TRIGGER WARNING: talk of depression, dysphoria, suicidal ideations, self harm urges, self hate for being trans.
I'm so sorry for posting this here, but other than my therapist i have no where else to go, to let it all out. I'm really sorry if this triggers anyone, its horrible so im warning you in advance.
I feel like sh*t. Even though i came out i feel like im doing something wrong, like i shouldnt be feeling this way. i feel like im disgusting, like what im doing is perverted and unnatural and sick, and i just dont want to fight with this anymore. I know these emotions will never go away because they have always been there. In choir when i would ditch the alto parts and sing with the guys, as a kid wanting to be able to pee standing up like my buddies, puberty hating the my "pecs" because they were too big. I feel like if i could just force myself to be a girl i could be okay with it, that if i focused on all the compliments on my beauty and femme features that it will make me comfortable with them. Buts thats just not true. I'ts never gonna happen. I'm always gonna feel this way, no relief.
I have a big history of suicidal ideations and almost attempts and I can feel those thoughts and feelings creeping back into my life.
I got a shot today to test for tuberculosis, and you cant have band-aids on them because it will mess up the test, so I got blood all over my jacket, and I was already having enough problems with feeling like I had to TW c*t END again, and I have all these coping skills, but they never worked for me, all that worked was relieving the stress that caused the feelings, but I cant get rid of this.
I have PTSD and it feels like my past is just following me. I thought I had left it behind but I keep having the nightmares again, and the flashbacks are coming back, and I ant spend one day without being reminded of one of the many traumas.
IM STILL A KID! This stiff is hard enough to handle for the grown ups....
along with my PTSD I have a personality/Dissociative disorder which causes me to have amneisac barriers between my personality parts in order to cope, and I thought they were gone, (they have been making only minimal appearances in the last six months) but now I have to stop myself from "switching" parts everyday and I cant do this for long, I know I cant!
Its just so hard to take this, I cant do this for long I know my limits and im reaching my breaking point. I hate going to the hospital I dont want to go back, and eventually there gonna stop taking me in, (been there 4 times in a little over a year) so honestly I feel like its not worth fighting anymore.
But im gonna try, until I cant try anymore.
~O
