A few scattered thoughts....

[Kara]

Quick update: Still in therapy, have not gone forward with any physical steps towards transition, now also in a transgender support group so seeing other people who deal with this for the first time. I am constantly going back and forth on the decision to go through with this.


In a recent session, after about three months or so, I stopped talking and asked the counseler(sp?) what she thought. This is after being brutally honest with her about fears of this being misdirected emotion or rooted in some sort of sexual desires that I was too ashamed to face up to, and fears that this was all in my head. I even let her read a diary that I had been keeping for the seven months. I wrote that with the mindset that no else would ever read it.

She told me that she honestly believed that I was transgendered. She actually used the "female trapped in a man's body" line that I try to avoid but it was the same general Idea. It was surprisingly validating. I honestly went to a therapist expecting to be told why this was not real.

Now I stand before a thorny road and two cliffs. At the bottom of the cliffs lie Transition and Suicide, respectively. The road, is a bit more complicated. Let's just call it a compromise that would not upsurp my life very much in the long run; But would provide me just enough comfort to keep from cutting my wrists or poisoning my self.

I see the people in the support groups, some pass really well, some, not so much. I hear of their hardships and some of their joys. I am constantly going around and around in my head. I wonder if after all the dust settles if the feeling of hopeless and sadness I see when I see females in public would ever go away just because I can wear their clothes. I wonder is the ripples that I cause in the economic areas of my life woulf ever feel justified by whatever peace may come from transistioning into someone that is even less socially acceptable than a femenine(sp?) male.

Taking emotion out of the equation leaves me feeling almost as hopeless as I did when I first confronted this. The only thing keeping me from killing myself are the people that I would hurt. To not wake up in the morning would be a blessing. Killing myself would be more matter of fact than anything else. I want for nothing obtainable. I expect nothing enjoyable in the future. The perfect day for me is one that does not require me to leave the house. There is nothing that I would miss.

So, I try not to harp on it.

I've lost over 60 pounds just because I wanted to be smaller and more demure. Even after that, I am still 5'10" and 180lbs. I look somewhat slender but I am a size 12 in woman's clothing. I have huge size 12 feet. It just feels like this would all be wasted effort and that if there was peace within my grasp, it would be touchable without transitioning.

In the end, I am just afraid. Intelect can do nothing for me now. Logic just tells me to kill myself. It has always said that. I don't know what I am going to do. One week I am gung ho about transitioning, the next. trying to think of somthing else and the week after that, suicidal.

I am just so over life at this point.

thanks for reading.

[Steph]

Quick update: Still in therapy, have not gone forward with any physical steps towards transition, now also in a transgender support group so seeing other people who deal with this for the first time. I am constantly going back and forth on the decision to go through with this.


In a recent session, after about three months or so, I stopped talking and asked the counseler(sp?) what she thought. This is after being brutally honest with her about fears of this being misdirected emotion or rooted in some sort of sexual desires that I was too ashamed to face up to, and fears that this was all in my head. I even let her read a diary that I had been keeping for the seven months. I wrote that with the mindset that no else would ever read it.

She told me that she honestly believed that I was transgendered. She actually used the "female trapped in a man's body" line that I try to avoid but it was the same general Idea. It was surprisingly validating. I honestly went to a therapist expecting to be told why this was not real.

Many have the same fears of therapy some would even say the they were afraid of the answers.  But generally speaking therapy done right is very fulfilling, reassuring, and yes, validating.

Now I stand before a thorny road and two cliffs. At the bottom of the cliffs lie Transition and Suicide, respectively. The road, is a bit more complicated. Let's just call it a compromise that would not upsurp my life very much in the long run; But would provide me just enough comfort to keep from cutting my wrists or poisoning my self.

First off get the idea of suicide out of your head, you are just starting this journey and yes it can be a rough one but please don't start talking about an end before you've begun.  Think positive and put all your energy towards that positive, it's wasted otherwise, and consequently all will be for naught.

I see the people in the support groups, some pass really well, some, not so much. I hear of their hardships and some of their joys. I am constantly going around and around in my head. I wonder if after all the dust settles if the feeling of hopeless and sadness I see when I see females in public would ever go away just because I can wear their clothes. I wonder is the ripples that I cause in the economic areas of my life woulf ever feel justified by whatever peace may come from transistioning into someone that is even less socially acceptable than a femenine(sp?) male.

Remember that it doesn't matter who or what you are as life is full of all manner of issues regardless, some good some bad.  They will always be with you until your time is up, there's no avoiding them.  The key is to learn how to deal with them and when they seem to insurmountable seek out help as not matter how desperate your life may seem there is always some one out there to help.

Taking emotion out of the equation leaves me feeling almost as hopeless as I did when I first confronted this. The only thing keeping me from killing myself are the people that I would hurt. To not wake up in the morning would be a blessing. Killing myself would be more matter of fact than anything else. I want for nothing obtainable. I expect nothing enjoyable in the future. The perfect day for me is one that does not require me to leave the house. There is nothing that I would miss.
So, I try not to harp on it.

If you didn't have emotions then you wouldn't be human, we all have them, we are emotional beings.  Yes they can be negative and destructive at times but I'm afraid there is no way around this, we just need to learn how to cope.  Heck I can be happy as a clam and then listen to Reba's "The greatest man I never knew" and I'm a bawling mess.

I've lost over 60 pounds just because I wanted to be smaller and more demure. Even after that, I am still 5'10" and 180lbs. I look somewhat slender but I am a size 12 in woman's clothing. I have huge size 12 feet. It just feels like this would all be wasted effort and that if there was peace within my grasp, it would be touchable without transitioning.

Why are you talking so much about the barriers, we come in all shapes and sizes look for successful role models, they are out there.  I'm not saying that you should try to be like them, but to bring you to the realization that size doesn't matter.  You are who you are you're not going to able to change that.

In the end, I am just afraid. Intelect can do nothing for me now. Logic just tells me to kill myself. It has always said that. I don't know what I am going to do. One week I am gung ho about transitioning, the next. trying to think of somthing else and the week after that, suicidal.

I am just so over life at this point.

thanks for reading.

I'm afraid that transition is a roller coaster of emotional episodes and there will be many.  The key is to form a plan, a plan for your transition and a starting point for such a plan is to gather as much information as you can, and you have made that step by coming here.  You will not be able to avoid the emotional lows, but you need to develop coping skills that will get you through them, and while I'm not a expert in this area, there are many here who are.

What you will be going through is a life changing process, one that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but there is help out there, don't try and do it alone.

Steph

[Terra]

Kara, what you described about how you feel about transition is what most of us here have likely felt at least once. I know I most certainly did (and still do sometimes), and agree with Steph on how I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Its a good sign that you are talking to someone, both to your therapist and on the board. I know the thought of ending it is alluring, but you must try to look away from the negative and towards the positive. There are positive things to being TS, I know it seems stupid to say but its true. For one, I would not have the friends I do today if it not for me being TS, friends I trust with my life.

I know you also feel that you could never pass. Well hun, again as Steph pointed out we come in all shapes and sizes, and it never ceases to shock me when people comment on what a good looking girl I make at 6'4", and this is with size 14 mens  shoe and 14 dress size. There are plenty of help books out there for GG to jazz up their looks, those same books could help you, so don't despair that your looks might not cut it.

Kara, most of all, don't worry about what you cannot change. My mantra since starting is one I try to follow daily, 'worry about what you can worry about, when you can worry about it.' So don't worry about the things of transition you cannot change. Worry instead of finding reasons to get out of the house. Make friends with people in your support group and hang out somewhere. Enjoy life somehow, start a hobby or volunteer in your area. The road of life isn't easy, no one's is. But if you look for it, you can find the joy in it.

So Kara, please go on a little bit longer.

[Megan]

She told me that she honestly believed that I was transgendered. She actually used the "female trapped in a man's body" line that I try to avoid but it was the same general Idea. It was surprisingly validating. I honestly went to a therapist expecting to be told why this was not real.

Kara,

It is good to have a therapist that believes you, but what you believe is more important.

I remember I talked a lot with my therapist at first about being stuck in situations from which there did not seem to be any satisfactory way out. To transition or not, and what would happen to me economically if I did were just two of the dilemmas--there were layers of them! What about future intimate relationships?

After about a year of this there was a brief period of time -- two or three weeks at most -- where I found myself in a situation where I was able to dress as I wanted to and go and do what I wanted to do without interference. During that short period I caught just a glimpse of a different way of life, one that I could really enjoy. It may possibly have been the first time in my life that I felt that way for any prolonged length of time.

After that, I entered a very difficult time as I began to do what I had to do to not be stuck any more. What kept me going was my memory of what my life had been like for those few weeks, and the possibility of returning there some day. "Some day" came nearly two years later, but it did come.

I certainly had thoughts of suicide during the more difficult times, but "logic" always took me to one conclusion: there was absolutely nothing I could accomplish by not being around any longer, that would mean anything to me. It seemed like a waste. So I stuck around, and now I am transitioning, and all the reasons why I couldn't do that and why no one would accept me are gone.

Will the "feeling of hopeless and sadness" go away because you can wear women's clothes? Well, it probably won't hurt. I lost a lot of that feeling by transitioning outside of work, and most of the rest of it by going "full time." What remains is harder to part with. I see that it is a form of grieving, for a body and a life that I never had. It will go away when I am done with the grieving. While it isn't everything that any ordinary woman has, my life now is far better than it ever was before, and I have a body that I can at least work with (slightly larger than yours--you are fine). The things that remain that I want but can't have just make me like everybody else.

Being able to dress as a woman opened another door. I have never gotten along particularly well with men, but it was not that important. What I have always cared about is how I do around women. Transitioning has opened up a whole new social world from which I felt shut out before. I still have obstacles to overcome, but I think that they have more to do with anger (and grief) that I am still holding on to than anything else. So that is where I am working now.

A successful transition doesn't just happen. Some of the feelings you wrote about sound pretty normal to me for where you are at the moment. You will find things that make it all worthwhile; you know now of reasons to go on but you don't believe yet that you will arrive anywhere; you will. To move past this stage you have to keep going. That's the first thing. Better things will come when you move beyond what other people expect of you and it becomes your life.