When They Insist On Calling You "He"!

[Lisbeth]

I want to tell a story (and the old timers here have heard it before).  This happened six years ago minus a week and a half.

In 2002 when I got back from the New Years holiday I went in and talked to the IT director about my transition.  We had made this appointment at the company holiday party a couple weeks prior.  (That was the last time I wore pants to an office holiday party.)  Over a couple of days we went through how this would all work out, and on January 6 she individually met with every employee in the building to briefly explain what was happening.  She asked each of them if they would please call me "Lisbeth" and use female pronouns with me. 

That afternoon, my boss called me into his office.  We had known each other for a lot of years, and he said that this was a big change and he wasn't sure he would be able to adapt to it.  I told him that I didn't want to make him uncomfortable and that he should do what fit into his comfort zone.  He thanked me for that.  By the next Monday he was on board with everybody else.  Since then there have been few slipups, and the majority of the new employees haven't any idea I'm not a genetic female.  That included our current HR director until I told her.

[NicholeW.]

Hi, Julie,

You didn't say how old your daughter is, but I get the impression she is about the age of my now 17 y/o son. He has been, to all intents and purposes, very accepting. Yet, he has also told many of his friends and consistently with them and others refers to me as 'Dad' while with me he calls me 'mom.'

I have also gotten the 'you will always be 'male name' to me regardless how you look and who other people all think you are.' That talk generally arises when he is stressed-out about social relationships, school, college-to-come, etc.

I think we have a great relationship together. He brings me so much of his life, his worries, his trials and hopes. He says that he finds it easier to talk with me than with his birth mom. He lives with her so he can maintain his old school.

Anyhow, I think the struggle here is about 'who am I.' That young adult time is, as I recall, a major struggle. If my friends are any indication it is not a tumultuous time just for teenagers who are trans. *smile*

My son, and, I expect, your daughter are struggling for their own identities during their late-teens and early twenties. Their own confusion about who I wanna be, who people think of me as, who will I be, etc. To have a gender-dysphoric parent, particularly, I suspect, one who cannot any longer pass as their birth-designated gender especially, can cause some really added problems that are probably exacerbating the usual identity diffiuclties our children have anyhow.

I know it's hard, as it is for me. But the confrontation and explanatory position is probably the exact wrong one to take at this point. She, as my son, have obviously had this explained to them throughout the process. They are both still majorly involved with and obviously love their 'second-moms.' That is what it is.

And I don't know about you, but I really love that. He accepts me and gives me high regard. Will he shift his focus from what is bothering him about himself to what he would like to be bothered about and blame me for sometimes? Yes, he does.

But, I am convinced that if we leave them to their own devices, love them, hold them and help emotionally when we are invited, that we will find that our children not only love us, but maybe even admire us and certainly respect and accept us.

Time is a healer, if we give it time.

HUGS,

Nichole

[Julie Marie]

Like some here have expressed, I find it hard to understand why anyone would use male pronouns for someone who looks, acts and dresses like me.  Work is the only place I'm not out yet and more often than not I'm gendered female when out to lunch or stopping at the store on the way home.  But I know those who have known me so long in male will tend initially to look past the physical presentation and use terms that were only appropriate before I began transition.

I'm perfectly okay with my kids calling me dad.  That's who I am.  I'll never insist they call me mom.  They have a mom.  But when in public, especially when meeting new people, I have to put my foot down.  When we meet or even see new people the first thing we do is gender them.  It's not even a conscience thought, it just happens.  When someone new sees me they will gender me female.  Why add confusion to what could be a pleasant meeting by calling me "he"?  That alone could destroy any chance of having a normal relationship with them.  And when you start off male you'll have an uphill fight with them to get them to see you as female.  Why add any more difficulty to this trans life?

I'm not saying I pass perfectly and that no one will know if they aren't told.  My physique to some degree and my voice to a larger degree will give me away to anyone who's mind allows them to go there.  (Yes, I believe there are those around us who won't let themselves "go there".  It's called denial  )But it's one thing to suspect and another thing to know.  I want people to know me first for who I am in my heart.  If they continue to be in my life then we can talk about my male past.  But that should be my decision and not the decision of those who once knew me as male.

When my daughter came back home my ex stopped over.  We went out to dinner.  During the dinner she kept referring to me in the masculine.  When she did that in front of the waitress I referred to her as "him".  She immediately protested, "I'm a woman!"  I said so was I.  "No you're not.  You're a man."  I told her my brain is wired female but rather than cause a scene I politely asked if she could refer to me in the feminine when in public.  She hesitantly agreed.  My 25 year old daughter didn't have any problem with that.  Seems her mom can learn a few things from her.

I know this will be just another challenge in the life so many of us live.  But this nor any other challenge will prevent me from completing my transition.  Then again, is one's transition ever really complete?

Julie

[IsabelleStPierre]

My kids are the only people that I have allowed an exception for myself. My oldest daughter always refers to me in the feminine or she calls me Izzy when we're in public places. My other kids, who live with their mother, all still call me dad and that's fine with me for I will always be their father. The problem I have had is when the younger one slips up in public and calls me dad...she's only five so I can't really get too angry with her can I?

This has led to some rather interesting situations to say the least...but I have learned to just let them go. What do I care in the long run what someone on the tram at the zoo thinks of me when one of my kids slip?? I don't...I'll most likely never even see that person again in my life and even if I do there is a good chance they won't remember the incident anyway.

There is only so much in life that we have control over...so why bother worrying about those things we can't control??

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[Julie Marie]

What do I care in the long run what someone on the tram at the zoo thinks of me when one of my kids slip?? I don't...I'll most likely never even see that person again in my life and even if I do there is a good chance they won't remember the incident anyway.

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

Another way to look at this is that these strangers are realizing we not only exist but we are parents with kids we are raising.  They might walk away with a better understanding that we are people just like them.  Maybe, hopefully.

Julie

[Natasha]

What do I care in the long run what someone on the tram at the zoo thinks of me when one of my kids slip?? I don't...I'll most likely never even see that person again in my life and even if I do there is a good chance they won't remember the incident anyway.

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

Another way to look at this is that these strangers are realizing we not only exist but we are parents with kids we are raising.  They might walk away with a better understanding that we are people just like them.  Maybe, hopefully.

Julie

giving them "enough" time to cope with your transition is perfectly fine.  the problem is that sometimes "enough" is never enough and months become years, years become decades and what do you know? one day you turn 92 and they're still calling you, he.  pathetic, don't cha think?

[nickie]

When it is someone I need to deal with, I correct them, immediately, just as any genetic woman would. When it is someone I will never deal with again, I usually let it go. My mother will still not call me Nickie, or daughter, or her, but she hasn't seen me since transition. I let it go, for now, she is 80 years old.