What were some of the things your parents asked you when you came out?

[wolfxheart]

Did they want to know what surgeries you wanted and stuff? I have an anxiety disorder and I hate confrontation, so I'm planning to write my mom a letter. I'm getting a book also so I can annotate it and give it to her. But I'm not sure how much I should tell her initially? Should I inform her of my eventual body plans or just wait for her to ask? I'm not anticipating her being very supportive - I don't think she'll kick me out, but she won't like it.

[Jo-is-amazing]

They didn't ask me too much at the start
But as I get further along they ask so many questions
Mum can't believe I don't want a boob job and that I want GRS. It's weird we argue about that, but actually she's really sweet about it all

I recommend using a letter

[Ms Grace]

I can't remember them asking all that many questions, I think they were a bit too shocked to fully process it at the time. My mother did ask if anything she may have taken during pregnancy might have caused this - to be honest I don't know and the answer might very well be yes but I told her no anyway because I didn't want her to feel it was her fault I am trans.

I was actually days from transitioning to full time so I had already sorted out things with my work and friends and that was all good. I basically told them that I had been very unhappy for a long time, that I had gender dysphoria and was transgender, that I had been on HRT for nine months and that was going well, that my intention was to transition and live as a woman, decisions about surgery were at least a year away and I would decide then, that I was much happier now and by the way here are some awesome pictures of me in girl mode.

I think many parents just want the best for their child, that if you can show them this isn't something you decided last week and you understand the implications of transition and taking hormones and know how to go about it then they might feel a bit less inclined to reject what you have to say out of hand. Many parents but not all.

A lot of it is about tactics. You don't have to play all your cards at once. Do you have a sense of what your mother knows and thinks of transgender people? Might be good to figure that out. Have you seen a counsellor or are you hoping she will get you to see one? Maybe just tell her you are depressed and need to talk to someone professional first.

Many people use letters. I went for face to face, both parents at the same time. I was petrified but also weirdly zen. I burst into tears as soon as I started telling them, personally I think that helped my case.

[itsxandrea]

For me ... transition was fairly easy because I came out as "gay" (even though I wasn't really) at 13. Coming out early had its benefits because I pretty much got the majority of the initial shock and rejection over with by age 15 and I didn't have to worry about openly liking boys and for any feminine behavior or wearing makeup, because they anticipated it. Coming out at age 27 as transgender ... well, that wasn't AS easy, but not as horrible as I thought.

Back story: From age 17 to 27, I lived on my own --- went to college, got a good job, moved far away from my hometown. I eventually realized I was transgender around age 20 and slowly transitioned. From age 25-27, I didn't see my parents at all. It was a time when I wanted to discover myself, dress, go to therapy and find out who I was. And the process went quickly ... by age 27, I was on HRT. At that time, against the advice of my therapist to write a letter --- I simply called my mom and told her on the phone.

... She wasn't surprised. She wasn't happy --- but she didn't flip out. I think the first thing she asked me was: "are you sure you're transgender? are you sure you aren't gay?". And then she blamed me living in the city, my gay friends ... and blah, blah, blah. I think she went into denial, sort of like my parents did when I came out as gay at first.

Eventually, when they came around, the questions were...

- Are you doing this for attention?
- What have you changed? (aka, do you still have a penis... are you still a "boy"?)
- Have you seen a therapist?
- Who showed you how to do this (again, blaming the city I lived in / my friends)
- Are you a hooker?
- Are you healthy and safe?

LOL ... yeah. But really, after again, about a year of them digesting it, they are 100% okay with things. They use the right pronouns --- respect what I have to say and welcome me with open arms. I definitely got lucky with having accepting parents ... but even with accepting parents it can be a rollercoaster. There is always going to be a period where they don't accept it and try to change you ... you just have to make sure you have made the right choice and stick up for yourself.

So, good luck. And if you don't know what method to deliver the message --- I would say choosing the letter. I personally didn't pick that method because I couldn't stand the anticipation of it being mailed... waiting for it to be delivered ... when they'd open it ... what they'd think ... if they weren't calling me because they were upset / if they haven't gotten it yet ... etc., etc. I just wanted to know immediately

Let us know how it goes !

[Julia-Madrid]

Deciding to transition is a huge step, and any caring parent is likely to want to know that you've thought about it carefully, evaluated the risks, considered your future and so on.  Psychologists, too, are very much more comfortable with a patient who arrives with a realistic plan.

Writing a letter to your parents has a twofold benefit, and for you, a third, since you are not comfortable with confrontation:  it allows you to present them with a complete story, and, equally as important, it allows you to clarify your thoughts and state your plans.  If you have your transition goals clear in your mind, state them as your goals.  If not, state what is possible, and that you will find your way as you advance.

Although you have not asked about this, here are key parts to the message, either spoken or written:

• The past:  when did you realise; how you coped; the effect it's had on you; things they might have noticed over the years
• The present: what lead you to your decision; what you've done about it recently; how you feel about it
• The future: what you need to do next, plans for transformation, surgeries; plans for education and jobs
• General Q&A: anticipate other questions, like how you might look and sound, job security, education security etc.

As a final comment, most of us have some intuition of how our parents will react.  Mine were indignant.  Not because I wanted to transition, but because I brought them into my plans so late.  Make your parents part of your journey rather than mere passengers.

Hope this helps
Good luck
Julia

[Lost in L]

I think Julia-Madrid summed it up pretty well. that's close to what i did. wrote a letter talked it over with my therapist then went and talked to her.

Besides not immediately knowing what transgender meant... she asked what clothing of hers i liked, how she should refer to me, and have i thought about a new name... I think its going to depend on how your parents are going to react.

one other thing i also did was i didn't say this is one hundred percent the thing, more i think this is it and I'm going to find out through therapy, contemplation, and support.

[wolfxheart]

Ms. Grace -

Yeah, my mom probably will be too. She doesn't really understand what being transgender means, which is why I want to give her a book too, but I suppose if you don't even understand it's hard to have questions? And oh yeah, I'm being super careful to not expose my mom to any "you might be trans because you had an absent father figure" bull->-bleeped-<-, she doesn't need to feel that blame and it's pretty irrelevant now.

So that's not a horrible thing to do? I feel so bad telling my mom more towards last, but I know she's going to react at least not wonderfully, and I want to tell my sisters first. My close, also-queer friends know, but my cis/hetero not-as-close friends don't, and I don't have a job so that's not a huge issue currently. I've also heard a lot of people mention telling parents after starting HRT, but I'm still living at home so I think that would be hard.

Yeah, definitely. I actually have pictures of myself when I was 14 trying to bind with ACE bandages, which I know now is super dangerous, but if that could get the point across, that's definitely useful, as I'm now 18 and the feelings are all still there.

Sort of. One of my friends is trans and came out while we were friends, and I told my mom to stop calling him his birth name, and she's had no respect for that, but also didn't say he was an abomination or anything, so I guess it could be worse...? And I do see a therapist for my depression quite infrequently - I've gone twice, but my mom doesn't like me to go because she thinks I have no reason to be depressed. But I would like to bring it up with my therapist if I go again. Fortunately, around where I live, there are informed consent clinics and I don't need a therapist's consent to start testosterone, but it would probably make my mom feel better if there was some professional weigh in. My mom also thinks I'm depressed because she thinks I'm a lesbian, so maybe she would be more inclined to believe my gender identity is actually what's been eating me up?

I'll probably tell my dad face to face. He's more liberal, and I don't live with him so I feel more like I can run away when it's over, but yeah, I'm sure there will be tears. Suppose that makes it seem more genuine?

itsxandrea - Sometimes I wonder if that's how it'll be for me.  Although I haven't come out as a lesbian or anything, cause I'm not, I think my mom assumes I am, because shes asked me over and over and over again.  Also not sure if that'll ease her worries I'm doing it for attention or what.  I'm also coming out while still living at home, so she'll know I haven't started HRT or had surgeries or anything.  But thank you for telling me those things so I can try and answer before she asks! 

And since I'm at home, writing a letter would more be a way to get my feelings out - I'd probably leave it on the table before I went to class in the morning or something, rather than mailing, because yeah, I'm not sure I could stand that.  I had a friend who did that, and zir parents just kinda...ignored zir until ze brought it up over the phone.

Julia-Madrid -

Okay, yeah, that was my plan (laying everything out, that is), because I honestly do know exactly what I want to do - hormones, top surgery, no bottom surgery.  But ohhhh, somehow explaining past things to her wasn't even an idea I'd had yet, thank you so much, I will definitely include those things.  I'm not telling them too soon - going to wait until I graduate from high school, probably, just so I can feel like I have that out of the way, and I'll have the whole summer to deal with her reaction, good or bad, but I hope she won't be too upset I waited to tell her, since I've only just barely turned 18.

Lost in L: I hope she's cool about things.  She misgenders my trans friend, but I mean, I'm her child.  So maybe that'll make it different.  I'm also hoping that liking my name might help.  I was having so much trouble in terms of deciding with names, and the other day we were just discussing names and such because I had been learning about name meanings in class, and she said that she'd always wanted to have a kid named Elton, and I just fell in love.

Also, side note for everyone:I suppose I can also judge how I should go about telling her once I tell my sisters also, and seeing what they want to know...?  Did you guys tell your parents first, last, in the middle?  How were your siblings?