For the last five years, I have been on a lonely road. I knew at the crossroads that if I take the untreaden path I have chosen, that it would be a difficult one. Traversing would not be an option, I had to walk the path least traveled, with little footsteps to follow in the high grass. Eventually it was the only path I could go. The others were a dead end, literally. While it may resulted in a gloomy future, at least that future involved not having to say goodbye to family and friends. They did not partake in my journey, and refused to fare me well.
And faring well isn't what I do... I have had my HRT, even SRS. To some, I am well on my way. But it sure doesn't feel that way. The net result of all of this, is that I still feel miserable at times. I should be happy, but losing my entire social network because it wouldn't support the new me, has almost undone it all. I even lost my job, and I am currently unemployed. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Transitioning alone was difficult for me. Lying in a hospital bed, all alone, not one visitor, an empty wall where there should be cards wishing you a good recovery. That hit me hard, to the core of my soul. Even when everyone who were around me, knew I would be in surgery. But it is fine. I won't be there for them, when the time comes. What you give, is what you eventually get, I guess. But I got nothing for giving everything in my whole life. I gave too much. Where's the karma? I guess karma doesn't exist. It is a fairytale, to make you feel good about something you cannot fix, hoping that some higher power will bring justice, which it never does. In my life people take, and leave.
Currently I am trying to begin my life, at 36. Not too young, not too old. But maybe that is the problem. It is an age, where any decision made will be permanent for the rest of your life. Cannot screw up, and cannot procrastinate. That scares me sometimes. I have to start a new life, and I don't even know how... I only know that it cannot continue the way it is. I can plough on, and weather the storm. But is that all I can get out of life? I see the struggles that lie ahead of me, things that I should not have to battle, but it is inevitable. This life consumes me so much, that I even cannot make new friends. I don't know how, and I am always afraid that people will use me, and toss me aside when I need help. Trusting people is something I cannot do... I've grown up in poverty, a broken family, alcoholics as parent, sexually abused as a child, molested, assaulted and even close to being murdered, and to top it off I am also a transwoman. Sometimes I do not know how I can cope anymore...
Today I found picture from when I was young. In the picture I am about 10 years old. In the picture I sit under a table. Alone, away from people. Family mocking me as they take the picture. I have been like this all my life. Somehow I cannot function in this society, and I always keep running into the same problems which are never being solved. I have attempted to take my life twice, both times failed. I am not willing to leave, but sometimes I just see no future at all. I don't know, I can manage another decade, maybe two or even three. Who knows what will become... but I sure as hell need to find some more reasons, because I am being stripped of them as time goes on.
