Sort of an update/reflection on recent events.
For the first time my father said that he believes that me being transsexual is true, as opposed to him stating that I am merely 'confused'. He also believes that the wisest choice would be for me to continue living as I have been: male in dress and expression, but within a female body. He has all the concerns a parent would be expected to have (future social relations, ability to hold down a job and not be seen as a 'freak,' medical risk), which in some way I appreciate... But it's made me do a double-take on my own decisions. The social issues I can deal with, but what testosterone might do to my heart (which carries a history of heart attack, stroke, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol from multiple close family members) frightens me.
So I start to think... maybe I can stifle myself down again, because I've been able to do it before. It's not the best decision mentally or emotionally, but logically it makes sense not to mess with one's body (which is is my dad's reasoning, who really doesn't put much stock in emotions). So here I am looking up medication to suppress certain events that send me crashing back to unpleasant reality on a monthly basis. And here's the funny thing: the active ingredient in this stuff (some form of the dreaded estrogen) also puts one at greater risk for stroke and heart attack--and I find myself really not caring, because (even though it might help me cope) I know what body I will be in if I am taking it. It's only once I picture myself after testosterone has run its course, and imagine this ridiculous anxiety at least alleviated, that I begin to care about my continued health. Funny that the thing that may help me find a bit of peace could also be what takes it away prematurely. *Shrug* kinda morbid thoughts from a not-so-great place right now. I'm trying to get in touch with a medical professional who's experienced with FTMs, and who might be able to answer some questions with specific regard to my family's medical history.
Thanks for listenin'
