Confused And Worried

[lindagrl]

Doubts are creeping into my mind whether i am doing the right thing and i don´t understand why i am sometimes feeling like that.  Have given it a lot of thought
and have always come to the conclusion that this is like going home, that it is what i need to do, but still these doubts and fears are lurking in the background.
i looked at myself in the mirror last night and was amazed at what i saw, my face seemed to have changed so much from how it was, the features more delicate
and the eyes so much softer and nicer. It was the face of a woman, i was really happy seeing this, but went into the living room and walked up to my wife to
see if she could see it too.  Do i look more female than i do male dear i asked.  She looked up at me and said, did you put on makeup or something on your face? you look really nice, look like a woman, wow and then she smiled at me.

i just woke up from a bad dream for the second night in a row, it´s early morning, my wife still asleep.  The dream was full of symbolism about things going on in my life past and present. In one scene i was looking for a place to lay down for the night and entered a room.  Inside was a burly looking man, dark haired with a large torso and he was sitting on a bed.  He spoke something i don´t remember, his voice was deep.  He removed his shirt because he wanted to show me his breasts.
They were the size of a C cup but shaped like lumps, not like a woman and i thought to myself that it did not fit on him.
i don´t know maybe i am worrying over nothing.  There are so many changes going on with me, am recovering from being raped, have gone a few weeks without
Cannabis and then i am doing this thing full throttle now, transitioning.  Think i am just scared and feeling lost. Hope i am not losing my grip.
Am dreading going to that Xmas party the local transgender group is having in a few days.  Feel i am intruding there, that i will feel bad and not belong.
Also afraid that i won´t have the nerve to come there dressed, in fact i don´t think i will be brave enough to do that.  All mixed up.
Linda- yes that´s who i am, who i identify with.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. It's quite common to have doubts and fears even when you feel sure about transition. Your dreams are just your subconscious trying to make sense of everything that's going on, I wouldn't read anything sinister into them. Just be yourself at the party, is there anyone you can take with you?

[lindagrl]

Hugs. It's quite common to have doubts and fears even when you feel sure about transition. Your dreams are just your subconscious trying to make sense of everything that's going on, I wouldn't read anything sinister into them. Just be yourself at the party, is there anyone you can take with you?

i think that´s what i was looking to hear.  i don´t have anyone to go with me.  It´s still five days away and hopefully i will be feeling calmer then.
When i am tense i don´t look or sound as i should.  Thank you Grace, nice of you to respond.

[PinkCloud]

Am dreading going to that Xmas party the local transgender group is having in a few days.  Feel i am intruding there, that i will feel bad and not belong.
Also afraid that i won´t have the nerve to come there dressed, in fact i don´t think i will be brave enough to do that.

Go for it, enjoy it Linda. You'll be in great company, these folks won't judge you. Getting dolled/dressed up isn't required, just be who you are. My first exposure was at a local group as well, alone. I went in in "male mode" and that was the last time I dressed as male. These people changed my life.

[katrinaw]

Hi Linda,

Don't know whether you've been in this position before or not, I have and come to the conclusion that the more I question and logically think about what I aim to do I back away... so those dream demons are always testing... I think they are a natural reaction to such a major change in your life, like the logical of the brain versus the heart and aspirations ... having some dreams myself now, ATM they are all good about me in the future, mmmmmm... wake up in the morning and nothing has changed...

BTW go and enjoy the party, after your first meeting the other day the party should be easy, let your hair down...

BTW about to set up my counselling for new year start... Guess my confusing dreams will start then as I plan for the life changing moment!

L Katy

[JoanneB]

In my support group I am sure there is no one who would think less of anyone coming and not presenting in their desired mode. We all have been there one way or another. Simply coming to a meeting is a difficult enough decision. Coming is what is truly important. Being around others, just like yourself, hearing our stories, our feelings, helps immensely with the healing process. The rest all comes in time and only when you decide so and feel you may be ready to take that step.

Taking even the tiniest of baby steps is scary. Pile on top of the fear a lifetime of shame and guilt, is it any wonder you are having disturbing dreams? Add in your recent rape which has all that associated shame, guilt, and self blaming. Of course you are worried about going out of the house period! I know from being an alcoholic the angst I feel going anywhere liquor is served. "Just one" will likely lead to just one too many. I am sure you are having angst being in a party atmosphere while trying to kick weed.

These are all things that churn in your head all day long. During the day you can shut them out. Not so easy to do when you are asleep. Yet, you are far better off seeing them, looking at them, examining them, and then letting them go, compared to stuffing even them.

[lindagrl]

Go for it, enjoy it Linda. You'll be in great company, these folks won't judge you. Getting dolled/dressed up isn't required, just be who you are. My first exposure was at a local group as well, alone. I went in in "male mode" and that was the last time I dressed as male. These people changed my life.

Hi PinkCloud
i really like your comment. Yes i am taking a big enough step just going there, will just be the emerging me, relaxed and positive hopefully 

[lindagrl]

Hi Linda,

Don't know whether you've been in this position before or not, I have and come to the conclusion that the more I question and logically think about what I aim to do I back away... so those dream demons are always testing... I think they are a natural reaction to such a major change in your life, like the logical of the brain versus the heart and aspirations ... having some dreams myself now, ATM they are all good about me in the future, mmmmmm... wake up in the morning and nothing has changed...

BTW go and enjoy the party, after your first meeting the other day the party should be easy, let your hair down...

BTW about to set up my counselling for new year start... Guess my confusing dreams will start then as I plan for the life changing moment!

Hi Katy

No, this will be my second time that i meet the girls in the group.  i have been socially awkward most of my life, but i am changing in that respect and it´s
so nice to see affirmation of that in how most people react to me now.  We just came back from a Xmas party held in our apartment building annually.
We sat across an elderly couple at one of the long tables.  At one point the lady leaned forward and told me how she has noticed how i have changed
for the better, that obviously some wonderful changes are taking place within me and that she just wanted me to know that everyone in the house
notices it, that i am doing a good thing. i was so thankful, i almost got teary eyed, but managed to tell her how happy i am to hear her say that and
that yes it is wonderful.  Not everyone takes it like that though and it´s something that i need to be able to take on the chin.  We had to come by
earlier at my fathers house and my much younger brother was there visiting. He did not like what he was seeing in me and did not hide that.
i admit that i got angry at his dismissive rudeness, but now that i have thought about it a bit have come to the realization that it´s his problem, not mine.
If he difficulty accepting me as i am, then so be it we will drift apart at least for now and in all honesty we have not been that close either.
Thank you, yes it would be weird if i was not having strange dreams with all that is happening.

L Katy

[lindagrl]

In my support group I am sure there is no one who would think less of anyone coming and not presenting in their desired mode. We all have been there one way or another. Simply coming to a meeting is a difficult enough decision. Coming is what is truly important. Being around others, just like yourself, hearing our stories, our feelings, helps immensely with the healing process. The rest all comes in time and only when you decide so and feel you may be ready to take that step.

Taking even the tiniest of baby steps is scary. Pile on top of the fear a lifetime of shame and guilt, is it any wonder you are having disturbing dreams? Add in your recent rape which has all that associated shame, guilt, and self blaming. Of course you are worried about going out of the house period! I know from being an alcoholic the angst I feel going anywhere liquor is served. "Just one" will likely lead to just one too many. I am sure you are having angst being in a party atmosphere while trying to kick weed.

These are all things that churn in your head all day long. During the day you can shut them out. Not so easy to do when you are asleep. Yet, you are far better off seeing them, looking at them, examining them, and then letting them go, compared to stuffing even them.

Every word you wrote resonates within me. The only thing that worries me at this exact moment, (this may fluctuate  )  is if i notice a certain smell in the air.
i don´t want to partake in that, but you know i really feel that even if the temptation arrives, i will not give in to it. Never want it again, it held me back
and would ruin any chance of reaching some sort of balance in my transformation. Knowing that makes the decision much easier.

Hugs to you all my sisters and thank you so much
Linda is smiling