How did you come out to significant family (Wife, Parents, Kids etc)

[katrinaw]

Hi All,

The Topic started by  "Why are you or want or have to transition" by StephanieC... Thanks Stephanie  has inspired me, along with selfish reasons to ask and raise the topic. Please tell me to go and... if its too personal or painful... apologies in advance 

Background I have known that I should have been genetically a female from before 6 yo. So for whatever reasons at around 60yo now I am left with last gasp at becoming who I should always have been. So I have been married for over 40 years, got offspring and grandkids, brothers and relations in UK and Europe.

So I started HRT around 2002/2003 with the objective of coming out around 2005/2006 (time to get basic body changes on the go)... I did not come out as so many times before and as mentioned in Stephanie's topic and others, here I am wondering the least painful way of wrecking so many lives and possibly my own if it all backfires.

I am about to start gender counselling, facial hair removal and other things and above all ramp up my HRT doses etc..

So has the following happened:

1) Get caught cross-dressing and confess?
2) Come out at the right time with I am transitioning to a woman? Because etc...
3) Start taking a more than healthy interest in her clothing and shopping etc. and wait for the question?

I am sort of doing 3 now, and thinking 1 as a softer approach?

Strange thing is that in my "must not get caught out times" she has asked me whether I ever wanted to be a girl (probing?)... before my HRT days... I also gave a no! "'cause I did not want to break up the family" which is so much bigger and complex now!

So I thought I would ask the question, obviously since a lot of pain from many of you on the subject of transition and partners, but I think I am looking for general approaches.... Either way I know it will be painful and not a good ending... but!

Desperately seeking Katy...

L Katy

[ImagineKate]

1. Yes to mom. She was scared out of her mind. Not to my wife. She was pretty amazed at how well I was able to hide. She was doubly impressed how I would smuggle so many clothes in the house and keep it hidden, some in plain sight in the closet.

2. Is your option but there is no right time. I just told her. She's still getting over it and she may never fully accept and we may be heading for divorce but you gotta do it.

3. Subtle hints don't work. I tried.

My advice is to just tell her.

[katrinaw]

Thanks ImagineKate... yeah I am amazed that she has not found my stash...
Yes I know... won't be over Xmas tho... a friend has told me there are levels of hate for what I am about to do to her...

L Katy 

[Beth Andrea]

Told the ex in the same way I kept her up-to-date on all things therapy: sat her down in the bedroom (door shut), and told her we were exploring the possibility I was gay. She'd seen Oprah before, and knew how to take it and what it might mean...

Two weeks later I told her that I'm not gay, but I might be trans...she looked at me like I was crazy and said, "If you get tits we're through! Why can't you just be gay?!"

Her parents I just up and told them...they were pretty much stunned into silence, although the dad shook my hand and wished me well in a "Goodbye!" sort of way...I knew I'd never see them again.

My mom was furious at the the*apist for "making me" trans...but a week later she'd had time to look into it (and had watched the Dr Oz show on it) and has been 100% accepting since.

[Brenda E]

1) Get caught cross-dressing and confess?
2) Come out at the right time with I am transitioning to a woman? Because etc...
3) Start taking a more than healthy interest in her clothing and shopping etc. and wait for the question?

Katy, "last gasp" at 60?  If you're in reasonable shape and fairly healthy, there's no reason you can't give the 40 year olds a run for their money.  You can transition successfully at your age!

As to your coming out plans:

1.  Hmmm.  Depends on how your spouse is, and you know her far better than we do.  This would be by far the most shocking way to come out - not subtle at all.  I'd put it up there with being caught in flagrante delicto.  It's a rather indelicate way of forcing a conversation that you're going to have anyway.  Is your wife someone who would storm out of the house and never come back, or is she someone who would burst out laughing and then hug you and ask why you didn't tell her earlier?

2.  This is the best way.  Set aside an evening, nobody else around, and let her know what you're going through (and what you've been going through.)  I'd highly recommend a sincere letter that she can read in your presence - that's a great way of starting this conversation and making sure that you get across certain key points in black and white before they get lost in the subsequent confused rambling when questions start to fly.  Let her know that you've suffered through this for decades, that shame kept it hidden (as did the fact that you love her and didn't want to ever hurt her), but you simply can't keep this medical condition hidden anymore, etc.  Just the basics.

3.  This will make her wonder if you're gay.  You being trans won't even cross her mind.  It's also a slightly superficial way of sending the message that you're a woman; it'll give her the impression that you think it's all about dressing pretty and wearing makeup, when in reality it's so much deeper than that and it goes to your very core.

This is a woman who you've been with for the vast majority of your life.  After forty years of marriage (and congrats on that by the way!), you can clearly communicate with her very well and you know how to survive some huge life changes and hard times.  This is a strong marriage, and it sounds like it's important that you do everything you can to save it.  I'd strongly suggest coming out to her by letting her know what's going on in your head before she ever sees you looking feminine or acting in a feminine manner.  It's going to be a shock for her, but it can be eased by making it a shock that's one she can get used to over time, and I think that a letter followed by a conversation, then more conversations, is the easiest way to get your marriage past this massive hurdle.

Just my opinion - take it with a grain of salt, because there's a million ways to skin this particular cat and what works for some people doesn't work for others.

Wishing you the absolute best of luck!  It's probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do.

[stephaniec]

I'm glad to be inspiring

[TSJasmine]

Kind of glad I've never liked girls so I didn't have to deal with anything like that lol

IMO, getting caught cross dressing will be very odd. She might react more hysterical than if you just happened to bring it up in a calm manner. I don't know her personality though, so Idk...

As for the parent's, when I came out, I just told them. I would wear girls clothes & they'd be like "why do you have to wear girls clothes? Gay guys don't dress like girls" & I just responded, "because I'm not gay. I'm transgender & I feel like a girl & I'm going to be a real girl one day!" (aaaaaah... the ignorance of pre-pubescence....) . Yeah, my situation is way different than yours. I'd sayyyy, just tell them. That's what I would do. I've never been one to care too much what others have thought anyways.

[Jenna Marie]

I told my wife up front at what I thought would be a good time, and then we had a lot of conversations over the next few weeks.

I really don't recommend letting her "catch" you or "guess." Based on what my wife has said (she is part of a number of online groups for SOs) and what you can see in the SOs section on Susan's, wives who have to figure it out for themselves often feel betrayed and lied to. Sometimes they feel that way even when you do tell them, but at least then you're coming clean voluntarily.

Brace yourself, and remember that her first reaction probably won't be her final one - shock and possibly anger or fear may make her say things she'll regret, but give her time. These days about 50% of marriages survive, according to the latest major survey, so the odds are decent.

Good luck.

[Joanna Dark]

I didn't tell anybody anything, I removed in with my best friend, who is know my BF, but before that they knew something was going on, but didn't know for sure until they found a empty bottle of hormones I left in my old room. It's a complicted situation. Everyone else asked me, since I wasn't exactly masculine before and people were always saying stuff anyways, but I don't have any of the same friends and most of my friends are through my BF now and don't know.

[Iliana.Found]

1) Get caught cross-dressing and confess?
2) Come out at the right time with I am transitioning to a woman? Because etc...
3) Start taking a more than healthy interest in her clothing and shopping etc. and wait for the question?

I am always thinking about options 1 and 3 when I decide to come out. I love the sound of one because it will just happen and I wont have the anxiety building up and then I'd have to confess. The downside is she will be surprised and I don't think that is a surprise most people would like to walk into. 3 I already started this lol When we are malls or watching TV I  make sure to mention female clothing or makeup or there figures with enough interest, but not like I am interested in the actual woman wearing the clothes. I don't think she has caught on though. I am hoping all of this elevated interest in femininity will help soften the blow the day I come. Like she'll be like "Oh yeah I should've known...". Wishful thinking. But in reality I am going to sit down with her and just tell her straight and I feel you should do the same and just be straight with her Best of luck!!

-Iliana

[Luna Star]

Wrote a letters and let my parents+brother read theirs at a different time.

They were shocked, and my mom in denial.
but I got keypoints across and they are growing more accepting now.

Altho sometimes they slip up with a "joke" and that hurts bad.......

but what can you do?

[katrinaw]

Thanks for your thoughts and comments

L Katy

[Rachel]

Telling my wife (then at 20 years of marriage) was extremely difficult. I had to tell her face to face because hiding being trans* was killing me and I needed to developed my self agency. I came out to 10 or 12 people who I thought would be accepting or welcoming first.  This helped me to say the words and hear them and see their reactions. Some people are so cool and accepting and it really felt great.

My wife took it hard and for months would cry. I told here I am bi too but I could not tell her of my past. I reinforced I love her and that I have been faithful to her and intend to in the future. She is more accepting but in general does not want me to fully transition and I think we may separate if I fully transition. I do not think I can not fully transition. I guess when I accepted myself and started to heal from my self hate and feel awesome transitioning it is really not something up for negotiation.

My daughter is angry with me. She expresses anger with me being trans* every time there is opportunity.  She has only known since June.

My brother, sister and brother-in-law were very very welcoming. My brother and sister, it turns out are different entirely than I thought.

[big kim]

I didn't Mum guessed as by then I had long permed dyed red hair,manicured nails and very little facial hair.She told Dad and my sister.Everyone's reaction was the opposite of what I was expecting.My racist,homophobic mum was great,my laid back Dad was appalled(he came round a couple of years later) and my then religious sister was OK with it