As the title says, I'm now half-way out to my parents. I'm feeling pretty annoyed with myself about this at the moment, so I thought I'd vent on here. It's easier than writing in my journal because I type faster than I write. Maybe I'm also hoping someone will say something supportive...
Anyway, I talked to my Mom late on Christmas day. Aside from scaring her into thinking I was about to tell her something awful at first and having to coax her back into the room, it was absolutely perfect. She said all the right things, she is happy with whatever makes me happy, etc. She even told me that she is happy to have a daughter, which was really nice to hear. I told her that, although I'm keeping information under tight control right now, she should talk to her husband (my stepfather) if she wanted to. She did, and he was of course cool about it. There's no surprise there (and, in fact, he hasn't even said anything to me about it, but nothing has changed in our interactions and that says it all).
The problem is talking to my father. I'm not actually scared about his reaction, though I don't know exactly what it will be at first. In the end, I am 100% sure he will be understanding and supportive. We have a good relationship, which is close but in a funny way. It's hard to describe, but I think maybe it's close but not especially emotional, at least not outwardly. Anyway, I know him well, and I know that he is supportive of other members of the family who are gay, was disappointed and angry that HIS father was not, and has always been supportive of my siblings and I through some rough stuff. So logically, there's nothing to worry about. I can't picture any future other than I'm out and he's ok.
But I still can't bring myself to do it. My family (wife & kids) were at his place today and I had a few good opportunities when the house was quiet with everyone off doing their own thing. I just could not bring myself to go have the conversation. I'm feeling frustrated with myself because I really don't understand why I couldn't do it.
When I thought about going to do it, all sorts of doubts came to mind. The strongest one is this feeling something like, "Why do I even need to tell him this?" Somehow the idea of telling him about my gender identity feels silly and irrelevant, even though I know it's not. But I think I get an image in my head of his being dismissive or something, I can't explain it very well. So I don't feel afraid exactly, but somehow maybe I just feel like I'm not worth it. It's weird, because I don't feel that except in this context.
So, anyway, I'm feeling a big flumping blahh right now. I'd hoped to get this over with this weekend, but it's not going to happen. I'll have another chance or two in a few days though, so I've got to get this figured out enough to get it over with and move on.
