Rough patch with Spouse and daughters

[JenniR04]

I've really run into a rough patch the last couple of days. A little background: I'm a 43 year married MtF with two tween-age daughters. I am in the very early stages (somewhat) of coming out and transitioning. My wife is completely against me transitioning and has influenced my daughters enough that they are currently siding with her view points. It's been extremely.

I said I am in the early stages of coming out/transitioning only because this really started some 12/13 years ago with a lot of self denial and covering up on my part. My wife a couple into these early years that I had gender conflict ion issues, but I strongly denied them and said a lot of thing like I could stop, I will stop, and I even tried on many occasions. It's probably what's kept our relationship together this long. As long as it was outta site, it was outta her mind mostly. She would occasionally make the "gay" reference, or gender slur, or name calling .... And the fights would get rough but would pass.

Things changed three weeks ago. We got into huge blow up fight over my gender questioning as I came out to her completely admitted that I was transgender and that I was going to start seeing a therapist again after along break, and that I needed to start making some gender related changes. This did not go over well at all with her and she brought my daughters immediately into the middle of the fight, and the name calling, and gender bashing, and more. We've hardly spoken since, with the exception of a couple heated exchanges, which I tried to avoid.

I am moving forward regardless of the consequences of losing my wife and daughters. She's threatened to publicly out me thru social media and to our community in which I coach one of my daughters soccer teams, to my work and more. I'm out to my family and they are supportive, which inferiorities her to no end. She's big on education and learning, yet she won't do any research or see her own therapist to debunk her beliefs -she thinks being transgender is a "choice" and not an affliction that we are born with, some how we have a choice in deciding this path for our lives.

My wife's has been telling me that I made a choice when my daughters were born to be their father and that I must wait until they are thru high school before proceeding, if not I should move away out of the state so I don't embarrass my kids and the family as they finish out middle and high school. The negative effects on their friends and the harassment they'll get in school. I've tried telling her that it's all how we handle it in our family and present it to the rest of the world, but she won't have anything to do with it. Nothing in our house or around the kids is her statement.

We have concluded early today that we will be getting divorced, just a matter of when and no longer if. I actually hopes it sooner rather than dragging it out, at least I won't have to justify myself to her any longer. She's very abusive thru her language and drags me down, beats me down. I'm so tired of it all, I just want it to be over, so I can move on. With my daughters being on her side too, it makes it even worse. I her small comments from them too - which I understand, they want their dad to remain as a male figure, but the dysphoria is just to much to remain as is any longer and I've tried to explain that to them ...... it's so hard for cisgender people to understand.

I'm in tears right now and just needed to vent. Sorry for being so long.

[Rachel]

Hugs Jenni,

I came out to my wife February 16 or 17, 2013. My wife and I had a very rough time. She outed me to my daughter in June this year (she was 16) because I was in the Pride parade. My wife and daughter gang up and are very unsupportive and use slurs. My wife is a social worker and there is a trans day treatment program at her work. My wife and daughter are ultra liberal ( I am liberal too) and not religious.

I gave my wife 5 choices, stay married, divorce, separate, live as friends or have an open marriage. She chose for us to remain married provided I did not have procedures or express outside the house. When she said she would divorce me I said I would not contest. When she said she would ruin me financially I said I know and it is not about money. It would be her choice to divorce. I just want her to love me.  I also told her I would help her financially above and beyond any divorce agreement. We are still married.

I am making a timeline and getting the information and requirements for procedures through work benefits.  So am I the one pushing the issue. Well yes but we all have choices. I can not get the trans* thoughts out of my mind. I have forgiven all those for physical, mental and sexual abuse growing up. I apologized to my wife and daughter. The only person I have not forgiven is myself. When I was remembering back when I would cry in my bed when I was very young. I promised myself I would be a girl some day. I prayed and begged god for me to be a girl. In my day dream I went to that child and hugged her and asked for forgiveness and she said when am I going to be a girl.

Some day when I am true to myself I will revisit that little girl again and ask for forgiveness. 

You need to do what inside you know is right, whatever that is.

[JenniR04]

Thank you Cynthia, very kind words and thank you also for sharing your story.

I doing what feels right to me, as hard and as selfish as it may appear to my and anyone else, it's all I have left is to be true to my inner self and feelings. If I don't, I hate to even think about the alternatives, not necessarily anything as severe as suicide or death, but them emotional repression, the depression, the overall bad attitude that would ensue would be very difficult to live with.

I'm at a point where I must move forward, the inner girl and the dysphoria are telling me it's the right time.

[Vicky Mitchell]

I know the feeling I just came out this week to my wife.   Today she e-mailed me.  She is over the shock but she is not happy about it.   She gave me a list of rules.  Some of them I can deal with but some of the things she ask of me will once again be denying the voice that is crying out to be free inside of me.   I do love her with all my heart and as I love my son who is 6.  And I told her I always will.   I have no plans on leaving her.  But I worry that this may be too much for her to handle. I feel sorry that I have dropped this bomb on her but the weight I have carried all of my life of denying and hiding my feelings.  I could do no more.  Here is hoping the best to us all as we make our ways though this rough time of life. 

[Cindy]

I am sorry to say that over the years I have been here that this is a scenario that I read so often.

I will, if I may, offer some advice. It may not be welcome but it is an observation that I have made.

Some relationships survive, very few. The 'I'll accept you if you don't go too far' comments are usually failures. By coming out you have caused a rift that is seldom repaired. Your wives carry their hurt, and it doesn't go away.

You also have to be extremely careful for yourself. You have come out. A massive personal undertaking that will stay with you - and one that will prey on you. You may try to repress those feelings, but be careful; those feelings will, do and shall continue to return.

Finally a very hard bit. So many women in this situation do divorce, and with some 'desire' to do the 'right' thing don't contest the divorce and lay down and give up. You feel that you are 'guilty' and hence give money, houses, child access away in a hair-shirt response; this will not alleviate the feelings of guilt, nor make the path easier for the family. Instead often makes you appear weak and passive to your partner who then decides to extract more and more. Usually with the help of a lawyer who advises your partner to screw you while you are down.

This does not help you or your family. You need the finances for your needs. You deserve a fair share. Don't let your guilt feelings take over from your sense.

That will not help anyone.

That said, my love to you all

Cindy

[katrinaw]

I am sorry to say that over the years I have been here that this is a scenario that I read so often.

I will, if I may, offer some advice. It may not be welcome but it is an observation that I have made.

Some relationships survive, very few. The 'I'll accept you if you don't go too far' comments are usually failures. By coming out you have caused a rift that is seldom repaired. Your wives carry their hurt, and it doesn't go away.

You also have to be extremely careful for yourself. You have come out. A massive personal undertaking that will stay with you - and one that will prey on you. You may try to repress those feelings, but be careful; those feelings will, do and shall continue to return.

Finally a very hard bit. So many women in this situation do divorce, and with some 'desire' to do the 'right' thing don't contest the divorce and lay down and give up. You feel that you are 'guilty' and hence give money, houses, child access away in a hair-shirt response; this will not alleviate the feelings of guilt, nor make the path easier for the family. Instead often makes you appear weak and passive to your partner who then decides to extract more and more. Usually with the help of a lawyer who advises your partner to screw you while you are down.

This does not help you or your family. You need the finances for your needs. You deserve a fair share. Don't let your guilt feelings take over from your sense.

That will not help anyone.

That said, my love to you all

Cindy

Hmm I have been "forewarned"... but more than aware of what will happen...

So build a close circle of friends, that will, hopefully, stand by you...
The guilt thing is a difficult one to get over... maybe its Divorce first, then transition???

Been thinking this over for years, even tho I am so moved to following through this time... I am still working out the best way... which of course loses more valuable true life time???

L Katy

[jennyfer]

I would just like to add my two cents about a threat to ruin you financially. There is a point when you may need the advice and protection of a competent family law attorney, who can help shield you from vindictiveness, compounded by your own guilt and possibly a willingness to accept unwarranted punishment and to compromise your own interests.  You deserve respect and fair treatment, and I would hope a good attorney could support and protect you.  Good luck to you; you are behaving honestly and with sensitivity to the perspective of others.  You deserve understanding, respect, and fair treatment in return.

[JoanneB]

As a 6 year survivor of dropping the T-Bomb, a lifetime observer of people, and person that gets paid well to what-if things to death I'll add in just a bit more to Cindy's list.

We keep this deep dark secret totally bottled up for most to all of our life. Eventually the point comes we are about to explode over it, or, our life exploded once again because of it. We take that first most terrifying step of actually saying the words to another person, a person you love, a person you trust, a person you want to continue sharing the rest of your life with, that you are trans. The first 30 milli-seconds afterwards last an eternity as you wait.... No lightning bolt? The Earth didn't swallow me up? No micro-meteorite crushing my cranium? Wow! That went easier then I thought.

Three days later it's 'Damn the torpedoes and full speed ahead'.

Full speed being a relative term, relative to how well, or not well your SO is taking the shock. Absolute to reality since many aspects of transition just plain take time to get the best long term outcome (unless the alternative outcome is waking up on the wrong side of the dirt). Taking precious money away from other family resources is yet another whole level or two or three of escalation. You have a partnership. You have needs, she has needs the 'Us' has needs. Needs being emotional, financial, spiritual, familial, whatever else. All competing with each other. All need to be managed somehow by consensus or dissolve the partnership.

We spent a lifetime just barely getting a good enough handle on this to take this step. Your SO has had only minutes, hours, days to get over the shock, much less all the other raging reptilian emotions. They likely have a thousands questions, overwhelmed not even knowing where or how to even start asking them. We barely have answers to some, and even those are far from etched in stone at this point. Don't take passivity for acceptance. Assume "At least I am not getting strangled... yet".

It took a good 5 years before my wife came to really really trust me again. Yes, things were shakey even before me dropping the T-Bomb. Over time she has been seeing my own personal growth. Seeing me become a for real person. Seeing me grow towards the person she always saw I was capable of. We both put in the hard work to keep the relationship going.

I never asked, nor is it fair for me to, if she will stay with me if I go full-time. I can't expect her to, only hope so. Six years ago transitioning was the last thing on my mind. Been there, tried it twice, and I was still opting to find some sort of "Normal".  As she often reminded me of early on, "I did not marry a woman. If I knew then that...." Today the final outcome of a full-time transition is even hazier then ever. So is the question of going full-time for me.

[Missy~rmdlm]

You haven't said if you are transitioning, or know if you aren't. If you are be sure and get your correct name on the divorce papers. They are public and permenent.

[JenniR04]

Thanks everyone for your wonderful and thoughtful responses, they mean a lot to me. A couple of quick answers and an update.

I am going to transition, the dysphoria is too much to remain at a standstill or even compromise for minimal changes at this point. Like I said in my previous post, I've really been dealing with this fill-frontal for about 11/12 years now and my true self is screaming to become who she knows she is.  This originally all started some 35 years ago as a kid, but I repressed the feelings for all to long.

As far as divorcing and protecting myself, I don't plan to roll-over and just give everything away. I know she'll threaten exposure to everyone and anyone who'll listen and will probably defame and try to destroy me in the process, it'll be what it will be, and I'll deal with the coming out and comments as they arise. The ones who are my friends will come to my defense, the ones who want to side with her, will do so, but one thing I won't ever do or can't do will be to give up on my kids. The house, possession and money will be split accordingly ..... and the future court decided monies will be what they are, but won't just be given as a compromise or settlement.

As a brief update: several days have past since the initial posting and we've had one discussion or argument depending on point of view. She threw it out there I needed to apologize to the family and say that I wouldn't do this any longer (be transgender and that this is still a choice), that I'd put my "other-self" back in the proverbial box and remain the father to my daughters, although we'd still be divorcing sometime in the future. She threw the bible versus at me and that God doesn't make mistakes and the whole wearing the opposite genders clothing, etc. I looked up at her with tears in my eyes and asked her again to try and understand, to do some research of her own, to see a therapist ...... she won't have anything to do with it. I said I can't go back and hide any longer, it's who I am and I needed to find out truly where all this is taking me ..... she said if I am going to move forward, then it's over and I need to move away. I'm not doing that either, because of the legal ramifications.

Beyond this short exchange, maybe 20-30 minutes, we haven't communicated thru the holiday or over the long weekend. It's been awkward silence and avoidance when in the same house together, and it's just been sad. My heart tugs for my kids when they won't even say hi or talk to me, and my "wife" doesn't even acknowledge I exist any longer. I am okay mentally and emotionally, it's just hard and I know there will be more times like this to come. I look to lean on the members here for support and guidance.

[Eva Marie]

I have also been in your shoes Jenni. There are unfortunately no easy paths in this, just tough decisions.

First and foremost - secure legal representation for yourself asap. As Cindy said don't let your feelings stand in the way of protecting your legal rights and your material possessions. You have done nothing wrong and you are trying to address a medical issue you have while others are intent on punishing you for doing so, making the road ahead even harder for you. It sounds to me like your wife may go extremely vindictive on you - protect what is yours.

You will need sources of strength to help you deal with this during these times - close friends, your faith, things that center and ground you - all are critically important resources right now. Use them.

Avoid alcohol and other negative things to help you cope. They are a dead end.

Finally, it's time to put your needs first so that you can heal and be a much better person. You have undoubtedly have done what the rest of us did - put everyone's needs ahead of your own and tried to be a person that everyone demanded you be - to the detriment of yourself. That must stop today. Be kind to yourself from now on. There is only one you and you are fabulous - don't let anyone tell you different.

And we are always here if you need us.

((hugs))

[carrie359]

Hey Jenni,
Welcome to Susan's.  You will find many of us understand what you are going through.. seriously. I joined a little over a year ago I think.. Its been to say the least an interesting year.  My wife and I are divorcing but remaining very close. 
I have seen the emotions from others over my coming out.. and I must say it can change over time for better and for worse.
Therapy is the single most important thing that has helped me move forward in a healthy way. 
I have kids too but they are older.
My son and daughter totally support me although my daughter at first said I would never see her kids..because it would be confusing to them.. Now after time has passed she likes the new me and is my ally..  So transition for me has been peaks and valleys... good and bad.. but I must say I have never been so happy.. ever.
The hormones will affect you.. everyone is different but expect emotional highs and lows.
I am still very young mentally because of the hormones and second childhood thing .. so try to stay balanced with your decisions.
I made two very bad decisions trying not to transition by buying things to put a bandaid on it and the bandaid fell off.. and I could never stop transition.
I waited longer than you.. mostly because of poor therapy when I was younger and the thought that God could heal me..
Fast forward to today and I am having FFS soon and going full time by March 2015.. who would have thought.
Anyway, now that your wife knows the question I would ask myself is if you do not and wait.. how will she and your daughters treat you in the future.  They will never really understand how you feel no matter how hard you try to make someone understand.. they are not living it .. you are.
So, be nice and kind and take care of yourself.  Before you start hormones be warned that if you like it and feel better it will be hard to turn back.. I am totally out and female now and the GID is worse in many ways..for example growing my beard out for a full facial clearing this week.. ugh  I don't even want to go to the store with stubble all over my face.
Anyway take a deep breath.. and if you transition try to enjoy the process.. I can be so wonderful .
Keri

[JenniR04]

Sorry to keep this thread going, but I need to update and vent a little.

Had a great therapy appointment. Caught up from a couple of weeks off over the Thanksgiving holiday. Ask for a hot more referral letter and she said she'll work on one, I said I'd like it shortly after the 1st of the year which she said would be good. Plus many other things, too numerous to mention but all good things.

Got out of therapy and had destructive text message from my spouse. It only gets worse and worse. Came home to the garage door locked at the keypad so the door wouldn't open by remote, luckily I had a key to the front door. Got in and got yelled at by her and my daughters and accused of having homosexual relations with some guy, of which I have never had any desire to be with another male, but it's her "transgender must be gay connection thinking". Went down to my room and she cleaned out all my panties and some clothes, said she threw them away, but nothing in the garbage. Just what a way to ruin a good night.

Thanks for reading.

[ChrissyChips]

I feel for you Jenni, I really do. I only came out to my wife a few weeks ago...and I'm still sleeping on the sofa We are separating but trying to remain friends.  It's hard to see someone you love hurting and its easy to accept blame for it..I know I did. Just always remember, this is NOT a choice, you're doing what you HAVE to do and hopefully they will come round in time. Hold your head up high babe and I hope all gets better for you, hugs.