Playing the role

[ElioAyla]

All day I play the role of a binary female.
And the worst of it is that if I don't want mainstream society to see me as "freak/unemployable", I must continue wearing makeup to cover up my face ink. I am not ashamed of my markings; they are a part of me. They have a deep spiritual meaning to me and I will never regret them.
I want to get a degree in editing, I want to write my books, I want to find a path that leads to my being able to express my identity, but I can't see it right now, it isn't quite tangible. And it's killing me, acting like this. I know I have to get through it to find my destiny waiting on the other side...but it hurts like hell.
So here's another night of drinking and feeling lonely with my partner cuz he won't believe I am me.

I'm so glad I have Elliott Smith's beautiful voice and words tonight.

You'd rather see me gone
Than to see me
the way
that I am
That I am, but I am
In your life, anyway

[XiaoMei]

I understand the pain you're going through and the anxiety that you're having.
You have to stay strong, for your own sake, but at the same time I think you should find a balance for happiness temporary. I haven't seen a specialist yet, however when I am requested to dress up as a girl, I am going to dress as both, just so I can temporarily escape the fear of being judged. This is how I am going to deal with it anyways, taking baby steps until I feel fully comfortable dressing up.

One thing I find that helps is getting a job presented as your current sex, but after getting the job and passing the trial to turn around to your boss and announce that you're a transgender. They cannot legally fire you or punish you for it. In my country you can call human resources and have them sued for discrimination. I'd probably invest in some glasses or a pen that can record sound for evidence.

It'll be harder to get a job later on, so it's best to find a job that is stable for now and put them in a position where they hire you but cannot easily fire you. You don't have to announce your gender in the interview if you don't want to. I didn't and I told them over a year later, really glad I did because the previous boss was prejudiced, but he got replaced by a new boss who fully supports the LGBT community.

Well, you don't have to follow my advice anyway, that's all up to you .



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[JulieBlair]

Okay kiddo, here is the thing.  You are what you think about.  I see a writer who has some gifts with language.  But I also see someone who appears to be becoming dependent on alcohol.  You're not Dylan Thomas, or any of the other myriad of talented sots who watched their lives slowly slip away in the bottom of a bottle.  Neither happiness, expressiveness, nor freedom can be distilled.  They are all inside jobs.  The job will come if you believe.  Love will come if you believe.  Let go of that which doesn't work and seek that which does.  Transition is both about becoming who you authentically are and about living an authentic life. 

If you need to talk PM me and talk we can.  But I hate to see you waste as many decades as I did desperately trying to be something I am not and with someone who could not see who I was because of what I looked like.

Peace,
Julie

[ElioAyla]

Okay kiddo, here is the thing.  You are what you think about.  I see a writer who has some gifts with language.  But I also see someone who appears to be becoming dependent on alcohol.  You're not Dylan Thomas, or any of the other myriad of talented sots who watched their lives slowly slip away in the bottom of a bottle.  Neither happiness, expressiveness, nor freedom can be distilled.  They are all inside jobs.  The job will come if you believe.  Love will come if you believe.  Let go of that which doesn't work and seek that which does.  Transition is both about becoming who you authentically are and about living an authentic life. 

If you need to talk PM me and talk we can.  But I hate to see you waste as many decades as I did desperately trying to be something I am not and with someone who could not see who I was because of what I looked like.

Peace,
Julie

I am a drunk, Julie, and I am an ex addict. I've been trying to cover up this emptiness inside with molecules since I was 11 years old. I'm really far down the rabbit hole at this point. I take pills from my doc everyday for anxiety. I feel myself slipping away. I think the pills are interfering with my creativity. I feel just dead and lifeless. Riding freight trains has been the time I felt most alive, but the rational, logical part of me tells me that if I make it to 30, it would be a surprise, if I don't have some source of income. I'm not going to just abandon my partner and my grandma and go gallivanting onto a freight train with some friends. I know I have to stay and figure this thing out, at least get myself a decent education (thru whatever grants I may be able to get), and learn to play guitar. But everything waits, because I am a drunk, and I make a mess of everything.   

Self loathing, self medicated, self saboteur, in the words of Cage.
I'll PM you next time I feel like breaking down and screaming, ripping my skin off and trying again.

[JulieBlair]

Yeah, let's talk. I've been clean and sober a long time, but I did what I could to kill myself with whatever was handy for a couple or decades.  Sadly it has what has kept me from music and creativity.  I always associated that with dope and drink.  I'm finally writing again, and starting to play.  I'm becoming me and finding freedom.  I hope for that for you.

Ill pm my phone number.   I pick up 24-7 and will get back to you pretty quickly if I can't talk.

Peace

Julie

[VeronicaLynn]

I'm just going to throw this out there, because it needs to be said:

It's entirely possible to both be a drunk and an employed, productive member of society. I've been doing it for most of the last two decades. Really, it works even better, and is far more fun, that way than the drinking all day everyday thing, I did that for about a year when I first started to address my gender issues, but now that I have, it's back to drinking close to the maximum possible while still maintaining a 9-5 job...I'm not saying quitting isn't a better alternative, just that your gender issues and alcohol use are two completely separate issues, even though it seems at times the cis-world drove you to drinking...

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Can't address the drinking part but I can address the writing career.  I'm a full time novelist and have been for about 7 years. (over 13 books published, 6 with major publishers, the rest, indie published.) There are a lot of small houses that are looking for part time editors and you can work from home.  They don't pay much, but they are great on the job training.  PM me for details.  To make a living doing free lance articles, check out "How To Publish Your Articles"  by Shirley Kawa-Jump. I've known her for years.  The key to her making a living wage was her organizational skills and her very long hours.

Also, I'm a member of a couple of writing groups, some online, but one local one. Only three members (who are also good friends) know I'm trans--I'm not ready for that yet.  Still have family/financial issues to solve first.   

But when I do come out to them, they will be the most accepting of my friends/acquaintances. Most will probably take it in stride. We are a quirky group, I think because that's part of our natures of being writers.  In my local writer's group is the one place I don't have to hide my nature.  I am very comfortable being totally me w/ this group.  That I've been dressing more and more masculine/butch, hasn't even made anyone blink.  Probably  b/c they are intuitive enough to have always seen the real me and the outer dressing is no biggie (and a lot more tame) than a lot of other presentations in our eccentric group.

So, check out the book and find a writers group.  PM me if you want  more info on any of this.

Disclaimer: I'm now looking to get back into my original profession of engineer, b/c I don't make enough money writing to support myself and I need to to do that in order to transition.  The reason I don't make enough writing is b/c I'm often a lazy writer and haven't pushed.  A lot of writers CAN make a living if they focus and push.

[JulieBlair]

I'm just going to throw this out there, because it needs to be said:

It's entirely possible to both be a drunk and an employed, productive member of society. I've been doing it for most of the last two decades. Really, it works even better, and is far more fun, that way than the drinking all day everyday thing, I did that for about a year when I first started to address my gender issues, but now that I have, it's back to drinking close to the maximum possible while still maintaining a 9-5 job...I'm not saying quitting isn't a better alternative, just that your gender issues and alcohol use are two completely separate issues, even though it seems at times the cis-world drove you to drinking...

You are one of the lucky ones   For many of us alcohol ceases to be a pleasurable diversion and becomes a necessary nutrient.  When you combine that with the simple fact that your metabolism changes as you age it is frightening how quickly the slide into dependence and alcoholism can progress.  In my case I never know what will happen.  I may just have a glass of wine, I may get a gentle buzz, or I may come to in another country a week later with no money, no ID, no nothing (actually happened)  I just cannot predict it.  I had stopped living a productive and varied life and slid into one where my primary focus was getting and keeping at least a bit of booze handy at all times.  My focus and my interests became narrow, and ultimately I became useless to myself and most everyone else.  That sucks.  That is despair.

I hope it never is your experience.  I used to talk to Nero here about drinking and drugging.  It was something he struggled with and last fall it killed him.  I've seen it many times in our community and it is such a waste.  I would never challenge your right to live your life as you choose, but I would also never deny another their right to choose another path.

Peace,
Julie

[VeronicaLynn]

You are one of the lucky ones   For many of us alcohol ceases to be a pleasurable diversion and becomes a necessary nutrient.  When you combine that with the simple fact that your metabolism changes as you age it is frightening how quickly the slide into dependence and alcoholism can progress.  In my case I never know what will happen.  I may just have a glass of wine, I may get a gentle buzz, or I may come to in another country a week later with no money, no ID, no nothing (actually happened)  I just cannot predict it. 

It might very well be like that for me too, it's not all that pleasurable to me. I never really did much of anything I wouldn't do sober while drinking, for quite awhile I had a strange stupid idea that I only had these transgender feelings when I was drunk, perhaps because I was too scared to explore them sober. I know now that's not true, but I still sometimes act as though it were, probably because the time I have to be sober I also have to act like I'm a guy. Being sober from 9-5 on your days off also, I think is key part of being able to do it during the week. It's kind of fun being sober on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon, it might be my favorite time of the week.

[JulieBlair]

Veronica,

If you ever want an ear, mine is available  pm me for my phone number.  Once booze gets a hold of you it isn't happy about sharing.

I used drugs and alcohol to mask that I was a failure in my own skin.  I was not living as who I am.  Even after I was willing to accept that I was more or less female, it took me almost three years to live full time authentically.  Living in a guy suit, for me, was increasingly difficult and ultimately impossible.  Finally the cost of living closeted exceeded the risk of living authentically.  It happens, my life as all Julie, all the time, is worth the cost.

I wish you health and luck.

Julie.