up there was also having a chuckle.
Like most of the guys with raging hormone but no girlfriend I was addicted to material of erotic nature.Problem was videos did nothing for me.I just kept staring at it.While other guys went excited seeing girls in their full glory I ended up yawning and
smiling.My brain required different things-Literature.I was hooked and used to read stories after stories.And one sudden night I discovered there are TG stories.I was literally unaware with this whole aspect of
gender.My brain just went kaboom and never been same.I was intrigued.
Things changed rapidly for few months and settled down somewhat but somethings in me changed....and it remained with me till today.First few months a year I was trying to hit on as many cd/tgirls as I can on Yahoo Messenger.But when you play with fire inevitable happens,you burn fingers and realize that there are no ointments in home,no ice either.I was intrigued by one simple fact,how do the clothes feel?What changes?Curiosity kills cats and teenagers alike.
I tried on mum's clothes.Hated it.Nothing looked
good.In other word I didn't feel pretty in plain muted colors.Vowed won't do that ever again.But back then I was regular on Yahoo and started to make girl ID.Eventually Cam
followed.Now on cam you require something
pretty.So my first buying trip followed.And I discovered power of clothes.Purging cycle followed.On those days I was never interested to women.I was not interested to men either,but I enjoyed attention.I was using hypnosis files,too.Are they effective? To paraphrase Crowley they are as effective as your imagination allows them to be.
After few years,the situation remained pretty same.I was regular unhappy as average Joe,not the special kind.
Then I read something in a chan board which described my journey perfectly and got a lot of encouragement to dress.Lots of buying followed.Earlier there were two constraints-one was money and second was actually fear of
shopping.Now I tried to buy online but things were delivered to mum which gave me taste of what panic attacks look like.Nothing was opened but I was afraid that someday somethings will
be.Plus I started working and established my own firm at 26 with another dude.I don't earn what my American counterparts earn but at least a little to buy what I feel like.Although I purged again a heck lot of staff but realized the second person is here to stay.And here I am,today.
Now I have thought about it.Why I dress?
For few of us it is sexual.The feelings of soft clothes giving hitherto undefined thrill.Pleasure from guilt and humiliation.I never felt the thrill.I just felt normal.Nothing out of ordinary.This fact alone scares me.Why should it feel exactly ordinary,being a
guy.To add to it, beautiful dress actually gave me confidence and a sense of
balance.In my female persona I am more centered.I am more in touch with my emotions I
guess.Beauty became something to strive for,which was not on the card as a male.That gave life a purpose.En femme mode I am eating right,taking care of my skin and exercising.Which even when not en femme shows up and people tell me that I take soo good care of my skin.I roll my eyes since I go hungry most of the day due to work pressure and my liver is in terrible condition.Although I don't smoke or drink.
Given a choice,would I be open to live as girl 24x7.I
would.No problemo.It feels like I am carrying memories from distant past with me which enables me to hook my bra from behind or walking in high heels without teetering.
My life was always devoid of any
relationship.As a male I am pretty happy being
alone.As a girl I end up imagining things which makes blood rush to my face.(not downward). Feels awkward but good.
If I had a choice I would have probably gone to gender counseling but here options are very few.Currently my life is in crossroad.I am not depressed but i am not happy either.There is a sense that certain things are missing which I can't exactly put my fingers on.I am quiet bored with my day job.Always wanted to be photographer or anything creative(although I have a interest in programming,computer security and trading equities and derivatives) but can't due to real life circumstances.Being out here right now is not an option.Maybe in a different country or place.
Last month I very politely told my mom I dress.I also told her I am very interested in cosmetics.Putting on and putting makeup on
others.Mom just took it well.I can't figure out whether she understood implications of what I said.But she saw my dressed pictures.Gulped and asked who is this? I squeaked "its me,mom". Mom went wide eyed in shock.
I ended up visiting one reputed cosmetology school but the course fees gave me heart attack.I ended up not taking courses but they now a days keep on calling me(that is very important to me since I was thinking a lot of stares and looks). The counselor was taken aback and lost composer for a brief moment when she went through my career and gulped "why makeup courses?" and then found her composure and helped out with the answer by herself "hobbies?I guess". I nodded.Everything was A-ok.
But in this mess I discovered I actually love shopping,and I love shopping cosmetics from stores which many men actually fear.I went to four different cosmetics stores and ended up forking a fortune.I have no idea why most girls actually are very warm to me (not all of them..lol). But most of them thinks I am buying for my wife or says so just to keep me
happy.Works well. So last few years I have spend actually ten times more money buying girl clothes while not buying a single item of male clothing.But my shopping trips are stories for another post.
Right now,to sum it up- I am clueless.I wanna take decision before I hit thirty or soon after.Let's see.
