Trying to stay positive

[Stevie]

I really thought I was getting past some of this stuff but I'm still having doubts about how I'm doing. I have been transitioning out in the open and as I have been losing weight I have been expressing more of my feminine self, I no longer have any male clothes for example. As I lose the weight though parts of my body I thought I had come to terms with are becoming more prominent. I have lost 155 lbs now, and parts of me are sticking out where they used to hidden by the fat and it is really starting to cause me to hate myself again maybe not hate but I am not feeling as comfortable with myself. I've been seeing a therapist for a few months now and have an appointment with a gender therapist next month. I hope they will recommend me for HRT and I hope I'm in good enough shape to get it.  I really can't go back to being how I was I just can't live like that anymore.
   
Stevie

[Rachel]

Hi Stevie,

I had a bad alcohol addiction and codependency. I was 325 pounds at age 38. When I got clean and sober and went to 180 pounds my dysphoria raged. As I got older, 50, I fell apart due to dysphoria. I could no longer take it and all the defenses were breached. Perhaps it was also the death of my Mom who tried to beat the trans out of me when I was young.  Anyhow when I "hit the wall" I gave up fighting the need to transition. I went into my intake requesting HRT. Due to my fragile condition mentally it was 5 months later that I started HRT.

I hate my male body and I am methodically meeting my goals in transition. I keep a record and sometimes I look back and remember where I was and think I can not believe I did what I did. I have a long way to go but I am making progress.

[Stevie]

 I was 54 when I broke after decades of self medicating and eating. Two years ago I told my wife and my adult children, my wife is still with me and my are kids actually happy for me. I did not tell my mother or sister till after my father died last year. 

[gennee]

Stevie, congratulations on the weight loss  . Look at each improvement as a victory. Part of improving ourselves is our perception of who we are, not what others say that we should be. A positive outlook and acceptance of who we are goes a long to living a productive and satisfying life. Focus on the little victories you've achieved. 

[Stevie]

Thanks Gennee, for re-centering my perspective. I realize I have come along way in two years, and we cant undo decades of self loathing overnight, need to focus on the long term. Things are getting better