Friend is betrayed.

[heavymetalkaiju]

So my best friend messaged me last night. I won't go into specifics but she pretty much told me she can't trust me anymore because I didn't come out to her sooner. And that she's unsure of the trust I put in her, because she's my friend and would have been happy to help. To be honest, she's livid. I tried explaining that for the longest time I was confused about it, about how I felt on the issue. I had to find out for myself before making a final decision, and that coming out is one of the hardest things I've had to do! I also told her that I would never withhold anything from her unless there was a purpose; in this case, I wasn't ready to talk about it.
But she won't understand my point of view. She doesn't understand the notion of being afraid of literally everyone, regardless of how close you are to them, and just how hard it is to summon up the nerve to say ANYTHING. She was still among the first to know, and I had dropped hints before to test the waters and see what her thoughts on transgenders were before I announced it.
I'm done trying to wrack my brain for words. What should I do??? I don't want to lose a friend, but if she can't trust me because of something like THIS, is it worth it? What should I say? Is this normal?

[AeroZeppelin92]

Gonna be blunt. But she does not sound like a real friend to me. She sounds self centered and wants to make this about her, and that's exactly what she's doing. She's turned this all around and instead of this being about you and your courage to come out, and talking about all your feelings, she's  bringing the focus and attention back on herself. SHE'S the "victim". 
I wouldn't fret over someone like that. I understand you care about them as a friend, but a good friend doesn't pull shenanigans and head games like that.

[Ayden]

I would honestly say that if she is acting like that, she's no friend. Some people have a hard time when we come out, but none of my friends ever acted like that. If anything, I got more support from them than anyone. When I told my best friend of 19 years, she just said "oh, that actually makes sense."  We're still so close she's coming here tomorrow for 6 weeks. If she had pulled what your friend did, I wouldn't have given her the time of day.

Maybe your friend needs some time, and it's normal for people to need time to adjust. My bestie still calls me "she" sometimes and by my birth name, but it's out of habit more than anything else.

I don't think there is anything to say. If you want my honest opinion, I say walk away. Life is hard enough without added stress and her reaction is only going to lead to a toxic relationship.

[heavymetalkaiju]

Wow, thank you guys. Good advice, even though it's not exactly what I wanted to hear, lol. Thus is life, right?

It's funny, this very same friend told me about 2 weeks ago that because she's my best friend, she has to "challenge" me every step of the way, and went so far as to say she thought my being Transgender was a phase. I'm beginning to see a pattern...
I suppose during times like this, people show their true colours?

[darkblade]

Although I do agree that your friend doesn't sound much like a real friend and more like self-centered idiot, I wouldn't go so far so as to take measures to get her out of my life so soon. Give it time and see what happens. My best friend initially said stuff implying that I was exaggerating and that "all girls wish they were guys to some extent." And I was just thinking to myself, are you really telling me that you want to be a guy as much as I do? She's supportive and all, but I really don't think she's anywhere close to understanding the full scope of how things are for me at the moment. I'm just giving it time and trying to hint at the fact that she shoves my attempts to talk about how I feel out of the way. I don't think she does it on purpose though, I'm trying not to let my frustration and my need to talk things through affect the way I talk to a person who's otherwise been a very good friend to me. If this carries on though.. I may consider finding someone else to confide in.

I just think some time and space is crucial.

[heavymetalkaiju]

Although I do agree that your friend doesn't sound much like a real friend and more like self-centered idiot, I wouldn't go so far so as to take measures to get her out of my life so soon. Give it time and see what happens. My best friend initially said stuff implying that I was exaggerating and that "all girls wish they were guys to some extent." And I was just thinking to myself, are you really telling me that you want to be a guy as much as I do? She's supportive and all, but I really don't think she's anywhere close to understanding the full scope of how things are for me at the moment. I'm just giving it time and trying to hint at the fact that she shoves my attempts to talk about how I feel out of the way. I don't think she does it on purpose though, I'm trying not to let my frustration and my need to talk things through affect the way I talk to a person who's otherwise been a very good friend to me. If this carries on though.. I may consider finding someone else to confide in.

I just think some time and space is crucial.

Some time might be good. She is VERY judgmental though, very blunt, and honestly probably a sociopath, haha. Her attitude and habits are toxic, especially since right now, more than ever, I desperately need support. Distance should help both mellow her out and give her time to chill and think about things, while I do my thing.
I just asked a few friends irl who know her as well, and they all kind of said the same thing. Give it time and space, and she honestly doesn't sound like she's being much of a good friend right now, more self-centered than anything.

I'll see what space does. Hopefully wonders. :p Thanks for your opinion, it really means a lot to me that people are willing to share their opinions.

[Bran]

She's that friend that was "challenging" you by saying being trans was a phase-- definitely not someone you need around you right now. She may come around and be ok with it, or she might not. But I agree that time and space are the answer. And if she doesn't ever get to the point she can treat you well, then she doesn't have to maintain a relationship with you.

[Clhoe G]

It sounds like your friend is gearing up for something like the old "it's not you, it's me" thing n totally avoiding the whole topic of her issue, I would guess she's probably transphobic, so I would probably agree with the others that said she seems self centered n not a real friend, but it's really good to hear that you have other friends, real friends to talk to about it, because it really sucks to lose friends, even when you learn their true colors are bad for you, like all my old fake friends left me, I took it hard at first but when I came to the conclusion they where never true, good friends, I got over em.

But great news your on the road to transition, because at the end of the day, you've got to do what's best for you n if this is what's going to make you happy, these bad things will fade away in time. Have fun now 

[Gothic Dandy]

I'd say you're correct in assuming that your friend is a sociopath if she's doing the whole "How can I trust you while knowing that you didn't think of ME first during your identity crisis?!?!?!" thing.

It's funny, this very same friend told me about 2 weeks ago that because she's my best friend, she has to "challenge" me every step of the way, and went so far as to say she thought my being Transgender was a phase. I'm beginning to see a pattern...
I suppose during times like this, people show their true colours?

She sounds like she thinks she's superior to you and knows better than you. I've been in that situation several times as either victim or the perpetrator (I'm embarrassed to admit). If this is typical behavior for her, she will probably never change and it might be better for you to stop being friends with her in the end, because you don't need someone like that in your life. She's making it sound like it will never be the same between you, anyway.

It wouldn't hurt to give her time to sort herself out, if that's what you want to do. I hope things go smoothly for you, whatever you decide.

[FTMax]

I suppose during times like this, people show their true colours?

There you go. Unfortunate, but true. I'd say give it one more go at explaining and also let her know how you're interpreting her actions. If this is a new thing for her and she's been a good friend in the past outside of this period of coming out/exploring, I'd offer her a little education and see how she takes it. If she still wants to make it all about her, drop her.

[Lostkitten]

'Friends' making such a big deal out of someone you told out of trust and not harming them in any way.. Meh.. Got some drama loving people out there.

[heavymetalkaiju]

i asked my therapist, because thats what shes there for, and she suggested space. so i told my friend, its up to you what you wanna do...if you want space, i'll give you space, if you wanna talk, i'll talk.

haven't heard a peep from her since. but she hasn't deleted me off facebook, and she insists that we're still friends no matter what.
i have other issues to take care of, like freakin physical therapy and my own mental issues, lol.

thanks guys for the help. means a lot, gives me hope that i wont always be alone.

happy holidays, folks.