Any advice for coming out to mom?

[stevie21]

So my mom's always been very loving and knows my nature probably better than just about anyone. She knows I've been depressed for a while and while I've never come out and said it I think she's sensed my feelings by saying things like "There's nothing you could ever do to make us love you any less," "I just want you to feel comfortable in your own skin," things like that.. lately my dysphorias been so bad all I can think about is how bad I want to change my life and all the trans feelings I've had growing up. I have trans-related dreams every night where I will be dressing in empty boutique stores and coming clean to strangers in my dreams over and over who help doll me up then I wake up and it all begins again. I've come out to a support group at a neighboring college and they've been great.. next step for me is finding a gender therapist. So just with all this on my mind constantly throughout my days I've really been wanting to tell my parents.. I'm 21 and it feels like I'm still barely in this window where if I can just get on hormones and start a regular exercise regiment I could hopefully pull off a decently femme body in a few years. I literally can't stop thinking about transgender issues and feelings all-day everyday, I see women and want to be like them sooo badly.. just being so tired of denying this in myself I want to take some steps to change my life. But I'm just so nervous and anxious.

I'm just wondering if anyone can share any advice and maybe success stories to help get my nerve up?

Thanks & much love 

[TerriT]

I posted my coming out thread a few months ago if you want to go back and read it all.

I too was terrified about coming out to my parents. Their reaction shocked me. Mostly that they felt terrible that I didn't trust them enough to say something earlier, when I was closer to your age. My Mom would say, "Why didn't you tell me when I asked about your shaved arms?" and things like that. She wanted to know and I hid it for as long as I could. I can't go back and change history. What you have to consider is that, sooner or later, it will be time to face your parents and tell them what your life is going to be. Research some coming out stories here and there are also some other resources for parents to help explain your situation. I guess, the only advice I can give, is to give them a chance and they might surprise you.

Oh, and don't do it at like Christmas dinner or anything crazy like that. Do it thoughtfully. Write a letter if you can't say it out loud.

[awilliams1701]

My parents accepted me, although its been hard on my mom but she seems to have gotten over it. I have a sister that accepted me, but 2 more that didn't. Basically they either will or won't accept you. Hiding in the closet only hurts you in the long run.

Coming out has been great for the most part. I regret that one of my sisters and I are no longer talking, but that was her choice not mine. It was going to happen no matter what I did or said. In the end she thinks that being a (unpaid) pastor's wife gives her the right to pass judgement on me. Ironically my grandma who was a pastor's wife is ok with it. My grandpa can't remember it long enough to really say much of anything about it.

Earlier on in my transition I met a trans girl and her bisexual girlfriend. The bi girlfriend told me that they told her mom while burying a sister. I'm not sure why they chose that moment, but her point was if you are doing anything remotely public they are going to find out anyway. Better to hear it from you and not someone else.

[May]

I just came out to my mom this morning. I called then cause I knew my dad was out deer hunting.  I wasn't sure if I could do it and almost chickened out again, but she started talking about plans for Christmas and told me that my grandparents had said that they would like to come up next weekend as we are going to my wife's familly for the holidays (I am from and live in the Midwest and my wife is from the southwest).  I finally had to tell her cause she needed to know what was happening.  As right now I'm not sure if my wife and kids will be coming back after Christmas.  It hurt a lot but she listened to me spill my guts out and she told me that I will always be there child and told me that God makes all of us different. That she will never deny me as there child no matter what happens. She also told me how proud she was for everything I accomplished and knows I will continue to do great things.  She also right away recognized that this is not a choice but a medical/mental issue which really surprised me. We talked about how my dad might take it and she reassured me he will still love me no matter what.  I'm not sure if she is going to tell him or I am, I told her I was ok either way.  She herself admitted that she doesn't understand it but that's ok.  Her biggest concern is for me and my Family as separation at this point seems like a matter of time.

Not sure if this helps but I guess I feel it was successful as all I was hoping for was acceptance and in turn I feel like I have love and support.

Good luck with everything,
May

[Steph34]

Well, if your mom loves you and knows you well already, then there is probably not too much to worry about. When I came out to my own mother this week, I slipped her a piece of paper at bedtime with "Transgender" written in large, pink letters, and said to not talk to anyone (including me) about it the rest of the night, to just think about it. It seems to have worked well for me, as my mother is trying to keep her negativity inside and tell me positive things, like there is no reason why I should need to suffer. My first therapist suggested the approach of keeping it simple at first, because anything after the word "Transgender" can become a blur to a parent in a coming-out letter. Definitely feel the waters before trying anything too deep. Caution never hurts, but please for your own future, get on HRT ASAP. I could have been so beautiful if I had started at your age; please do not let that opportunity slip away, as Testosterone poisoning only does more damage over time.