My Letter to Mom, and her response (merged)

[stephanie_craxford]

Two weeks or so ago I plucked up the courage to come out to my mom after successfully coming out to just about everyone else.  She's pretty well the last one to know (I know, I know, maybe she should have been the first, but I had my reasons )  It took me quite a while to finally write a letter that I could live with and one which I though would explain things to her without getting too technical about the whole thing.

So... over two weeks and no reply, no phone calls... she lives in England so that may be part of the delay.  She may also be taking care to write her own reply.  But then she may also be too shocked to bother.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it,  my mom and I were never close, but I still love her, but then maybe the distance between us is a factor as well.  Who knows, I'll just have to wait and see, as my life continues.

If anyone is interested I can send, or post a copy of the letter.  It may serve as a starting point for others who are contemplating writing similar letters, and it could serve as a good example, or a bad example  .

Chat later,

Steph

[edit]These two topics were merged by Susan[/edit]

[Sarah Louise]

Good Luck Stephanie,

Mothers can be a strange breed.  My mother knew from early childhood, it just wasn't talked about in proper family situations.  My parents, ignored it when they weren't beating me for it, or banishing me to my room.  They couldn't admit it since I had a 1 year older sibling that never left the hospital, the doctors said it was a boy, the nurses said it was a girl, so my parents named it Carlie so it could be either.  So my wanting to live as a woman upset them.

Sarah

They are all dead now, so I guess it doesn't make any difference anymore and I have been declared "dead" (or unwanted) by my brother and sister.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hi Sarah-Louise,

I know what you mean.  It's sometimes those who are closest to us that do us the most harm.  Unfortunate circumstances for sure, and it really makes you wonder why they spend so much energy disapproving, condemning, ridiculing etc.. when as you say, they are dead now.  Ahhhhhh yes, death, the great equaliser.

Chat later,

Steph

[Kendall]

My mom I think denies it and always asks why i want what i want. She isnt that offensively against anything i want (at least verbally). But then again she has never seen me like this. Only pics and voice/writing conversations.

[Shelley]

Hope it goes well for you Steph,

As you've said before we've had all our lives to come to grips with who we are. Your mum is probably trying to figure out how to respond. Even if not at least you have been honest.

Shelley

[Dennis]

If she's English, she may also be ignoring it completely. That's a common coping response among older Brits. My mother has an astounding capacity to maintain complete denial about things that she doesn't want to deal with. Fortunately, I live next door to her, so my transition is not one of those things.

Dennis

[Northern Jane]

That's a common coping response among older Brits. My mother has an astounding capacity to maintain complete denial about things that she doesn't want to deal with.

AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH!

My adopted Mom was British and denied that there was anything "wrong" with me, despite what the doctors said, despite the women's clothes, makeup, wig, etc. on my bedroom vanity, despite the stories around town about my "dual life", despite my weekend trips to the city (and return with traces of makeup). I swear she could have walked through a brick wall if she chose to believe it didn't exist! Even years after SRS, she continued to believe that I'd come back home, "straighten up" and be "normal" It has been 32 years now and she STILL does not acknowledge it! Her problem - NOT mine!

[gina_taylor]

Lots of luck with your letter Stephanie, and I hop ethat everything comes out well. It may bring you closer and it may draw you further apart. But since you're not close with your side of your family, at least you're coming out to them and letting them know which is a good step. My entire family on both sides already knows everything.

I would be interested in seeing the letter. You can PM it to me. I'm still having a lot of problems with my mom coming to terms with my decisions on what is best for me, and just by seieng what you have wrote may seem to help me out.

Gina

[Dennis]

I swear she could have walked through a brick wall if she chose to believe it didn't exist!

That is a perfect way of putting it. That's exactly what my mum is like.

Dennis

[Valerie]

Crossing my fingers for you, Stephanie. 

My first instinct is to of course hope that Mom embraces you as you are, but that rarely happens instantaneously, so far as I've seen.  Maybe she's yet to figure out what she thinks of the whole thing herself, before she can respond to you.  Even if her initial reaction is not favorable, let's hope she's the type who can gradually come to terms with it. 

Either way, as Shelley said, you've done the right thing in being honest, and nothing can take that away from you. Though through very strained relations with my biological dad over various issues, I know that doesn't take away the sting. [Dad's a hateful, vengeful,judgemental, hypocritical,  wife-beating moron (and possibly child-abusing, but my brothers have never said), and even he has made small progresses, so if at first the result is less than pleasant, don't let your dear heart fall too far.] 

I'd be interested in reading the letter, not that I have need of it for myself, but it would provide a different perspective-- letter from 'child to parent' is different than 'social/support interaction among peers'.  If you're still inclined, a PM or e-mail is fine...  Do keep us updated!

Valerie

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Val,

My mother is much like the person the others here have described.  I often wondered why she always had the huge bump on her head    She does have problems with seeing the truth.  One of my brothers is a complete waste of time, married and divorced, choke addict.  We rescued him from trouble with the law and the habit, but all my mother could think about was keeping it quiet from the other family members, so I can imagine that I'll get the same reaction.  For myself she always told everyone how I loved being in the Airborne, how I rose through the ranks to one of the highest positions.  All the while I hated every minute of it.  Oh well she is my mom, and as I said before I do love her.

I'll send a copy of the letter via PM for your info.

Thanks everyone for the support, chat later,

Steph

[stephanie]

Funny that this topic comes up when it did - I sat down yesterday and wrote a rough draft letter to my parents.  Odd thing is, I am currently living with them.  I keep trying to sit down with them and get up the courage to say something, but I just can't seem to do it.  My therapist suggested writing a letter, and so I did.  If it's not too much of a bother, may I see your letter (via PM)?  I think I got too carried away with the technical details.  It would be nice to sort of compare notes.

Anyway, I hope your mother comes around and at the very least responds somehow.  Sometimes the hardest thing to deal with is silence.

[Chaunte]

Stephanie,

I truly hope you hear from your mother soon.  What about a phone call, or would that be pushing the situation too hard?

When I came out to my sister, we talked at length about coming out to our mother.  We came to the joint conclusion that my coming out would a) either be ignored or b) devistate her.  I think there is only one thing more stuborn than an English woman, and that would be a Canadian woman that is 100% German.  Given that, I am not planning on coming out to her for a long time.

Chaunte

[Dennis]

I usually find with my mum that just leaving her to her denial until she absolutely can't deny any more gets more progress. If I push her, she just gets more resistant. If she comes out of denial on her own terms, she'll get over whatever put her in denial. Phoning her might make it worse.

If there's a timeline on it, though, pushing her becomes necessary. She got all weird about my wedding and had decided that she needed to stay home and look after the dog, so we had to push her there. My poor partner thought that the dog was the actual issue, so went around and arranged day care for him and a place for him to stay. But that's the other part about English denial. A remarkable ability to project the stress onto another situation that has nothing to do with the actual issue.

Dennis

[Sarah Louise]

My mother was good at "ignoring" things she didn't want to hear.  To her there were just certain things that were not discussed, she could bury her head so far in the sand that I thought she would sufficate.

Sarah

[unicorn]

Hey Steph,
I just want to add my best wishes for you. I pray your mom will come round and embrace her daughter.

Dennis gives good advice, about not pushing. But he's right, there is a limit.

(My relationship with my mom is extremely strained. She tried to deny my religion for 15 years, and only now (17 years) we can actually talk about that. With sexuality and gender... well that's only been seven years and freaks her out even more, so we haven;t got very far. Right now, i feel like when i see her, I'm talking to  a stranger, and i wish i had pushed her, and am doing so now. Maybe a confrontation can bring us closer, maybe it will just widen the gap even more, but you never know until you try. And I am wiser now and much better at explaining myself than when I first came out to her. I miss the good times we spent together when i was young, and i don;t think we'll ever be close again, but just to be able to relax and breathe in each other's company would be wonderful. Of course, even though she doesn;t see me for who i am, I love her. And that must count for something.)

I hope things go better for you and your mom.
Thinking of you,

love
Alex

[stephanie_craxford]

A while back I sent a letter to my mom, coming out to her, you can read that topic here:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1371.0.html

Today I received her reply, and I'll post it here as to me it is so wonderful.
========================================================

My Dear Steph

This has to be the biggest surprize of my life, something I didn't expect in a million years, but you are my child nothing can change that, there is no choice, I accept you the way you are.

Your Dad and I agree you have tremendous ammount of courage to commit this change after fifty three years, and I must admit I find it difficult to imagine you as a female, if you could send me photographs it would help.

I have told G------, J----, and W----- and they accept it, also B---- & M-----.  Both W----- & M------ said the same thing that you are their cousin no matter what.  This is only a short letter, but i think that I have kept you waiting long enough.

Remember I will always love you.

Mom and Dad

===========================================================


Steph

[beth]

              That is so great Steph,


             You are at almost 100% acceptance which is wonderful and well deserved.



beth

[Cassandra]

Steph! I am ecstatic for you. I have been waiting for the outcome of this and I could not be happier for you. This is wonderful news.

Cassie

[DawnL]

Fabulous Steph, almost a fairytale ending.  You deserve it.

Dawn