This roller coaster ride of questioning is taking me to weird places. I'm letting myself "be me," which is sort of a hard thing to do when you're unsure of who you are, but essentially these days I do what I feel like doing without giving too much care to what people are going to say. Probably done irreversible damage to my "reputation" by now, on campus at least. Oh well, I feel better about myself these days so all is good.
Pretty sure you guys don't care, but let me tell you about today anyways.
Today we had national day celebrations at uni. Over the last couple of days I've been thinking about dressing in traditional male clothing, which is something I've always wanted to do since high school but my friends never thought it was a good idea and so I never did (because I would've probably borrowed is from a friend's brother since I don't have any brothers to borrow clothes from). People here don't really ever cross dress, and traditional clothing is pretty much everyday clothing for us anyways, more so for females than males, but still. Mentioned this to a few of my friends who told me it was a horrible idea and that I'd be the subject of intense gossip on campus. Then today came and I still wanted to do it regardless. At this point I was feeling like ->-bleeped-<- because I felt like I really wanted to go dressed as a guy and if I couldn't do that then I wouldn't go at all. So I started asking people very shyly if they had stuff I could borrow - there aren't that many local guys here who I feel wouldn't judge (we make up around 30% of the student population and it's a pretty small university, so we all know each other).
Then one guy offers to give me one of his, and I couldn't wait to put it on. And so when I did I felt over the moon. Felt kind of anxious about going out dressed like this just because I wasn't sure of how people would react. But I went. Feeling great yet nervous. Some people walked past me and then doubled back when they realized it was me. Got lots of positive comments. Even passed as a guy to some people I hadn't met before. Wasn't really trying to pass but when my friend introduced me as her brother (as a joke) I went along with it and they totally fell for it. That was awesome. Got lots of death stares too. Pretty sure I'm already the subject of gossip anyways, so I figured how much more damage could I be doing to myself by presenting in this way. Pretty much spent the whole night just walking around aimlessly feeling very awesome and trying to make sure I run into every single person I know that was there. I was kind of hoping that when I'd walk back into my dorm the security would stop me, as my dorm building doesn't allow for males to enter, but I guess I don't pass all too well in front of security guards that see me walk in and out a million times a day. It just felt great.
And now I'm sitting here very tired and sleepy but refusing to get up and change out of this outfit so I can actually go to bed...
I knew I always wanted to do this, but I didn't know it would make me so happy.
