I decided to transition because living as a MAAB was finally too much for me. I had suppressed feelings of being a woman for far too long. Feelings I had known about since childhood. I had tried to deny myself of this by wrongly mentally reasoning I was a guy that liked to wear female clothes. Wearing the clothes kind of helped, but it didn't get away from the fact that I had masculinised so much and made me think that I'd never undo the changes to my body that made it so masculine. Looking in the mirror I only ever saw a man in a dress and that made me feel very dysphoric, angry and sad at myself. Thoughts of regret at never transitioning were constantly in my mind. I tried to block these out by distracting myself through alcohol and adult material. Neither of these options were a sensible solution, if anything I felt they were self destructive.
I never had much facial hair, but as I aged I noticed newer areas of my face started to grow more of it. That really depressed me. I still had my head of hair but I was starting to lose it at the corners of my forehead; unlike the rest of my male family members, who were practically bald in a few cases. So to have begun transitioning once I was bald also worried me. Oh and of course, I hated the thing behind my legs and it was a constant reminder of the cruel hand that life had dealt me.
Then of course there was society's expectations that I behave in the role given to me that I felt least comfortable in. There were low points in my life where I had felt suicidal and that dying would ease the suffering in my mind, but I wanted to give living a chance too.
When I first took my course of HRT it felt so right. I had no regrets as to what I was doing. Seeing the gradual feminising changes to my body have been some of the happiest moments in recent times of my life. If I had to give it all up now, I'd rather pull the plug on myself.
