I have my appointment for HRT and primary care on Monday. As it draws closer I get more and more anxious, but I also feel down. Mostly I'm worried that they'll tell me something bad about my health and delay me for HRT. Yes, I know I should be patient but I've been trapped in this body for 30+ years and it's really killing me now.
I mean I know the dysphoria comes and goes but lately it is just overwhelming.
Today I have a ton of work to do, house repairs, etc but I just can't do anything. I'm not even dressed up femme now because I wear old clothes as I'm sanding drywall and other stuff that I will get dirty doing.
I talked to my therapist and she said I shouldn't have any problems, and I have been basically motivated to work out hard to get my health under control. I have lost weight and I am keeping the weight off. I feel more energy and I watch what I eat for the most part although admittedly I let myself go for the past couple of days (Thanksgiving, probably my last one presenting male, and possibly the last one together with my wife).
In particular the diabetes is worrying me and I am worried the endo will put my HRT on hold to get that under control first. In all honesty if I have to wait several months for HRT I do not know how I will keep it together. I am hoping I can keep it together. Thankfully I see my health improving as my blood pressure is now consistently under 120/80. I used to be as high as 170/140 a year ago.
Oh and my wife has basically started being all affectionate now. Last week she was talking divorce, now she is just talking...sex? Well we are having it and I must admit it I only do it because I love her, but I feel terrible doing it. Why? First of all it doesn't feel right anymore. I mean I am a woman and I'm doing this? Then when I start to become more feminine she will absolutely start to distance herself again and the cycle of accusations and emotions will come back. But the cool thing is yesterday we were out shopping and I asked if I could buy an outfit for myself. She didn't seem to mind, and we did pick up one for me. Also got a belt for my jeans but she pointed to the men's section... I said, "that's the men's belts. I have plenty of those."
Then there is my presentation and voice. I go out dressed androgynously (jeans and a top) and I actually get a few ma'ams and I get the impression that people are hesitant to gender me. Then I talk and I get "sir" almost instantly... That kills me for the day. I know I need to practice but I have the voice therapist appointment coming up. That's the other thing, it's all getting so darned expensive now! I mean I am able to pay the bills and all but the holidays are here and I would like to save some $ for future transition expenses and not waste it all now.
Oh and my family and friends. I can't take any pictures of myself and show them because I basically look like my avatar 24x7 now. They will know or at the very least they will ask. I have been avoiding them on Skype as well. I don't know if I'm ready to tell mom and dad yet. I guess I will have to soon. Work is already noticing and my boss's assistant commented on my skinny (women's) jeans and asked me if I was taking a selfie with them (I was holding up my iPhone to test wifi on a section of the floor so I could reposition the access point or adjust power.) I am out to a few coworkers and they know the truth but the people I work with can only guess.
Anyway it's been a ride here and I am hoping Monday goes well. Thanks for listening.
