I could use some advice.

[XiaoMei]

I'll cut most of this short for everyone by leaving huge chunks of information out.

I never had many friends but I had a few close friends (that's like 4-5 people) and they're the only people I hang out with. I told all 5 my secret and only 2 remained my friend, though shortly afterwards only 1 speaks to me now. The problem is I am 21 years old and my good friend is 60 years old. I had to move states 4 years ago and now I just feel really alone. I don't drink, smoke, and have a phobia of loud sounds, so parties is certainly no option for me.

Basically I am not a "cool" person. But I do love studying the Chinese culture and history, and can speak fairly well in Mandarin Chinese.

My Mum believes I might have a hormonal problem because when I was 16 I stopped growing and my voice just stopped changing. I have a high pitch voice - basically I sound like a teenager boy still going through puberty. Playing old videos of me when I was 16 has revealed that I sound precisely exactly the same as I did when I was 16 years old.

Most people consider me to be a "Pretty Boy" or a Homosexual. I don't ever reveal my sexuality to anyone because I am not interested in relationships, so I don't care if they think I am gay, straight, bi, etc.

I am terrified, because my fears have come true, and I feel like I will have to face many problems in the future. I have two more sessions until my facial hair is removed permanently (IPL), but my next step is to see a psychologist (my luck, I told my Mum I was a transgender AFTER we moved states. I live in a small town and cannot get the help I need here, so I've been here for 4 years without any help, though we are moving in 4 months so I can get help once we leave this town and into the city).

I'm worried, afraid, confused. I want the surgery so badly where I haven't even a second thought about getting the chop. The problem is my fear and anxiety of others around me.

I am absolutely terrified, because I want to become a girl so badly, yet I don't want to go through hell either. At the back of my mind I want to turn back, but my body and soul just won't stop moving forward - basically telling me to be brave.

The main point is, what should I do when it comes to friends? Do I have 'temporary friends' and never tell them my secret? Or do I cut myself off from everyone? I also have a stable job and I confronted my boss about my issues and luckily she was nice about it and let's me wear the women's pants and shirt. They're basically the same as the boys clothing except the boys have to tuck in their shirts. The girls shirts flaps are a bit too small for that, so I get anxiety that people will begin to question why I don't have to tuck in my shirt...

On one hand I want people to know at my work place so I can be freed from this burden, but I am just too afraid on the reactions. I live in a small town and once specific people know something, it'll spread all around town. Everyone will know, and that'd be fine if there weren't trans phobic people. I get stalked at night time just for having a girlish backpack by a couple of teenagers. It'd be even worse if they ACTUALLY knew my secret!!

Anyways, I do have a little help at least. My 60 year old friend said that when I get the surgery she will come with me (I plan to get the surgery in possibly Korea, Thailand, or another state in Australia). So that makes me feel relieved and she even wants to help me dress as a girl (I dress in unisex clothes and wear a beanie to cover my long hair).

Sorry if I rambled on too much... Just a bit emotional today.


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[Haven G]

What you do when it comes to outing yourself is purely a personal choice. Neither only having superficial relationships nor cutting yourself off from everybody sounds like a particularly good idea. Maybe you can find a balance of privacy and being able to express yourself? What you do with your body is your business and yours alone so you don't have to announce your gender to everyone you meet, but sometimes it's nice to have one or two close friends who knows what's up with you that you can just vent to. And of course you are taking a risk every time you tell somebody the truth about yourself--I know I've lost a few friends who just weren't able to deal with it--but really it's their loss. I know that sadly it's reasonable even in this day and age to fear acts of violence from transphobes but the best you can do is practice discretion in who you tell and educate the public as best you can.

Good luck with everything .

[Skyler]

Hi XiaoMei, I think you would benefit a lot by going to a transgender or gender variant group to make friends or meet new people. Have you checked online or in the Support group section? I'll echo again it is your personal choice to out your self at work and as you know there are risks involved with that. However, you must also think of your future as we arent provided with a lot of information about your self age, financial situation etc etc. Maybe it would be a possibility to find a company or business to work for that has more outstanding credibility with the lgbt community. People will sometimes surprise you on how accepting they can be. I wish you all the best with a happy life