Hey there. I'm not really good at writing introductions but here goes nothing.
So as you may have surmised from my username my name is Haven. I'm a teenager from the deep freeze that is the Midwest, especially right now
. I am also FtM so I prefer pronouns of the male variety.
My story is kind of typical. I was always a normal kid with a relatively happy childhood. I grew up with two loving parents and never really wanted for anything...except understanding. At the time, everyone assumed that my penchant for stereotypically "boy" things--especially clothes from the boys' section and standing up to urinate--was just me going through a tomboy phase. I knew, though, that it was probably something more than that. My misguided parents, albeit well-meaning, assumed that the best way to handle my "phase" was to extinguish it by saying things like, "But honey, those are BOY things. You're a girl," and the like and were baffled when I responded that no, I was a boy. This went on until I was about eight and the disparity between the genders become more pronounced and I was forced by my parochial school classmates into grudgingly fulfilling the role of your average little girl. My parents divorced when I was ten and that started the rift that would form between me and my mother. We grew further apart which proved to be catastrophic once I turned eleven. That's when I dropped the bombshell they never expected. Yes, I came out. I still didn't really have a good grasp on what being trans meant, but I knew that puberty was closing in quickly and that I was less than pleased with my developing body and newly created female gender roles. I left a letter on my mom's nightstand saying that I was sorry, I hoped she could still love me, it wasn't her fault--but I wasn't the precious daughter she'd thought she had. I was her son and was tired of living in a way that didn't jive with how I felt on the inside. The day after, she sat me down and told me firmly that it was normal to be confused at my age, but that God simply didn't make mistakes so I couldn't possibly be a boy--after all, I was a GIRL, couldn't I see that? Was I sure it wasn't a ploy to get Mommy's attention. I believe that was the first time I ever told my mom I hated her. The next few years proceeded in a similar fashion, my relationship with my mother being a constant power struggle. She would search my room, throw my masculine belongings away, and yell at me for my inability to be "normal". This generally led to me cussing her out, throwing stuff, and running away. As a result of feeling unloved, I developed some very maladaptive coping skills. By the time I was thirteen I was abusing prescription drugs, self-harming regularly as a way to show I hated my body and get a rise out of my mom, and trapped in a cycle of full-blown bulimia.
I wish I could say that things got better with time, but I'm still waiting for my happy ending. I got so sick of my mom's transphobia and emotionally abusive attitude that a year later I attempted suicide by overdosing on painkillers and ended up in on an adolescent psychiatric inpatient unit. I have been hospitalized thirteen times for suicide attempts, depression, psychosis, drug abuse, self harm, and malnourishment since then. My mother's attitude toward my gender identity has not improved at all. It's been nearly four years since I first came out and she has yet to accept it. I was released three days ago from my latest inpatient hospitalization. Before I was admitted I had detransitioned to appease my mother and while in the hospital I decided that it would be best for my mental health if I continued with my transition as a male. When I told her, my mom basically informed me that ->-bleeped-<-s are not welcome in her house. And then she kicked me out. I am currently living temporarily in a youth shelter that acknowledges my trans identity. It's not a perfect arrangement but it's something. I guess I'm just here for support and to find others who relate.
Wow guys sorry to write a novel I just have a lot to say I guess. Thanks for your time if you read this far
I'm looking forward to meeting you all.
--Haven G
