Separating from my wife

[Jessica_S]

In 2010-2011 I started the process of counselling and planning transition. I was ready to push the button. I had come out to my father and finally came out to my wife. Her reaction was... Not great. She was so hurt and empathetic backwash of her hurt and (for a time) hatred of me was more than I could bear. I rapidly back-pedalled. Stopped my counselling dead and tried to convince myself I was "just" a cross dresser who had allowed things to get out of hand.
We rebuilt our relationship.  Dysphoria waxed and waned and I occasionally fell off the ->-bleeped-<-wagon when she was away.
In the past year we have been living long distance, seeing each other at weekends. Even before that we had got to the stage we were a bit like best friends sharing a house. Simultaneously my dysphoria has worsened and worsened in a scenario where I am able to dress without fear of discovery (every moment I can). My clothing / makeup / wig collection is as big as it's ever been and I am at the stage of restarting counselling in my current city (and rejoining Susan's).

This weekend my wife initiated a conversation during which we admitted to each other that while we loved each other our relationship was more like best friends or siblings than husband and wife. Our lives were drifting apart but we agreed the time had come to separate. We cried, hugged each other through the day, we told our parents.

In this the main obstacle to my transitioning has gone. I am feeling heartbroken, elated and terrified.

Sorry if this is meandering and doesn't really come to a point. I just needed to unload.

Jessica

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[Jessica Merriman]

Vent anytime you need to girl! Most of us have been in the same boat and totally understand what you are about to go through. It is not pleasant, but must be done for your overall health. We do stand together even though we are apart. This is YOUR home as well, so use your family here whenever needed and as many times as needed.

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Jessica_S

Oh, what a collection of emotions - I really feel for you.  I am so happy that you seem to have resolved your relationship without having descended into acrimony.  That says wonders for both of you, and I really hope that it continues.

Welcome.  This is going to be an exciting, wonderful, terrifying, frustrating, elating and uplifting time for you. Take it slowly; draw on your inner strength, and let yourself free.

With many hugs
Julia

[JoanneB]

I too had a long distance marriage for many years while I worked some 350 miles from home. All that alone time and a totally non-challenging job gave me too much free time. Time to be alone with my own thoughts and no place to hide from them. Being "Just a Cross-Dresser", or CD++, was just a lie I told myself. Living that lie was the biggest thing that led to my wife hating me. I sure changed over the years, in a bad way.

Taking on the trans beast while I was away saved me from myself. Each step is wrought with unknowns. Worse is taking on the risks of loosing important things in your life. We all wish nothing changes other then us, but it does.

[ImagineKate]

My wife today asked if I want a divorce. I feel it is inevitable.

I told her I don't want one but if she does I won't stop her. Just bring whatever papers you need me to sign and a pen. And I need reasonable joint custody of the kids.

So I know how you feel sorta.

My new therapist has been preparing me for this as well. Truth be told divorce would be better than constant fights and verbal abuse. She doesn't want a woman and she says she's not a lesbian. Reasonable. I'm probably not one either but I still love her.

I love her but I don't want to commit suicide or die slowly. I am a woman and the only relief for my dysphoria is transition. She has been begging for alternate solutions but I can't do it. Low dose feminizes me really well and there is no counseling or anything else that would "fix" me other than transition. And pretty much without it I would be in a very sorry state and even contemplating the unthinkable. So I need to do what I need to do.

[Rachel]

Hugs Jessica.

I wish I could take your pain away or offer some great prows but all I have is a pit in my stomach reading your post. I think eventually I will be confronted with the same choice. I hope you can sleep tonight and tomorrow is a better day.

[kathyk]

...
In this the main obstacle to my transitioning has gone. I am feeling heartbroken, elated and terrified.
...

It's a big relief when we do separate from our wives, even if it's an emotional roller coaster.  I'm sure it was hard to hear your wife say that the marriages was over, but it lifts a lot of weight off both of you.  All the stress that you had lived through disappears, and new pleasures or fears will take it's place.  It all depends on how you manage transition. 

Honestly, I'm sorry your marriage went where most of ours have, but at least you're still friends and can keep in touch.  When I'm in California my wife and I live like sisters in rooms at oposite ends of the house we own, but even our home will soon be entirely hers.  Who knows, maybe your wife will find a way to accept you as a new BFF just because it's nice to keep a best friend. 

[KittyKat]

One of the hardest things I'm doing right now is living with my wife. We had gotten separated by my choice in April, however after my retirement from the military neither of us could really afford to live separated, especially in NYC, I had been paying both our rents. We moved out of New York all together and went to Oklahoma where she had a friend and cost of living is less then half of what it was. While I love being with my son every day, the pain of being around my wife is eating away at me. She is not a person who loves my I've tried changing it but when she told me a year ago she could never love a women, it was over. I have not been able to get an ounce of love in return from her no matter the situation. She can see me crying and won't hug me she doesn't even want to touch me if she can avoid it. Sometimes in transitioning we save ourselves but we do break the promise we made to our spouse. In my case I don't think I'd be here to type this if I didn't make my choice and I'm glad to be here for my son.

[Allyda]

Hi Jessica,

I'm so sorry your marriage is over but like Kathy says, maybe you and your wife can become good friends. I am happy for you now that you may begin your journey tho, and I wish you the very best of luck in your transition. Don't worry about venting, we all must at one time or another and as Jess said, we're here to support you. Vent anytime you need to.

I myself was married only once long ago. Luckily my being IS I couldn't have children. With us tho while she and I did love each other, it was more of a marriage of convenience to get her away from an abusive family rather than a lifetime decision. It was hard but even before we married I explained my whole IS/Trans situation to her. We did stay together for 12 years but alas she wasn't a lesbian and my femininity both physically and mentally was impossible to hide so we finally decided to split up and divorce after she had completed school and got solidly financially on her feet. She and I still remain good friends to this day though we're separated by a couple of states and don't get to see each other as often as we used to. Though my situation is a little different, a good friendship can come out of a marriage in these situations if no animosity exists and you are both in agreement.

Ally

[Jessica_S]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.
I know it's going to be a lot of ups and downs but this is the right thing to do.

My love to you all

J

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