Hi,
I have been lurking here for quite a while, and thought I should finally join the fold. I decided to stop fighting it in June, got tired of repeating the same relationship mistakes and expecting different results. I felt like I needed to evolve, integrate, and be completely myself and hopefully one day find love.
Lots of youtube, internet research, and a few before/afters from a few ladies here that I could relate to (A shout out to Michelle666) gave me enough courage to proceed. As I am older, 42 as of October, it has been hard finding enough examples to know what I could expect. I feel like I am in a minority, within a minority, within a minority, within a minority, within a minority. LGBT>Trans>Lesbian>Older>Goth-ish/Arsty/Weird. It's not easy signing up for the most misunderstood minority and giving up "male privilege".
In everyones stories I kept seeing a lot of similarities to my own, even things I have forgotten about. Cue swirly way-back transition...
I was always different about as far back as I could remember. I really really liked girls at a young age. Had my first crush in kindergarten. Was enthralled by Blondie on the Muppet Show. My first memory of dysphoria, and awkwardness, was when the neighbor kids brought to my attention that it was odd that I was playing with a Cabbage Patch doll. I was maybe 10. I never really identified with the boys, always felt like an alien trying to fit in. I was very blonde and got picked on a lot. Hung out with a tomboy and her younger brother.
In High School I hung out with a pack of younger girls and we would go out to clubs. Was hard to find girls that matched my type and I was rather shy and insecure. I used to joke that I was lesbian trapped in a mans body. Yeah, clueless, pre-internet. I was "Alternative" looking, longer on the top, shaved on the sides, funny that that is a lesbian thing now. I used to be a bit of an artist.
Worked on lowering my voice, got more masculine, grew pointy sideburns before anybody, and started getting more dates. Got into making "music" in a couple short lived "industrial" bands. In Seattle. During the height of the Grunge era. Yeah, no stranger to challenges. Kept thinking that everything would be ok If I just found the right woman.
The past twenty years I have pretty much not been single and have been in three long-term relationships trying to make it work. About 7 years ago I started questioning if I was trans. The woman I was with was bi, but she fell in love with me as a man, and was afraid I would want to become a woman. We went through a lot together, but it eventually deteriorated for other reasons. During this time I did art less and less.
Right at the end of the relationship I tried seeking help at a local counseling center, did my intake and then went on a date with a woman, that I eventually dated for three years, and thought I could keep fighting it. Eventually we broke up.
Here is were all the YouTube videos, transition timelines, and "oh, why I am so stupid to not see this earlier" moments, came in. My hair started threatening to start a new great recession, and going curly grey, so I felt it was now or never, and needed hormones stat.
I went back to the counseling center a few times, but by this point I had been working the problem in my head for a while that they pretty much just listened to me and agreed with me, that and I think they are interns there. I started growing out my hair, losing weight and lost twenty pounds, and then I found a doctor that does informed consent, she has been great.
Monday was my three month anniversary on hormones. And it's getting real, I am taking it day by day. I am in the gender limbo, melty face, please don't bump my chest stage, and dealing with that. Not feeling attractive. Weight loss made my nose look bigger. And I am worried I am too wide, at least my hips are on the wide side as well. Also, I am left handed, my index and ring finger are exactly the same length, and I can double cross my legs.
I have been feeling mostly quite upbeat so far, with a few short moments of WTFAID. I have been to the local support group a few times, but they are mostly younger people. I need to find a good the rapist / counselor. I worry about endangering my job, as I finally have a permanent well paying tech job. But I am going to try to keep it low key for as long as possible. It is what it is. Not out yet to anyone I know yet, waiting till it looks more plausible.
Two things I didn't see coming. The smells, wow, one day the odor on the bus was almost unbearable, and my body odor is so different I am afraid it is going to give me away. Also, I didn't think I could get any paler, I was wrong.
So yeah, trying to get back to being the person I was supposed to be. Fiddling with electronic music again, and plan to start working on art again. But mostly addicted to the timelines here and on ->-bleeped-<-. Thanks everyone for sharing!
<Insert appropriate name which I have yet to discover here>
