This is going to get long so bear with me.
For a long time, I found myself in a constant state of bewilderment about my gender. I always liked girls and since I didn't come from a background that talked about trans* people, I assumed the conclusion was that I'm a lesbian and felt at peace with that. I became more in-tune with the struggles of women and the stark differences between cultural acceptance of gay men vs lesbian women among other things. I got involved with the gay/lesbian community, even paying (optional) dues so the meetings could occur since money was tight for the group. I eventually left that behind and just focused on personal stuff. I was still happy although I never went into a deep, intimate relationship with a woman. However, I felt like I should be "the man" in the relationship and this was a turn-off to many women I was attracted to and a turn-on to gay/bi-sexual men which made me run like my pants were on fire. I didn't want to attract men! So, since nothing seemed to work, I just stopped perusing relationships and turned down anyone who dared to ask me out. I was still attracted to women but just didn't feel like I was going to find "the one" and just quit trying to avoid heartache/misunderstandings.
With time though, I met my now-wife. She presented as male and never gave me any idea that she was actually trans (though she wasn't even out to herself yet). I was completely shell-shocked that I was attracted to a "man" which made me question my sexuality entirely but I loved her and we chased each other into a whirlwind romance. We married soon after meeting and eventually had 2 kids. I still felt confused though. Something wasn't right and it nagged me every now and then. Eventually, in Spring 2013, I told her I felt different and how I wished I was born different. In a surprising twist, she told me the same. We both struggled to cope with this but I tried my best to be supportive (letting her wear some of my female clothing so she could attempt to get her sizes) and she helped me buy my packer/binder to show her support. We said this wouldn't change things but if we feel like we're growing apart that we would make all attempts to fix things before divorce was on the table.
I told her that it would be expensive to have two people transitioning at the same time and since her dysphoria was "worse than mine" and she's older than me, we would start to save for her treatments/surgery first. I only asked that I could have my name changed before things got more serious (ie started HRT) and she was more than happy with that. We started to make plans, googled doctors/therapists, started evaluating the costs involved (OOP), looked into private insurance, and so on. We still haven't moved beyond that due to the lack of funds but I started to find my anxiety was crawling into my thoughts again. Like sludgehammer, it suddenly hit me and I had a full-scale panic attack. I have no problem with DW transitioning, if anything, it's making me antsy how little she's actually done to start the legal/medical process but I know this is her transition and she decides how to do it.
No, I'm upset about how little I'VE done. I literally start to hyperventilate that I may be stuck in this body for the next few years. My stomach starts knotting that I'm still not injecting T into my body so I can start the process. I've even dry-heaved because of all the womanly things I still deal with (having periods, boobs, and a vagina). I've never felt such a strong reaction before about my transgender-ism and frankly, it scares me. Even typing this is making me feel faint and clammy but I just can't stop thinking about it. I've tuned it out to an extent but it's still there and it won't go away just because I can keep my mind busy. I looked into support groups (there aren't any in my state), I've called my GP (who won't consider anything without therapy), I've called a few therapists (who charge more than I can feasibly afford), and have only this place to reach out now. I feel so out of control and though DW has told me that she'll do what she can to help, there's not much she can do. I'm not worried about self-harming or killing myself but it's really taking a toll on my health and mental well-being despite my best efforts.
So what do I do now? What CAN I do now? Even if I'm just getting hugs and "I relate" stories, I just needed to get this out there.
