I had another epiphany and the past two weeks' worth of agony has settled down as a result. It feels so huge.
I thought I was pansexual. I'm not. I'm totally gay, a bona fide flaming homosexual, and probably just panromantic.
I thought going on T might alter my sexual preference a little bit, and cause me to gravitate toward women. I'm still pre-T, but do you remember when I said that realizing I'm a man totally shifted my mindset? One of the things that happened was that my asexual tendencies subsided, and I had sex on my mind pretty much all the time. It was like I opened up a treasure chest that had been locked deep inside.
I've always known that I prefer men, but I started to notice just HOW MUCH I really liked penises and desired men in general. I also noticed, while looking up images for piercings, that I'm really, REALLY unattracted to women's vulvae, and don't know how I could have a relationship with a woman unless it were a celibate/sexless one. (Weirdly, I'm perfectly ok with my own anatomy, no bottom dysphoria whatsoever.)
It finally hit me when I found myself admitting in a conversation that, of the few men I've actually been interested in dating (and marrying), all of them have been effeminate, most of them having been mistaken as gay themselves. As my mind began to run away with this, I realized that as a man, I fit the stereotype of a flamer fairly well. Everyone's unique, but I LOVE men's fashion, and I do the limp-wrist thing, to name a couple :/
Then I looked up gay goth guys online and started to cry, but for once, they were tears of relief instead of crisis. One of them in particular was like a clone of myself.
I found my answer. It was right in front of my face the whole time and I didn't know. But now I know, and once again, my mind is at peace as far as my identity goes. But how will I feel about it next week, or next month? Will it seem like a fantasized version of myself? Will the doubts creep back? Will I look back on this day and go, how on earth did that ever feel so right?
This is also quite the marriage-killer, since no amount of counseling can make a marriage between a straight man and a gay one work out. As much as I love my husband (and I will always love him in some form or another), it pains me to even think about staying when I now know there's a whole wide community of...men I might actually be attracted to (after a lifetime of having little to no sexual desire), and who might also love ME, the whole package, manself included, not just the feminine side.
I just thought I would update you all on my situation, since I like this place so much. Whew...it's still heavy on my mind, even though it probably looks like no big deal on the computer screen.
