I wondered a lot of times how my life would have been if I had been born cis. So many things were affected by my trans issues, and those issues were not the only issues I had to deal with. It is really hard to guess what would have happened.
Usually I end up thinking that my life probably would have been easier, but that person would be so much different than me now.
I probably wouldn't have been an outcast as much as I was this way and that alone would change a lot of things. Being an outsider gave me a unique perspective, I could see people and society from an angle most people don't. What I saw wasn't pretty, but I learned a lot.
I can imagine that I wouldn't be so reserved and probably I would have indulged myself in alcohol and other bad habits at an early age, following the trends set by my classmates in primary and secondary school. It is very likely that I would be more shallow and more willing to follow the crowd.
Probably the number of days taken by the depression would have been far less, and I could have been more productive. Or not... I immersed myself in activities that required a lot of thinking, creativity, concentration and hard work and I used these as distractions. Really learned a lot in this time, but I was mostly alone. People only talked to me because I knew something they didn't, they needed my services or something else I had.
Fear paralyzed me for so much time I could not do the necessary things to move forward in life.
People tell me I have talent for this and that, but to this day I can't realize my full potential and I'm constantly thinking that I could have done so much more if I wouldn't have missed so many opportunities in my life.
I'm still working on solving things that most people my age had solved years ago.
On a more positive note I believe I can use all the experience and knowledge I gained to be more than I could have ever been if I had been born cis, I just have to learn to be brave.
