Poorly defined gender identity?

[Rose City Rose]

So I've managed to make it almost a year living full-time, I'm about 90% transitioned, and I've come to realize something about myself: all my life, I never really had a clear internal sense of being any particular gender.

It isn't that I'm agender or comfortable being anything or nothing; I find that when I express myself as a woman it feels right and good and that I'm getting more and more comfortable and at ease reinventing myself as an elegant middle-aged lady.  But it took me a long time to figure that out because I had such a poorly-defined gender schema that I never made the connection between being unhappy and being male until I was an adult.

Maybe it had something to do with not feeling like I was free to define myself.  It seems the adults in my life growing up were so concerned with telling me who I was and what I should be thinking that I didn't learn to say "no, that's not who I am" until I was well into my 20s.  It was just easier to go with the flow and (try to) accept myself as male for most of my life and I sort of built a false personality around what I thought employers, family, friends, and teachers wanted from me.

Even now, I feel like I have to get my bearings every now and again and remind myself how much better I'm doing as a woman, and how much my overall mental health has improved on estrogen, because the truth is I still have a hard time identifying as any gender internally.  It's almost like a dissonance or a disconnection, or as if the usual gender socializations that most people go through in their lives never quite gelled into a coherent gender schema for me.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[Ms Grace]

Great post. Yes I think I spent the last 20+ years trying to figure out how I could be comfortable living as a "man" all the while having pretty much no clue or real desire to do so.

[Steph34]

Maybe it had something to do with not feeling like I was free to define myself.  It seems the adults in my life growing up were so concerned with telling me who I was and what I should be thinking that I didn't learn to say "no, that's not who I am" until I was well into my 20s.  It was just easier to go with the flow and (try to) accept myself as male for most of my life and I sort of built a false personality around what I thought employers, family, friends, and teachers wanted from me.

I see where you are coming from. Although I never identified as male, always tried to suppress masculinity, and always wanted to be more effeminate, I nonetheless spent the last 23 years trying to cope with being male-bodied rather than change it, figuring that with my unfortunate chromosome, I could never be a woman anyway, and that I should settle for being an 'effeminate guy'. I saw female characteristics in myself and the male in the mirror as a 'monster' but had a hard time forming a coherent identity from that conflict. Indeed, transitioning did not even enter my mind until I was 22, and even then I dismissed myself as a 'hopeless lost cause' and went on pretending to be male. That defeatism led me to consider myself non-binary at times, and to (reluctantly) consider myself male at others, always hating it. I have often considered myself 'female at heart' throughout life, but the fact that most other people saw a boy/man in me made me feel like my feelings were not real. In the end, however, it was never rewarding or fulfilling to present myself as non-binary, and always mortifying to present as male. I spent far more time jealous of females than trying to be one. I felt like something was missing, and lived in terrible mental anguish and poor health. Part of the reason I was reluctant to transition was that I thought I was not feminine enough to live as a woman, and therefore was afraid to try. So while I have always tried to suppress masculinity and be more feminine, I was afraid to transition because I did not think I could ever be anything other than gender-queer. Now, I realize what a mistake I was making all along. The real reason I was 'not feminine enough' was hormonal imbalance, not because I really wanted to be neutral. When I am able to present myself as female, all of my mental and physical health ailments vanish, which makes sense because that is what I was at heart all along. Unfortunately, it was not until I suffered from severe hair loss that I finally accepted myself as female, and really more to save the rest of my hair more than anything else. I was still afraid of hormones and scared through the whole process. After all, if I did not think I could ever be fully female, would I even be happy trying? It was actually not until I started seeing feminization that I knew I was doing the right thing. I love the physical changes and stronger emotions, like I am finally alive now. Still, I am almost suicidal over the fact that I lost my college years (and hair) pretending to be non-binary and presenting as male to everyone around me. If I had taken the plunge at 22, I would have been beautiful. By waiting this long, being a 'hopeless lost cause' became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes I feel like life is not worth while, because I am ugly and nobody loves me. Nobody cares about my feelings, anyway. It could have been different, could have been...

My advice to anyone out there who feels the way I did, that they want to be female but think they can't, is to believe in yourself and your feminine potential. It is amazing what hormones can do. It seemed all too easy to say, "Maybe next year," all the while under assault from the inside. No one should have to live through that.

[suzifrommd]

This describes me exactly. I envy those women who say they "always knew" they were women. I can't imagine what that would feel like - "knowing" your gender and knowing that it's different from your body sex. Like you, living as a woman 100% of the time has worked out far better than living as a man. It feels more natural. But it is not accompanied by the internal sense of being a woman.

[Eva Marie]

This topic resonates with me. While I don't regret one minute of my transition because living as a female is far better than pretending to be a guy, inside I feel rather gender fluid. I didn't figure out until my early 40s that I am trans so I am a late bloomer. It would be nice to be firmly on one side of the gender divide but I guess it's not meant to be.

[Kaydee]

  But it took me a long time to figure that out because I had such a poorly-defined gender schema that I never made the connection between being unhappy and being male until I was an adult.

Maybe it had something to do with not feeling like I was free to define myself.  It seems the adults in my life growing up were so concerned with telling me who I was and what I should be thinking that I didn't learn to say "no, that's not who I am" until I was well into my 20s.  It was just easier to go with the flow and (try to) accept myself as male for most of my life and I sort of built a false personality around what I thought employers, family, friends, and teachers wanted from me.


Has anyone else experienced this?

Yes - this fits me.  It took me until I was 57 to figure out why I could never 'be myself.'

[translora]

This topic resonates with me because I've realized that I don't even know what the term "gender identity" means for me.

I don't think I have a female gender identity, at least in the way it is usually used -- that I'm somehow a "woman inside." And I've never felt at all like a "man inside." But most importantly, I can't even define what either of those phrases would mean. I just feel like me, and that there is some sort of mismatch between my inside and my outside, and that I'm hiding a big piece of myself from the world by living as -- that is, pretending to be -- a man.

So what I'm really dealing with is a strong sense that I would be able to meet the world more honestly and fully as a woman -- i.e. that I've always (to a certain extent) been meeting the world dishonestly as a man. And the decision about whether to transition is really about the degree to which I need to present as a woman in order to be a whole person in the world.

Of course, I know the answer, but life circumstances make transition a complicated proposition... Try explaining this concept to someone who has never experienced it -- like, say, a spouse. It sounds like just so much gobbledygook.

Lora

[Sunhawk]

I don't think I really identify with a definite gender role per se (more female than male though), but I did feel, from a young age, that my physical body did not match my body image, which is female. It was quite the journey going back and remembering all of those little things, and some big ones.

[JoanneB]

I never had a doubt I was not like other guys. And not just because I wished I was a girl most of my life. Yet there are plenty of "guy" things I enjoy. I can't help. Nature, Nurture, Cultural? Who knows? There are far less girl things I enjoy doing. There are far more now that I am Allowing myself to feel, to think, even believe I really really am a woman. Thoughts I spent a good 40-50 years hammering into submission. Sure I kind of sort of felt that way. But Really? Nah, not me. I'm just a CD++

What's the name of that river in Egypt?

[lindagrl]

i don´t know what the heck i am anymore, getting all confused and muddled.  Today for the first time in months i have been dressed as a man and at times
thinking like one.  It was either that or not being fit to do the things that needed doing today.  Have been on the verge of a nervous breakdown lately,
not handling things, feeling week and vulnerable, crying at the slightest thing, a pitiful sight really. BTW thanks for all support i have received here,
i am aware how tiresome i have been.
 
i had to get some spare parts for the car and wearing my bootcut 527 Levis blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt and black leather jacket off i went to the auto shop. 
Tried to walk in there manly like, but i was getting the same sort of half amused half confused looks i have become accustomed to. 
There was nobody in the shop and so my number came up straight away and of course it had to be the cute guy at the end of the counter who called my number. 
i recall staggering stiff legged toward the counter, while ferociously chewing nicotine gum and trying not to make too much eye contact with any of the staff.
Felt i looked like some camp version of the tin man of Oz, really not at ease at all and so to remedy that predicament i became chatty, reciting anecdotes in
my manliest voice in hopes of a laugh or two and they were laughing alright, but were nice also, just very amused.
After receiving the parts, i thought to myself and almost said it aloud oh eff it what´s the use, i may as well relax and i marched out of that shop in a straight line
hips a swaying and i think i even tossed my head back a bit as i went. Am back in my skirt, bra and top now, ahh that´s better, no wait it isn´t.
So how was your day?   

[Beth Andrea]

I have a hard enough time identifying as "human", but if I am to be human, I would be female.

And I don't know what one means when they identify as male or female "inside." I am "inside", it is the outside world which seems unreal.

[Allyda]

I'm one of those that has always known. From my first waking memories I've known I was all girl inside and out despite my malformed genitals. I was absolutely awful at pretending to be a guy for my maneurisms and the way I carry myself is and always has been feminine. It's just who I am, and tho sometimes I was able to hide it somehow I'd always slip up especially if things started happening too fast in a given situation not leaving me enough time to think to hold my facade, then a feminine wave or something would slip through. In any case now I'm finally free to be myself and it feels great, almost as if a set of chains were lifted from my shoulders. I wish it could be this simple for everyone, but alas I'm learning some of you have a really tough time with this. I can only wish y'all my best and offer my support and a shoulder if you need one.

Ally

[Steph34]

I have always felt like I was born in the wrong body, that I was 'mostly female' at heart. My deepest desire for 23+ years has been to be female, and that was evident in the way I tried (unsuccessfully) to prevent masculinization and look/act more feminine. Unfortunately, I felt I could not possess a female identity while trapped in a male body and tormented by male hormones. I had no idea what I was, really, and it weighed on me so heavily, I wanted to die. Transitioning is finally taking away my self-hate by enabling the 'real me' - the female self - to shine through.

There is the short version.