Hi, everyone. I've been lurking here for a LONG, LONG time - around 10 years, as a matter of fact. During this time, I've been all over the map, from merely crossdressing to starting full-blown transition with hormones to "chickening out" and saying "I'm not trans!". Each time, I think it's been my imagination running wild (wanting to live as a woman ASAP) without considering all of the ramifications, then fear kicking in when I go too far for where my brain is.
Recently, though, I've realized the cost of this internal (am I a boy, am I a girl) battle that takes place within me daily. It's causing stress, attention deficit, and a mild amount of sleep deprivation. It's come close to costing me my marriage and has damaged the relationship with my children. And this has happened without them even knowing anything of my gender issues.
At this point, I have decided settle down and start over, taking things one step at a time. I've recently acquired some clothes (for like the 20th time) and I'm going to carefully log how I feel each step of the way. I'll start by wearing the clothes for my therapy sessions (with a gender-experienced therapist). I'll see how that feels, then move on to getting a wig, and if that feels right, going out for a short shopping trip. As many have said on here, I'll try to figure out what it's going to take to get rid of this gender dysphoria fog that I've lived in for the past 12 or 13 years.
Should I need to go as far as full-blown transition, it will be blowing up my life, in essence. I have two adult children, a wife, and grandchildren ranging in age from 3 to 11. I will end up saying good-bye to all of them and to will have to move out of my home of 33 years. There is virtually no chance that they will accept me, especially early on.
One other thing that complicates this is that I'm older - 61. Yeah, I waited forever. I know there's a good probability that I won't pass without significant FFS, but if it gets to that point, I don't care. I've never been "sirred" before while dressed as a woman, luckily, so maybe I pass well enough to not offend people.
Anyway, here I am, and I'll continue to post questions/comments as they arrive. Thanks for having me on board.
