Forgive me gentle readers, but I am in severe need of catharsis and if there is perhaps anyone who can understand where I am, it is likely to be here. For as of late, I have felt very alienated from everyone, even if that should not be the case. In many ways I should feel blessed, but my mind is a tempest that knows very little peace. So here goes several months of frustration, I'm sorry I cannot be brief...
To begin with, I am currently a non-expressive MtF transgendered individual. There is no doubt anymore. I have gone through months of therapy and been advanced to a specialist and this has been confirmed. Even after I started my backtracking to stop the collapse of my marriage ultimately led to speculation premature diagnosis... this fact remains true - and yet I can't do anything about it.
In April this year, just before our 10 year anniversary as a couple and the closing of my first month on a Full HRT regimen (7 months on low dose spiro prior and 5 months expressing female at home & school), my wife said she couldn't take it anymore and she didn't love me the same way anymore. Two weeks followed of me crying myself to sleep in the room next door as she continued to text with "a friend" (that was of course secretly interested in her) in our bed. She said she felt free, and she moved in with her parents... while I reconstructed an identity I thought I had cast aside forever.
She floundered. Her world without me in in it was shattered. The job she took great pride in, the job which provided for my HRT was lost - (detransitioning was moot thing at this point) while strangely enough, work increased my hours as I readopted masculine expression (this hurt quite abit in truth). My mother, who to my face told me I was dead to her, came back into my life and to my aid with great fervor. My sister never expressed her reservations with my transitioning directly also expressed great joy at seeing the return of her brother... My friends all rallied around me to help me. They were there with me along my transition, but there was a tremendous silent sense of relief that radiated from them when I changed course.
In our 5-month separation we saw the true value of each other and reached out to each other. We found the joy and sweetness of our love all over again and planned to not take each other for granted again.
So now I'm in the strangest of places. My wife and I are together again, my family is with me again, I am even preparing to return to the university again after the disastrous semester I had previously (losing your wife and your identity should be good enough cause for the admissions committee). We are talking of the possibility of starting a family (though my wife has severe fertility issues). We are reestablishing the bonds of trust and trying hard to establish effective communication...
And there is the central issue gentle readers... We went through months of therapy together and she never expressed any reservations. "We will get through this together" was something she said just as much as I did. When we finally restored our relationship I had to ask her about before and she said "I really wanted to be supportive. How could I disagree with what was happening? You were so much happier... I kept giving you things and helping you on your journey in the hopes you would be a strong woman on your own, or that you would get your fill of it and come back to normal."
So now I am desperately trying to hold on to a façade, a façade that I see breaking eventually. I am trying to see if she can understand where I'm at and the best I get from her is, "I know I'm being selfish. I know what I want is wrong. I can't explain why I am afraid to face what I know is true."
I keep asking myself and her the big question: "what makes me so wonderful to be in love with when I express as a man than when I do as a woman?" as I try not to remind her when she rejected me as a woman – it was the same person she said she loves. She can't answer... I offer my transition diary to read if she wants to know what is in my head and says she can't read it... she's afraid to.
And so we are now in the most absurd of situations. We communicate about everything, but can't over the one central issue that almost sank us before. We both fervently love each other, but can't seem to understand each other or where each other is coming from.
I can't decide if this is a scream for a sagacious piece of advice to illuminate the darkness or just a venting scream, but if I don't let another soul know about the thoughts that plague my mind, I feel I will drive myself into mad despair. So thank you gentle readers for allowing me this purging of my frustrations. I hope it was at least semi-coherent.
