[rambling musings] The loneliness of the Non-binary

[Asche]

We humans are social animals.  An ant who is separated from her fellows soon begins to wander around aimlessly and eventually curls up into a ball and dies.  So we, too, if isolated from others of our kind, feel the spirit and eventually life itself draining out of us.

Of course, we humans are more complex than ants, so who exactly is "our kind" doesn't have a simple answer.  We need other humans around us, but we also need humans who are enough like us that we can feel understood, ideally without having to explain ourselves.  Model railroaders feel the need to get together with other model railroaders who will appreciate their constructions and, more important, the desire to make them.  And it gets even more specific: N-guage modellers want to get together with other N-guage modellers; and N-guage modellers who model Rocky Mountain railroads want to meet up with other Rocky Mountain N-guage modellers.  Pretty soon, you have a culture, as the aspects that members of each group or subgroup have in common get amplified and the ones they don't atrophy.  And those whose passion no one shares?

So it is with respect to gender.  Most humans seem to be able to fit into the culture of their birth gender, and the sense of solidarity through the ways which they have in common outweighs the aspects of themselves that they neglect or suppress.  Some of us can't -- we call them transgender.

Each group has its subgroups, however.  Most of these transgender folks find that they can fit into the culture of the other gender tolerably enough and their "differences" are within the accepted variation.  To the extent they aren't accepted by those born to that gender because of how they were born, they still can have a parallel culture where they are.  They can enjoy that vital sense of community.

But some cannot.  Some of us fit too poorly into any of these camps to get that sense of community.  A common term for us is "non-binary."

It's important to note that "non-binary" doesn't describe what we are.  It describes what we aren't.  We may differ among ourselves as much as we do from the binary folks, or the cis folks.  One non-binary person can't expect another non-binary person to really understand who and what they are.  (If they're very lucky, they might find someone sort of similar to them.)  The most they can hope for is some appreciation for what it's like to be the only one of your kind.  (I wonder what it was like to be the very last passenger pigeon?  Especially if that last pigeon had lived for 70 years after the last of its fellows was gone.)  To have no one who can mentor you.  To have the advice that works for "everyone" else not work at all for you.  To have to make your own trail through the wilderness your entire life.  To be the weird person for whom it doesn't matter if they have a feather or an emblem of a snake on the left side of their hat, but a bird emblem on the left or any emblem on the right is impossible, and to not be able to explain why, even to themself.

We try to provide companionship and kindness for one another, but it's still a little like a bumblebee trying to befriend the isolated ant.  And that isolation itself changes who we are; and (other than possibly some sharpening of empathy) not for the better.

To those who have their own "crowd," we are the eternal outsiders and apparently unappreciative of The Good Things in Life.  We may seem like the person with a peanut allergy, who annoys everyone by asking that they not use anything that has even been in contact with a peanut to make the meal they've invited us to.  We may do and say things that make no sense to the more gender-typical folks.

We just don't fit.

[suzifrommd]

We just don't fit.

Maybe, but we're valuable human beings. We have the same love, wisdom, and support to give as anyone else. We're beautiful, interesting, sexy, and productive.

Anyone who can't see that, or who excludes us in spite of all that, is seriously missing out on a lot of wonderfulness.

[JulieBlair]

We humans are social animals.  An ant who is separated from her fellows soon begins to wander around aimlessly and eventually curls up into a ball and dies.  So we, too, if isolated from others of our kind, feel the spirit and eventually life itself draining out of us.

...

To those who have their own "crowd," we are the eternal outsiders and apparently unappreciative of The Good Things in Life.  We may seem like the person with a peanut allergy, who annoys everyone by asking that they not use anything that has even been in contact with a peanut to make the meal they've invited us to.  We may do and say things that make no sense to the more gender-typical folks.

We just don't fit.

"Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less."  - John Donne

For every person who feels alienated and alone I am the less.  We are all part of a great family - the family of humanity.  I do not need to understand to empathise, to love.  Acceptance and tolerance are my watchwords.

"Even a fool is thought to be wise when he remains silent; he is thought to be prudent when he keeps his mouth shut." - Proverbs

These are among my two favorite quotations in the English language.  This along with the Prayer of St Francis are the codices by which I try to live.

"...Grant that I may not so much seek
To be consoled . . . as to console
To be understood . . . as to understand,
To be loved . . . as to love.
For it is in giving, that we receive,
It is in pardoning, that we are pardoned ..."

This is the wisdom  of peace, this is the wisdom of support.  On this site there is an ear for every voice.  I do not need to bring my belief and proclivities to you for approval, nor do you need to bring yours to me.  I come here to listen, to learn, to accept, to grow.  The woman that I am has been shaped by the angst of hundreds.  You all have challenged me to become something much more than I was when I first arrived broken and afraid.  Asche, you are loved, your voice is important and cherished.  To be non-binary is to be fluid.  It offers to the more rigidly gender identified, when they listen a glimpse into ambiguity, and a view of the universe that is inclusive. 

Without you, Aisla, Suzi, and others I would be a shadow of who I am.  The non-binary have taught me to love.  The misfits have taught me to accept myself with all my failings and all my fears.  I no longer need to be here, but I choose to come because I need this forum and every forum I can find to become the person it is my destiny to be.  I have some knowledge, and if I may be so vain, some glimmerings of wisdom now and then.  But both come from this pilgrimage into myself; both come from the journey, the fellowship, the love that I have been given.  The path to authenticity has many turns and branches.  That it is a fractal is not a weakness, but is its power and strength.

Shalom on the eve of the harvest feast.

Julie

[Kendall]

alone in a small crowd.
unique, yes
social acceptance, maybe or not
together only in overall understanding
tolerance, hopefully
unity, doubtful