Here's my story...so confused!

[jasellebelle]

So I will try to keep this post short.

My background:I recall when I was maybe 4 or 5, I would tuck my penis and pretend I was the Little Mermaid in the bathtub. My sisters used to dress me up as a girl, but my mom would get mad at them. I was a very skinny little boy and Im not sure, but I want to say people have mistaken me as a girl on some occasions. I still held my role as a boy, playing with guns and cars, but I would have a sensitive (more feminine appeal) side to me. It felt safer to be more passive since I was very very shy as a young boy.

Teen years: I began an interest in same sex activities but never acted, with the exception of toys (of that counts). Ive always felt like I was not masculine enough so I showed a tough side with anger. I always felt I never quite fit in even though I had decent amount of friends. I suffered from anxiety and depressions...going untreated due to not being recognized. I fought through it most of the time.

My 20's: I experimented in same sex acts and I wasnt certain I liked it or not so I only did it twice. Mostly nervousness made me uncomfortable. At this point I still love women and so very attracted to them. (Obviously gender and sexual orientation are different but I wanted to spill all details). In my mid 20's IDK if I had a nervous breakdown or depression hit me, but it was as if I blacked out and next thing you know, IM CROSSDRESSING. The feeling of joyfulness I encountered was AMAZING. After about a month, I threw everything out and decided it was because I was depressed or I was seeking a thrill or a rush to feel alive. I have ADHD so I assumed it was a need for a dopamine kick.

This has persisted for many many years, often being ignored, blocked out or overlooked and then it surfaces in my life again. I go from lifting weights and wanting the perfect male physique to have little desire to build muscle because I want a soft, tight little body. I want to feel beautiful for once (especially since I have self esteem issues). I spend time at work reading about GID and trying to understand it, even more than I have been doing so for years. Is this OCD, low testosterone, ADHD induced dopamine craving?? Does this sound like GID???

I dont want to transition. I can never face my family and friends as another gender. I want to know if anyone has experienced it at this level and suppressed it while living on their same life. Sometimes I feel I was supposed to be a woman, or I think I am over thinking things. Sometimes I think my body is feminine and at times I may think I just have body dysphoria and not gender dysphoria. People have joked saying I would make a pretty girl, maybe because I have always had long eyelashes, high cheeks and full lips.

So much for keeping it short, but any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Jasellebelle

Welcome to Susan's.  Since this is your first post, in a moment a moderator will pop up to read you the rules, but hey, before that, something more useful

Your story mirrors that of many of us, so you're in good company here.  As for the "OCD, low testosterone, ADHD induced dopamine craving" you're proposing, I think that's unlikely, and moreover you're rather mixing a bunch of probably unrelated or virtually unrelated concepts.

Gender identity is a complex mix of elements, and nobody on this site would venture a diagnosis, even though we can recognise the signs in ourselves.  If you want to understand this part of yourself, the recommendation would be to see a therapist as your first port of call, and to explore both your gender identity and maybe your orientation as well.  Therapy does not necessarily commit you to embarking on any kind of journey, but it might.  This can be scary, but I'd say that finding out who you are would partly be a liberation, and it's certainly a wonderful thing to really know yourself.  And once you've found out who you are, you still aren't obliged to change what you don't want to change, although many of us do.

While you say that you think you "just have body dysphoria and not gender dysphoria", perhaps this is true, but that would be best explored with a therapist.  My feeling is that if you desire a more feminine body, you're likely to be venturin' into gender dysphoria territory, cowboy,er girl, er,whatever.

Many of us suppress our dysphoria spectacularly - we find other avenues of self-realisation if we can, and try to find a more "normal" place in life.   Many of us don't want to transition at all.  And some (like me) eventually get to a point where we must act.  This doesn't mean that we spectacularly self destruct; but it means that we take steps to be who we really feel we should be. 

All of this is a process, a journey with many stops on the way.  My advice is to explorer yourself, slowly, with a good therapist, and remember that you are in control of the journey (well, most of the time).   It's not necessary to make decisions until you want to.

Hope this helps
Julia 

[jasellebelle]

Hi Julia,

Thank you so much for your reply. That is very helpful in understanding a little more about what I am feeling, and knowing I am not alone is quite nice too. I realize I cant expect anyone to diagnose me, but it did help me with just posting that and getting a response

It is odd how the urges can come and go. Is that typical for everyone else as well?

As for a therapist, would it be ideal to see a gender therapist? I feel as if I go to a gender therapist, it will be a bit biased as in working my thoughts toward transitioning. As for a regular therapist, they may be able to recognize other possibilities, yet at the same time they will not have likely experienced someone with GID. Which would you suggest?

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi Jasellebelle

The great thing about this site is that people do try to help, or at least try to be kind!  Seriously, you are not alone - this is a curious club of extremely intelligent people who are trying to work with the very odd hand of cards we've been dealt.

The urges, at least for me, were not horrendous but pretty uncomfortable and disconcerting.  For others there is no urge, just a constant sustained sense of things being very wrong.

I would recommend a gender therapist if you can find one, as they should have undergone some training to understand the complexity of gender and orientation issues.  And, no, I don't believe that a gender therapist would be predisposed to steering you in a particular direction - quite the opposite.  A good therapist doesn't steer; they simply show you the signposts and give you the keys with which you can unlock the doors, if you choose.  Sorry for analogies, but that's how a good therapist works

There's another reason why a good therapist won't steer you towards something like transition, and that's because it's a direction that comes with major complications, risks and costs.  Don't get me wrong - many of us embrace these things, because we know it's what we need to do, but others take a balanced view of things and find coping mechanisms that are less drastic.

Gender is a funny ol' thing...

Julia 

[Deborah]

It is odd how the urges can come and go. Is that typical for everyone else as well?

That was typical for me as well as lots of others here too I think.  I think it depends on what coping mechanism you have developed and how well you can block it.  Eventually though, it seems there comes a time when they become overwhelming.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[stephaniec]

sounds like me

[Ms Grace]

Hey Jasellebelle

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Sure, people do try to deny the gender they identify as and for a whole range of reasons. It boils down to how intense the dysphoria of not being in the right body is. Many keep a lid on it for years before admitting they can't go on that way any longer.

Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

[Susan522]

There's another reason why a good therapist won't steer you towards something like transition, and that's because it's a direction that comes with major complications, risks and costs.  Don't get me wrong - many of us embrace these things, because we know it's what we need to do, but others take a balanced view of things and find coping mechanisms that are less drastic.

This is really, really important.  You need to understand what is being said here.  This a good place to start with your therapist.  Just where do you see yourself five or ten years down the road.  I realize that this is a terribly tough call.  I know that when I finally gave up with all the denial and mind games, I honestly could not tell you where I would be in five years or even next week.  All I knew was that I wanted to stay alive and that the only way I could see that happening was to face that seemingly impossible task of actually changing my sex.   Not my gender, my actual physical sex.

I was not sure that I could even make this happen, but I did know that I simply could not continue doing what I had been doing up to that point, which was essentially nothing.  If there is some other way, or some alternative to actually changing your sex, GRAB IT! and sing your praises to the high heavens and thank your lucky stars.  Trust me.  Changing your sex will be the toughest, scariest, most painful thing that you will ever attempt.  And....there is no guarantee of success.  Think root canal with no Novacaine.

[jasellebelle]

Thank you everyone for your help. Im going to go see someone to talk about all of this. Ill report back soon