loosing grip

[Rachael]

tell me about it !

yeah i do carry a bag, fairly andro one but still i need the space! lol!
about the teeshirts: im curvey, i have stickey outy bits like boobs and hips, anything female cut accentuates them, so anything female looks obvious! ><

R

[Maebh]

Come on! Try pulling the other one 

... im curvey, i have stickey outy bits like boobs and hips,

Without hormones? 

anything female cut accentuates them, so anything female looks obvious!

So what's the problem?  I think a lot of MtF TGs would looove to look like that! 

LLL&R

Maebh

PS:  What does your navel look like? Just wondering with all the gazing...    but not to worry; eventually your bum might get too sore... >

[NicholeW.]

Hi, Rach.

This is not about how you look, or even how you dress is it? There is a little something else you are not able to place on these posts. Right?

Buffy and Regina may be headed in the right direction in saying it's about your own belief in yourself. As I recall, that is an enormous undertaking. All the physical and a lot of the mental work is accomplished, but there is that one final step and the transitioner is just petrified of facing it.

So regardless of how good and passing you look to us, your internal tape is still playing uncertainty: you wanna know exactly what everyone who comes into contact with you REALLY sees and thinks. Right?

It's a toughy to get through. But, plunging into the water or tiptoeing in an inch to check how cold it is are both pretty decent tactics. Truth is what Buffy said. Fear just has to be faced. However you feel is best for you to do so is the only way through this.

Try the short outings or just brashly start being Rachael. It matters not. I imagine when you do face it, you will find that the fear was not nearly as big and bad as it looked from where you are right now. That tends to be the way with fear: as you become intimate with it, you realize that it really isn't very well hung at all.   

HUGS,

Nichole

[Kate]

I was thinking something tonight, why not make this into a game?

Speaking from experience, it can lead to YOU not taking yourself seriously. It's STILL a form of hiding, not totally committing, being half-way. True, it works to get you out there, but it's also difficult to shake once you get used to that crutch.

I hid in androgyny for a long time. But things got to a point where I was being read as a female more often than a male (no matter what I wore), and it just became less awkward to go for it and hope I passed. I WANTED to go fulltime for months before that, but I was too scared to try it until HRT kinda forced my hand.

That's where my "I'm Kate regardless of what happens!" mantra got started. That's how I survive out there. Busted or not, I'm still Kate. Being read just means someone figured out I was born male... and that's all. It *doesn't* mean that I'm not a "real" woman. Yea, my chromosomes are xy (I think). So what?

People seem to reflect the attitude you bring with you. If you think it's a game, they will too. If you think it's embarassing, they will too. But if you just present yourself matter-of-fact, like it's no big deal, they won't think it's a big deal either.

From The Turning Tide:

Then I watched Brothers and Sisters the other night. They apparently had a scene where a gay couple was having dinner, and the one guy kissed the other in front of everyone. Afterwards, the kissed guy made it clear he didn't much like that, making up excuses like him not liking public displays of affection.

The kisser laughed, and told him something like, "Look, YOU have a problem with homophobia, as crazy as that sounds. I bet you're active in the community? I bet you're out to your family. I bet you're even out at work, and they all accept you, don't they? You're comfortable EVERYWHERE with all this... when it's safe... except you're not comfortable IN YOUR OWN SKIN. That's why you don't want to be seen in public as a gay man."

Ouch. I broke down, sobbing, that's just SO me. That's my story, how I've been hiding, scared, afraid to really, truly COMMIT to this.

So monday I said the heck with it. Enough. I just don't CARE anymore. We'd gone shopping saturday and bought tons of super-feminine things, so I threw together a nice outfit, said the heck with the neighbors, and went to work *undeniably* as Kate. No chance of "well, it MIGHT be a feminine male top" or any of that half-hiding nonsense. I parked in the most crowded part of the lot, next to another office. I made my rounds with everyone in the office. It was uneventful, but I didn't KNOW it would be. I proclaimed myself, shrugging with a "Whatever. This is me now" attitude.

The irony is, it was later that day when I dressed so frumpy, not caring about passing anymore... when I got that external validation, lol... and realized I HAVE been getting it all this time. Not that I pass all the time, but it's obviously happening SOME of the time. But I don't think it's going to be my life's goal so much anymore. Something in me has shifted, some tide has turned... and I can't wait to see where it's carrying me now.

~Kate~

[SarahFaceDoom]

A lot of women have these problems.  Do you have any girl friends you can discuss this with?  I know very few women who haven't had body image issues at some point in their lives.  Plus they might be able to help you as far as encouraging you, while at the same time make sure you're not trying anything that will just look wrong on you.

But I'm sure all you really need to do is shop around more for tops, and maybe some jeans and you'll be good.  I wear hoodies and jeans a lot too(though my apartment is cold), but I usually wear a nice t-shirt or tank top underneath, and most of my hoodies are zip up.  And I have like...no breasts, ha.  Which I think for you is some of the problem(you have breasts, but your as insecure having them as I am about not having them).

I would say you probably just need to talk it over with your friends.  That would be the cheapest, and possibly most effective thing for you.

[louise000]

Rachael, Lots of people on here have already told you this I'm sure but I've seen your photos and you look dead passable to me. OK you may not make the front page of Vogue, but neither will millions of women. Your looks are improving all the time - guess you're on HRT.
Listen, let me tell you, I'm much more scared than you to go out dressed as myself, when I do it's very low key, unisex almost apart from undies(!) and of course some light makeup, and it's invariably dark out. God knows why I do it! And daylight freaks me out!
But I know that if I looked as good as you I could do it.
Hope this helps,
Best wishes, Louise

[Berliegh]

tell me about it !

yeah i do carry a bag, fairly andro one but still i need the space! lol!
about the teeshirts: im curvey, i have stickey outy bits like boobs and hips, anything female cut accentuates them, so anything female looks obvious! ><

R

Rachael you confuse the hell out of me...........if it looks obviously female that's good isn't it or don't you want to transition? as this is where your coming from and the sound of the post above.....if you don't want to look female and you don't like your boobs showing....don't transition...

[Berliegh]

Not to speak for Rachael, but being insecure doesn't mean you don't want to transition. Remember, she hasn't even seen a therapist yet (no NHS tirades, please). What it also points up to me is that, so often on Internet sites, one encounters a lot of bravado about how female someone is, how well they pass, it's all amazing, yadda, yadda, and that has only a cursory connection to all the complexity of what's happening in the real world. We see each other with the names of our target gender, a photo (perhaps us, perhaps not... or if it is indeed us, then not always the most objective photo possible) and we connect to that image and persona and make a lot of assumptions about their lives based on that very limited exposure we have to them.

I just want to thank Rachael for being honest about all that's going on with her. Talking about what she's experiencing here is worth more than 10 threads going on and on about some gender theory. Good for her!

ciao,
Gina M.

All the therapists I saw were rubbish and lacked knowledge........you have to go out there and do it for yourself........I used to be like Rachael but you have to push yourself....no therapist or psychiatrist is going to do that for you...

[Berliegh]

I know you have a lot of bitterness toward the NHS and the professionals who were your 'gatekeepers.' I get that.

...Gatekeepers?.....time wasters...stalling patients for up to 10 years...more like.....I lost 7 years of my life wasted with those at CX GIC.....and now I'm pleased to say that they are currantly under investigation from the GMC and the department of health.

Since disgarding that part of the NHS I have been able to get on with my life and move forward with my transition and try and catch up on the lost time.....

A lot of people do not realise they are not needed and do not have any form of treatment program or timescale......I jumped through all their hoops.....complied with their protocols, RLT and the HBSOC.....they did not.....I strongly object to the word 'professionals' as it doesn't apply to them......a course at the 'Royal society of psychiatrists' does not make them an expert or a 'professional' in 'gender dysphoria'........they are just middle to old aged men who know nothing about what it's like to be female.......


 

[gothique11]

I Rachael. I know what you mean about how scary it is to go out. I've helped a few friends with this. As for my own experience, I guess I was a bit gustier than some. I just dived in, and found out that was the only way I could do it. I did the androgony thing for a bit, a month or so, but then just dived in. It went easier as time went on. Now I'm just over a year living full-time.

One thing that is important to do is to set up a net work of friends and supporters. That can help in times when things seem overwhelming. Also, knowing a girl or two who can help you shop and give you some direction is good. It takes time, but you'll get through it.

I know some people who tried to prepare up to the last minute, trying to get every detail before going full-time. Still, no matter how much you prepare or sit on that edge it doesn't replace what you learn and experience going full time in your correct gender. Go about it unapologetically, and never let fear control your destiny.

--natalie

[Kate]

never let fear control your destiny.

Except perhaps the fear of never getting to live your Truth

~Kate~

[Rachael]

thanks for the kind words everyone.
Gothique: well id say 70% of my friends are female, and about 90% of my close friends. The getting ready thing, i cant see being a problem. when im myself, im perfectly female in voice and manerisms and behaviour, its whats so confuseing, im so damn lucky, but i cant transfer this to courage enough to try to pass day to day, i desperately want to, but i desperately couldnt live with beeing a '->-bleeped-<-' or seen as such. it upsets me a lot. i dont know why im dithering such, it must seem nuts. and gina your right, a profile photo means nothing to irl.

R