Every time I leave my therapist, I become more ill than I was when I walked in. She uses cognitive behavior therapy (CBT). She said she was confident that I was intellectual enough to understand it and benefit from it. She asks me questions that expose all the irrational and destructive beliefs I feel to challenge them. I find that this process is reinforcing the beliefs, making them more complex and ingrained, and awakening dogs that the medication was putting to sleep. The worst part is that I feel it is all my fault that the therapy isn't working. It's my own stubbornness, hubris, and fear of change (chiefly the fear that my identity will be erased and reprogrammed by outside forces for their benefit) that it causing this pain. All she is doing is asking simple questions, and I don't have the strength or sense to let down my mental defense mechanisms and learn to be a half-decent person.
I have gone backward in my recovery since seeing her. I am once again believing suicide is the best option for an unstable, useless person like me. I have once again set myself on a death clock: in two weeks, after finals, I will kill myself if I still feel like it. I have the tools I need to self-immolate. I've researched the effects of this method of suicide, and I have no fear of the pain or the consequences if I survive.
I don't even know what I want out of therapy anymore; I'm not even sure if I knew to being with. I've learned it's not to change my perspective. I apparently like being filled with hate and sadness. If I didn't, I wouldn't be so antagonistic to help, right? I picked this person specifically because I thought not only would she help me with depression and self-destructive thoughts but she also specialized in LGBT related issues, and I thought she could give me referrals to endocrinologists and help me coop with the stress of transition. She knows I'm trans, and totally accepts it but she downplays it greatly. She says its only a small part of me, and I will grow out of believing it's such an important part of my identity (kind of like how gays and lesbians stop waving rainbow flags everywhere the longer they're out, as her example). Heck, she downplays all facets of my identity. All we do is focus on my crazy, irrational schemas, and at then end the session they are more crazy and irrational.
I am I right to believe its my fault the therapy isn't working? I read discomfort is common in the initial sessions of CBT; should I just try to work through the pain ? Has anyone else heard of these kind of powerfully negative effects from CBT? Is there any other schools that could work out better for my issues (I'm a fan of Jungian psychology but I don't know if that will actually help or I'm just romanticizing)? If I don't know what I want out of life and so obstinate to change, should I not seek out a therapist at all? I feel like transition is just not an option for me because of all this. If I do, I'll still be all kinds of screwed up in the head, and might even make myself worse but if I don't, I definitely will never truly make a recovery, and might make myself worse.
I'm sorry I'm burdening you with such serious and personal issues. I find that this forum based communication is the best why to get my thoughts clear, and understand the thoughts of others. I just want to get some perspective. Thank you, and I'm sorry.
